The McRonalds Pact feat. What Am I Rolling and Backwater Bastards

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Far, far away from the Valley, a beleaguered McRonalds employee desperately makes a pact with dark forces and ends up recruiting three kids instead. This is the final hiatus episode before we return to Sparky, Quique, Hilda and Irene, and it is done in partnership with the What Am I Rolling? Podcast.

What Am I Rolling? Is a twice-monthly RPG one-shot podcast hosted by game master Fiona. Every month, Fiona takes a brand new group of players and runs them through a one-shot adventure testing out a different RPG game style or system, and this one was Under the Neighborhood.

But, in addition to being with Fiona, this episode was done in partnership with Backwater Bastards, where a team of artists and illustrators tell the greatest best friends story that the multiverse has ever seen. And you know, we’re all about friendship here, and fun RPGs.

If either of those interest you, you can check out wairpodcast.com, backwaterbastards.com, or just check the description below.

[What Am I Rolling? intro music plays.]

Fiona

Hello! Welcome to What Am I Rolling?, a twice-monthly RPG one-shot podcast, hosted by me, Fiona. This week, I’m joined by my friends Taylor, Dan and Dick from the Backwater Bastards and special guest GM Kyle from Quest Friends! For Under the Neighborhood, where players live out adventures from their favorite Saturday morning cartoons.

An eccentric girl enters a world of magical monsters and decides to become a witch. Twins discover a mysterious journal in the woods near their great uncle’s house and delve into the world of cryptids. Three friends get lost on an island filled with frogs and fight to find their way home. All these stories follow ordinary people as they venture into worlds unknown and find that these worlds and their people, whilst magical and wondrous in their own ways, aren’t so different from home. They’re about the magical and the mundane and how the two don’t live in separate spaces but coexist everywhere.

Under the Neighborhood is a roleplaying system designed to help you and your friends tell stories about the magic found in going to the grocery store, or attending an awkward dinner, but there’s also ghosts or gnomes or frog people or all three of those things combined. Whether you want to recreate your favorite episodes from The Owl House, Gravity Falls or Amphibia, or you simply want to go on exciting adventures in a curiously ordinary world of your own imagination, Under the Neighborhood is the game for you.

A massive thank you to Kyle, the game designer of Under the Neighborhood and GM of Quest Friends! For running this one-shot for us. Quest Friends! Is an improvised fiction podcast where five best friends explore friendship and family in a world where the realm of the dead isn’t that far away. Be sure to check out Quest Friends! Wherever you listen to podcasts.

You can find out more information about Under the Neighborhood and grab your own copy on itch.io. I’ll add links to that, and to Quest Friends!, and to Backwater Bastards, on the What Am I Rolling? Website and in this episode’s show notes.

[Chill 90s game music plays.]

Fiona

Under the Neighborhood is Powered by the Apocalypse, meaning that its mechanics are inspired in part by Vincent and Meguey Baker’s Apocalypse World. Kyle does an amazing job of guiding us through under the neighborhood, going through the structure of play, running us through the Slice of Life Complication process, and the playbook moves. So, I won’t dwell on that too much here.

The key thing to remember, though, is this. Whenever a player makes a move they roll 2d6 plus a modifier from one of their four stats: Heart, Books, Fierce, and Slick. Depending on the result, one of the following three things will happen. A 10 to 12 is a full success, the player succeeds or the end result ends up being good for them. A 7 to 9 indicates a mixed success, the player succeeds but at a cost or not quite in the way they wanted. On a 1 to 6, well, a 1 to 6 is a failure, the result is bad for the player. Essentially, the higher the result the more successful the move was, and that’s all you need to know.

Many thanks to Taylor, Dan and Dick, the cast of Backwater Bastards, for joining me for this one-shot. The Backwater Bastards is a comedy improv actual play podcast played by a group of artists from around the world telling the greatest best friends story the multiverse has ever seen. Whilst everyone else is out saving the world, they’re just trying to find the next best place to eat.

[00:05:00]

Join them on their haphazard adventure via their website, backwaterbastards.com, and wherever you listen to podcasts.

One last thing before we begin. Naturally, there are times in this one-shot where the players and myself, mostly myself, get the rules wrong or forget something plot-wise. Of course we always endeavor to stick to the rules wherever possible, but at the end of the day we all make mistakes, and what matters most is that everyone enjoys themselves. So, with all that out of the way, let’s play Under the Neighborhood.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Hello and welcome to a stealth episode of Quest Friends! Hereafter, a podcast within a podcast. I’m Kyle, and today I’m running a game I made called Under the Neighborhood. It’s a roleplaying game inspired by Powered by the Apocalypse and Cypher System. We’re running it in the setting of my podcast, Quest Friends! Hereafter, which is why, as I joked, we are doing a stealth episode today.

Fiona

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So, let’s talk about what we’re gonna play and then everyone can introduce themselves and their characters. Under the Neighborhood is inspired by kids’ cartoons like Amphibia, The Owl House, Gravity Falls, basically stuff typically from the mid- to late-2010’s. We’ll get more into the details of how it works, but essentially we’re gonna go on a fun cartoon adventure today inspired by… just the really annoying mundane stuff that gets under your skin.

We’re gonna be playing specifically in the setting of Quest Friends! Hereafter. In Quest Friends! Hereafter, the realm of the dead is only a plane ride away. You got ghosts and skeletons and imps and vampires all hanging out up here in what we call the Here, in the realm of the living, and then also you can fly and go chill in the realm of the dead if you wanted.

Before we begin, let’s introduce our scare—

[Stops himself and considers how he misspoke.] Our scare-acters? Ys, sure, let’s introduce our scaracters.

[Laughter and ghostly sounds.]

Dick

Too scary!

Taylor

Hello! I’m Taylor from Backwater Bastards where I play a human bear, but today I am playing Jean Ronald. I’m eight and a half, and don’t forget it. I’m also an imp. I’m here with my sibling, you’ll hear more about that later, and I am playing the opportunist… but I also practice self-defense, and that’s all that you need to know about me. That’s it.

[Laughter.]

Dan

I’ve changed my age because you said earlier, Fiona, that the age needs to be up to 12 apart from Dick’s character, so I’m gonna make my character 12.

Fiona

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

Dan

Oh, it doesn’t matter?

Fiona

I put my age range at between 10 and 12. I wasn’t sure, actually, but now that I’m a skeleton, it could be anything.

Kyle

I really like this kid, teen, tween, whole ass adult relationship that we’ve got going on here, personally.

Dan

Okay, I’m gonna keep it as 15 then.

Dick

It immediately has a cartoon, like… yeah. These messed-up demon children living in my goddamn house.

[Laughter.]

“Get off my lawn!”

Taylor

“Just happy to be here.”

Fiona

Yes.

Dick

The adopted parent figure.

Dan

Hello, I am Daniel. I’m also from the Backwater Bastards where I am a jellyfish in a robotic suit of armor.

Taylor

Gross.

Dan

That’s Doctor Z, a doctor and a jellyfish. Today I am ScooterWiz300. Known by Kirby to the parents, but to all the cool kids around the playground… ScooterWiz3000.

Taylor

So no one?

Dan

They all call me that, Tay.

Taylor

[Skeptical.] Yeah.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Dan

I am Jean’s older brother. So, maybe a little bit of respect there, please, Taylor. I am doing the intuition who plays sports. And yeah, I’m out here looking for all the cool ramps that are gonna be tricked on, Tony Hawk style.

Dick

Agony.

Kyle

I like to imagine that the Tony Hawk scores that appear, that’s what you’re tagging as you ride. You do a flip and you just tag “3000” on the ground, “kickflip.”

Dan

Yeah. People gotta know that I’ve been in their area.

Taylor

That you hit 3,000.

Dan

Yeah.

Fiona

Is it when you go over? When you go over something like that it’s very quick, but actually it’s really long normally. “Three…”

Dan

In my mind, it’s slow iPhone camera mode the whole time.

[Laughter.]

Dick

Makes it a bit easier.

Dan

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kyle

Have bailed many times because the ground came a lot faster than your slow-mo mind thought it did.

Dan

Yeah, but it looked cool, don’t worry. I’m ScooterWiz3000.

Taylor

“No it didn’t!” That was Jean.

Dan

It did, Jean. It did. Or I’ll leave you at the bus stop.

Taylor

[Gasps.] Not again!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Dick

I’m Dick. I’m the dungeon master for Backwater Bastards, but today I’m playing Dirk who is a 22-year-old human occultist goth of some description.

[00:10:00]

He’s the one who summoned these imps and inhuman beings to this realm and started these events in order, I guess. I’m playing a divided who casts spells.

Kyle

The divided is someone who has some sort of dark patron, usually a major antagonist in a show.

Taylor

Well, here we are.

Kyle

Just three kids in a trench coat. Perfect.

Fiona

Pretty much.

Dan

I can see Dick being a major antagonist.

[Laughter.]

Taylor

Now it’s worse.

Kyle

Alright. We’re gonna go with one of these show premises where you are your own villain the whole time. Alright.

Fiona

Yes, we are the bad guys. That’s what’s happened here.

Taylor

“Am I the problem?”

Dan

“Always, Jean, always.”

Fiona

To round us off, hello, my name is Fiona. I am the host of What Am I Rolling?, a twice-monthly RPG one-shot podcast. I’m normally the person in the hot seat running these things and going crazy, but thank god that Kyle is here to do that for this one. Today I am playing Darcy who is a skeleton from the Hereafter. I’m playing with the guardian who has a podcast. Just for the flavor, Darcy, she’s a skeleton so she’s all bones, except she does wear an apron which has the podcast logo on it which is “What’s the,” and then it’s a picture of a mug, but it’s a stylized T, letter T, and that is her podcast, What’s the Tea? Podcast.

Dan

Love it.

Taylor

I’m in. I’m in.

Kyle

Adore it.

Dan

On Spotify and iTunes now. Leave and rate a review.

Fiona

Yes.

Taylor

Like and subscribe.

Fiona

Exactly.

Dick

Four stars or more.

Fiona

[Laughs.] Yes.

Kyle

Because she’s tween age, I can imagine the bubble or clip art font on that mug.

Fiona

Yes. It’s proper WordArt with the rainbow colored text at the top, yeah, over to one side.

Taylor

[Gasps.] Beautiful.

Fiona

Yes. Absolutely. It’s all homemade, even the theme tune.

[Musically.] What’s the Tea? Boop!

Something like that.

[Laughter.]

Taylor

MIDI style!

Fiona

But yeah, that is Darcy. We’ll find out how she’s involved with all this. She was just recording an episode of her podcast and now it’s here, so here we are.

Dick

Brilliant.

Kyle

Got magically summoned alongside two imps.

Fiona

Yes, exactly.

Kyle

Perfect. Now that we know our characters and we vaguely know our world, we have to create today’s adventure. The core idea behind Under the Neighborhood is that the shows it’s inspired by have a very strong relationship between the magical and the mundane. Often times what happens is these episodes start with a very relatable if not every-day issue that then, because of the magical nature of the world, spirals into shenanigans.

An example I’m gonna use is from Gravity Falls, The Time Traveler’s Pig. In this episode, the main character, Dipper Pines, really wants to impress this girl he has a crush on, and he accidentally flubs it really bad. That’s relatable! Doesn’t happen every day—

Dan

“I don't know about you, mate, but…”

Taylor

“That never happens to Jean Ronald.”

Dan

“…when you got a name like ScooterWiz3000, it works out every time.”

Kyle

Again, not every day, but very relatable. What happens is Dipper then basically steals a time travel device from a time traveler, because that exists in this world, and now suddenly he’s living out a nightmarish Groundhog Day of his own creation where he is reliving the moment over and over and over again, perfectly trying to get it right. And then the time traveler gets mad, there’s a pig involved… the every relatable thing spirals into chaos when the magical world is combined onto it. We need that mundane thing.

It’s so tragic that the audience won’t get to see this, but I’ve created this very academic chart right here, in Microsoft Paint…

[Laughter.]

Fiona

Wow! Look at those graphics, guys.

Dick

Is RCX mode on right now? Because, wow, that’s incredible.

Taylor

You guys are joking, but I was legitimately shocked. I was like, “something just popped onto my screen, wow!”

[Laughter.]

Dan

That is high-tech. That’s proper use of the technology.

Taylor

So like, you got me 3000%. I’m here. My heart rate is higher than normal.

Fiona

Do you do podcast logos? I think Darcy needs a new one.

Kyle

[Smiles.] Welcome to my digital table, also known as MS Paint with some arrows and text.

Taylor

I thought they deleted MS Paint.

Kyle

Essentially what we’re going to do is we’ve got an arrow pointing to somebody and you are going to provide a Slice of Life Complication for that character, just something mundane, a little annoying that’s going on in their lives.

[00:15:00]

Often times, when I play with my players, we pull from whatever’s annoyed us since last recording, because there’s always something that happens. Once everyone has suggested theirs, we as a group are going to pick our favorite and then maybe embellish it a little bit. We ironically have the same order we introduced ourselves, so we’ll have Jean recommend a complication for ScooterWiz3000.

Taylor

So, Jean… No, I’m Jean. Eh!

Fiona

[Laughs.] Yes. To be fair, it says Kirby on the cool graphic. We don’t know who Kirby is.

Taylor

We don’t know. We don’t know.

Dan

Kirby doesn’t sound like a cool guy, but ScooterWiz3000…

Taylor

Yeah, that’s the problem. The problem is Kirby talks about landing sweet tricks and stuff like that, but it’s actually never happened. If he’s ever gonna get on Darcy’s podcast, he’s gotta land a trick, so we’re just trying.

Dan

Proper good one.

Taylor

That’s it. He’s gotta land a trick today, and I’m here because—

Dan

Follow around with a little iPhone to try and film it.

Taylor

I know that I would help.

Dan

That’s the only reason that there’s no evidence.

Taylor

Yeah. Really, I’m here to help, because I know that my presence will definitely lend itself to Kirby being able to land a trick.

Dan

Thank you.

Taylor

But like, the cover is that mom said he had to watch me, but really it’s because she knows too that he can’t do this without me.

Fiona

I like the idea that you are recording on your phone but it’s always selfie mode so it’s just a big close-ups of Jean’s face going “yeah, that was great, mate.”

Taylor

Yeah. I’m not really allowed to use the phone for that, because it’s really only to call mom. It runs the battery down, but you know.

Kyle

So if I understand, the suggestion here is essentially—and we can even flavor it as, because Jean has accidentally done all other recordings in selfie mode, Kirby’s now got to get a proper recording of him doing just one really sweet kickflip in order to get on Darcy’s podcast.

Taylor

That’s it. That’s it.

Dan

Easy.

Taylor

That’s all we need.

Dan

All we need.

Taylor

I’m gonna get that. I’m gonna get it.

Dan

That’s evidence, proof.

Kyle

Perfect. Alright, Daniel, give me a suggestion. What’s Dirk dealing with in his life right now?

Taylor

Oh, a lot.

Dan

Dirk’s hanging out with a bunch of kids, so Dirk needs to get his life together.

Fiona

That’s not really a Slice of Life Complication, though, I’m just saying.

Taylor

It’s not.

Dan

No, no-no-no, that was just me casting some dirt.

Dick

You gotta get your licks in first. Go on.

Dan

I’m trying to think back to being 22. Dick and I were both working together in fast food restaurants at the time.

Dick

You had a bunch of kids trying to do skateboard tricks in your house as I recall.

Dan

Exactly, yes. I had a halfpipe in my lounge. Dick needs to get a management position at the fast food place because at the moment it’s not doing it. He needs to get to that management roll.

Kyle

Okay.

Dan

Because Dick was my manager at the fast food place.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I love it. I love it.

Dan

That’s some real-world flair for you all.

Fiona

I was gonna say, it feels like… are we doing trauma?

Dan

No-no-no, I had a great time. Dick maybe has some trauma.

Taylor

Is that why he summoned demons?!

Dick

Dirk in this situation, if I’m reading it right, is actually how Daniel sees himself at that time.

Dan

Oh yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah. No, I refused to climb that chain. I was happy at my level making chips for several years. But yeah, Dickie was my manager there.

Kyle

Perfect. Dick, what might be going on with Darcy?

Dick

I think that, with these kids bursting into the… What do we call the living realm again? The Earth? The, uh…?

Fiona

The Here.

Kyle

Yeah, the Here.

Dick

The Here, the here and now. Darcy has taken the opportunity to get new things on the podcast from the living world, interview living people for example, but she’s really neglected basic housework. The house is a real mess. She’s been saying for several days that she will tidy it, and she hasn’t. And Dirk’s getting pissed.

Fiona

[Laughs.]

Kyle

What I love is that it’s not just her room, it’s the house.

Fiona

Yes.

Kyle

Implying either this skeleton child’s chore is to clean the whole house or, in the process of making a podcast, she has somehow completely upended the entire house.

Fiona

Yes. Totally the latter.

Dick

I feel like it’s the latter.

Fiona

I did the voiceover stuff. Yeah, the voiceover stuff, I’ve got the duvets everywhere, the tables—

Dick

Oh no.

Kyle

If I understand, you’ve freely just chosen another possible complication for yourself.

Taylor

That’s very Dick.

[Laughter.]

Dick

Well, I mean, it’s sort of my complication, but you know, this is delegation.

Kyle

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Dan

Good save.

Dick

Ultimately, as the man of the house, everything is my problem.

[00:20:00]

Fiona

Because I haven’t tidied, there’s a real risk of me not having a space to record anymore, because Dirk’s like “enough is enough, you need to tidy this or you need to reduce it to the cupboard under the stairs rather than just an open air kitchen recording,” etcetera, so I might lose my podcasting space if I don’t tidy up. How’s that?

Kyle

I love it. Alright, and then finally, what’s going on with Jean?

Fiona

Oh, poor Jean.

Kyle

Good Jean Wonald.

Fiona

Good Jean Wonald. Well, I think… Bless Jean. As the youngest member of this team, an opportunist as well, is looking at any point to have one up on their sibling. So, I think the Slice of Life problem is that no matter what they do, both to gain respect and affection from their brother, they want to do something incredible. As a result, the complication is that they can’t beat Kirby at all at anything. A simple game of chance or anything that Jean does, Kirby just does one better even without Kirby knowing it. I think Jean wants to do something or needs to do something that gets one over on Kirby, if you see what I mean.

Taylor

Forever.

Kyle

I love it. Just inexplicably failing.

Fiona

Yes.

Kyle

So, from here we’re now gonna choose one. The other ones might organically come up, and sometimes we fuse multiple together, but typically we like to focus on one and find a way to get everyone involved. Here are our four contestants. Kirby’s gotta land a trick to get on Darcy’s podcast. Dirk desperately needs a management position at his job. I mean, it makes sense, he has… I guess the dead probably don’t need to eat, but he’s metaphorically got three more mouths to feed.

Dick

I think there’s hidden costs with the skeleton.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Bone polish. Darcy has just destroyed the house in making her podcast, and Jean just wants to beat his big brother at literally anything.

Taylor

Anything.

Kyle

Impress him, beat him, anything, but fails in literally everything.

Taylor

Yeah.

Kyle

So those are our four contestants. What are our favorites of the bunch?

Dick

Now that you just read them all out again, every new answer kept one-upping things, but now I love them all. I want to do them all.

Dan

I think there’s a way to solve all of them in two hours.

Dick

I could see any two of these being a 26 minute cartoon episode. You know?

Dan

Exactly. They’re all so good.

Dick

They’re right there.

Kyle

It’s the one tragedy of the mechanic, everyone always wants to do them all.

Dick

We’ve gotta pick an A plot, and if we can squeeze a B plot in…

Taylor

I feel like in a way… it makes sense that Dirk would summon us because of the management position.

Fiona

Yes, agreed.

Taylor

I need to get a better job just to, like—

Dan

We need to help Dirk get a management position, and in the process I will land a kickflip and get on the podcast with Darcy.

Fiona

[Laughs.] Yeah, that’s good.

Taylor

And maybe Darcy is messing up Dirk’s situation because of the mess, and I’m in here just suffering.

Kyle

Here me out…

Dick

We’re doing all of them?

Kyle

We’re doing a pilot episode.

Fiona

Right.

Kyle

Originally I assumed we were all together, but what if we play out the summoning for Dirk to get this management position?

Fiona

Yes.

Dick

Mm-hmm.

Taylor

I love it.

Fiona

Yes. Yes. Let’s do that. Yes.

Dan

Let’s do it.

Taylor

I’m in. I’m in.

Fiona

We’re in.

Kyle

Okay. Our story begins not in the rainy, eternally foggy town of Holdirk, but actually in a small secluded place of the Hereafter, right before a moment where her life, or afterlife, was thrust into a different place. Fiona was recording—Not Fiona.

Fiona

[Laughs.] It’s alright.

Kyle

Fiona was also recording an episode of her podcast…

Fiona

I was.

Kyle

…but Darcy was recording an episode of her podcast, because for your move, a term for ability, you get to do a call to action and you get to roll 1d6 and see how many of your fans follow this call to action over the adventure. So, before we begin, I just want to do a little bit of your podcast.

Fiona

I thought you’d never ask.

Kyle

What’s going on? What do you ask your fans? And then roll me 1d6 and we’ll see how many do.

Fiona

It starts off with the theme tune which is definitely not just Darcy singing the theme tune several times over.

Fiona (as Darcy)

What’s the Tea? Boop! What’s the Tea? Boop! What’s the Tea? Boop, boop!

Dick

We’ve done that a few times ourselves.

Fiona

Exactly. Then she starts, like:

[00:25:00]

Fiona (as Darcy)

Uh, hello, and welcome to What’s the Tea podcast with me, Darcy Bones. Hello. Um, it’s a tea drinking podcast…

Fiona

You can hear what she’s doing. As she’s talking, she’s actually trying to slurp tea. It’s like a really bad tea ASMR.

Kyle

While she speaks?

Fiona

Yeah.

Fiona (as Darcy)

[Bubbling sounds.] —tea podcast. Today’s tea…

Fiona

She will roll for it because she didn’t… What’s number 17? Oh!

Fiona (as Darcy)

It’s a mascarpone and sour cherry tea. Hmm… No.

[Laughter.]

Fiona (as Darcy)

No. But hey, What’s the Tea fans, tea—

Fiona

Oh, I almost called them teabags. I don’t think I’ll call them teabags.

Dan

No, teabags is great.

Dick

I think you call them teabags.

Fiona

No, that’s what we call haters of the podcast, teabags.

Taylor

Loose leaves?

Fiona

Loose leaves. We’ll call them loose leaves.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hi, loose leaves, anyone out there. The call to action for this episode, um, is to tell me a bit of advice that would cheer you up in a normal situation, something that gives you a nice big hug just like a cup of tea does, but not the mascarpone and sour cherry because that was bloody awful. Won’t buy that again.

Fiona

And I’ll roll.

[Rolls.] Oh my god, I got a 6 on my d6.

Kyle

What are six fans going to do?

Fiona

They’re gonna send in a piece of advice for me to say to somebody, to get their spirits up, essentially. In the UK, Kyle, when you drink a cup of tea it makes everything better, so I want a piece of advice that would make things better, essentially.

Kyle

Okay. You’re gonna get six pieces of advice.

Fiona

Yes.

Kyle

The way to flavor it is, if it comes up, you can just throw those out at any time, but I will say that at one point, because we’re Powered by the Apocalypse, whenever you roll you can get a full success, meaning it goes exactly how you want, a mixed success where it’s eh, and then a failure. I’ll just say you automatically get a full success on trying to uplift someone, somehow.

Fiona

Perfect.

Kyle

That’s how we’ll mechanically flavor it.

Fiona

Brilliant.

Fiona (as Darcy)

That’s this episode of What’s the Tea?

Fiona

It’s a daily podcast, by the way, where Darcy’s drinking all these different teas.

[Laughter.]

Dick

Just a pot of tea.

Fiona

Yeah, but obviously it goes straight through her, so it’s like a two-minute podcast.

Dick

I love it.

Fiona

So that’s why there’s a lot of mess as well. But yeah, then she signs off by doing the theme tune and then there’s a lot of scrabbling at the end, going:

Fiona (as Darcy)

How do I…? Stop record, done.

Fiona

And it just goes up like that.

Dan

Love that.

Kyle

While Darcy thinks about the advice that she’s going to get, that all her avid fans are gonna give her, and wonders if there’s someone who might need that advice…

Taylor

Dirk.

Kyle

In the small rainy town of Holdirk in the realm of the living, in the Here, management at McRonalds was a phantom. Now, I mean this in quite a literal sense. The management of this company was a phantom, an often-forgotten often-maligned figure who just seemed invisible, which is why no one seemed to notice at first when they disappeared entirely.

Dick

I mean, what’s changed, right?

Kyle

But as the days went on and things got more and more chaotic, Dirk suddenly realized that a vacancy had opened at his position, and he desperately needed some way to fill it. Dirk, this is before you have summoned anyone, but you are at McRonalds. Crowds are ravenous. Because each year the Intermortal Necromon Championship happens – it’s just a Pokémon tournament – they do a big campaign where they sell a bunch of stuff. So, people are coming in for food for themselves and for their Necromon.

Dick

Messy.

Kyle

Think about the McDonalds Szechuan sauce catastrophe that Rick and Morty fans caused but like ten times worse. You’ve got a million crowds, a bunch of people are going in, and your coworker Dev who is a vampire that literally feeds on chaos is just sitting there being like:

Kyle (as Dev)

I don't know what to tell you, guy. Uh… I don't know, the orders, I think I messed them up again. So… yep.

Kyle

You can see he’s just ripping up the orders that he is writing down, seeing the crowd get angrier and angrier and just breathing in the chaos as people are getting angrier and angrier at your job.

Dick (as Dirk)

Darn it, Dev! I’d fire you if I could.

[Inwardly.] Wait a second, what if I could? An idea is forming…

[Laughter.]

[00:30:00]

Kyle

Dev looks back at you.

Kyle (as Dev)

Fire me if you could? You’d have to be a manager to do that.

Dick

Exactly.

Dick

I feel like Dirk is gonna have to whip out his notebook of spells and try and find some sort of way to make a pact with the dark forces, you know, the faraway under-planes, with some sort of powerful entity that could give me the wish that I have of being manager of the McRonalds.

Kyle

As you walk off to do that, Dev is just like:

Kyle (as Dev)

Yeah, whatever. I don't think you’ve got the charm that corporate wants.

Kyle

He flashes you a frustratingly charming smile that glistens. And you do know that, yeah, Dev’s got the charm. If he wants manager, that’s it. So, you storm out of the building to summon–? How are you summoning dark forces to gain the necessary ‘whatever’ to become manager?

Dick

My understanding is that some sort of occult ritual is necessary for these kinds of things.

Kyle

Yeah, you know, as it was.

Dick

Perhaps drawing a circle on the ground, bare minimum.

Kyle

Yeah, drawing a circle on the ground.

Dan

Tomato sauce and ketchup?

Fiona

Ooh, ketchup?

Kyle

Wait, I think I have an explanation for how you might have grabbed them. We’ll say that instead of coffee McRonalds has tea, so you just grabbed that, and you grab the skateboarding Happy Meal toy, and just whatever you can to summon something.

Dick (as Dirk)

Component sacrifices, perfect. These can go in the center of the circle. Pentagram of mustard, a circle of ketchup… we’re ready.

Taylor

“Surely this will summon a demon darker than anyone has ever seen!”

Dick (as Dirk)

Thank goodness magic is really easy.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Where the rain is normally pouring directly on you, for a moment you feel dry as a demonic circle shoots up into the sky, literally carving a hole within the clouds itself. You can feel energy course inside of you, some magical pact that corrupts you and yet makes you more powerful than you ever were before. The shadow of this figure, the light bursts through the clouds, it seems giant, as large as the small town itself, and then it all fades away and you see, instead of one giant figure, three surprisingly small ones.

One of you has finished her podcast, but the other two of you are probably tagging and watching tag. The first thing the rest of you notice is an impressive amount of water just dumped on your head as the rain returns.

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh bloody hell, Jean. This is gonna make it really difficult to do my tricks, but actually… You know what?

Taylor (as Jean)

[Coughs.] Kirby!

Dan (as Kirby)

Well, no… Are you filming? Are you filming?

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby, it’s wet here. Kirby, it’s wet.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, it’s weird. I was gonna do the slides for a super long time.

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby, I dropped the phone.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah? Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

Taylor (as Jean)

I dropped the phone.

Dan (as Kirby)

Mum said I needed to look after you. I don’t need to get you back in one piece.

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby, I need to find the phone. Hold on.

Dan (as Kirby)

Find the phone. I’m gonna get ready. Okay? I need to go over here and prepare for—

Taylor (as Jean)

My glasses—

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh yeah, this is gonna be a good one.

Taylor (as Jean)

My glasses are on the floor and the phone is on the floor… and mom’s gonna be mad.

Dan (as Kirby)

No, no, no. I got it, don’t worry about it. Mum’s gonna be super stoked when she sees this. When she sees this online, all the likes are gonna be coming in for ScooterWiz3000. Here we go!

Taylor (as Jean)

Okay, yeah, I got it. I got it. It was upside-down.

Dan (as Kirby)

Did you not film…?

Taylor (as Jean)

No, I did… yeah.

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh bloody hell, there was…

Taylor (as Jean)

[Stammers.] I got—

Dan (as Kirby)

You did get it?

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby, I got it. Look.

Dan (as Kirby)

You got it? Yeah, okay, cool, you got it.

Kyle

Jean, I want you to roll me a move called Touch the Other Side. It’s what happens when you use—I probably should have done this when we did the spell, but when you use something that is not of your world, something that’s magical, ethereal, unknown. In this case, a cellphone camera.

Fiona

A smart device.

Taylor

That’s fair.

Kyle

We have four stats. Yours is +Books, so you roll two six-sided dice and then add or subtract whatever your Books stat is.

Taylor

Oh no…

Kyle

Let me check and see if you have any inabilities.

Taylor

Probably like a lot.

Kyle

You do have inabilities, but they don’t relate to using a smartphone. You can also have skills or inabilities which essentially you roll with advantage or disadvantage.

Taylor

I didn’t know how many to pick, so I picked a couple.

Kyle

Yeah. No, you pick two, it was perfect.

Fiona

You got it. You got it.

Taylor

I copied somebody bigger and smarter than me, Fiona.

Kyle

You’re not bad at using phones.

[00:35:00]

Taylor

I’m not, but I am today, because collectively I have rolled 4. If we’re minusing 1, that is 3. All day.

Kyle

So… good news, you get a thing that we have called AP. AP lets you roll with advantage, add something convenient to a scene, or even activate some moves. Bad news, I get to choose two drawbacks. So, you pick up the phone, and the two drawbacks are ‘it breaks after or while being used’ and ‘it works but in a way that’s harmful to you.’

Taylor

Oh no.

Kyle

You pick up the phone and it’s cracked and glitching, and it’s just playing on a loop the only thing on the screen which is ScooterWiz doing, even in his heart, an honestly really embarrassing bail.

[Laughter.]

Taylor

Ooh! It’s like a boomerang of the worst thing.

Dan

Damn!

Kyle

That’s actually what happens. He fell on the ground, the skateboard shot out and then somehow boomeranged back, hit him on the head when he was getting up, and he fell back on the ground.

Fiona

And it just says “did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it?”

Dan

“Did you get it?” The look up from his face in the dirt.

Taylor

Oh my god. That would actually get a lot of likes, though. That would get a lot of likes.

Dan

Face in the dirt in the rain, looking up like (sob).

Taylor

It’s not the hero that you wanted, but it’s the hero that you need.

Fiona

I take my headphones off.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Now that was a good episode—Oh, hi guys. Hey, what are you guys doing in my–? Oh…

Dick (as Dirk)

Creatures of the night!

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh my god.

Dick (as Dirk)

Assist me in my quest… or something.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Is he with you?

Dan (as Kirby)

Nah, not with me, but I could definitely do a trick off of that huge body he’s got.

[Laughter.]

Taylor

Wow.

Dan (as Kirby)

How did you get so tall, mister? You probably could kickflip over mountains, probably rivers, entire oceans. What are you doing?

Taylor (as Jean)

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Dick (as Dirk)

Wait, this isn’t how this is supposed to go.

Dan (as Kirby)

Nah, it’s not supposed to go like this, actually. I was supposed to land that back there, but Jean got it.

Taylor (as Jean)

I’m Jean Wonald.

Dan (as Kirby)

He filmed it. You filmed it, right Jean? You filmed it?

Taylor (as Jean)

Uh… I’m Jean Wonald.

Dan (as Kirby)

Jean Wonald, yeah. ScooterWiz3000.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, I’m Darcy from the What’s the Tea? Podcast.

Fiona

I’ll get out a little business card and I open it up and it’s got a QR code but it sort of flickers in and out.

Fiona (as Darcy)

There you go.

Dick

I take the business card, looking at it, just sort of standing and holding it.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I can recommend you a tea episode depending on what you last drank. What did you last drink, sir?

Dick (as Dirk)

Um… cola?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Okay…

Taylor

I like how there’s business cards.

Kyle

I love that there’s an actual table here.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, you would really like the Oxford Comma tea. It’s really dark and it punctuates perfectly.

[Laughter.]

Dick (as Dirk)

That actually sounds pretty good, but that’s not really why I’ve summoned you here.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh… okay.

Fiona

I take the business card back.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I only have one.

[Laughter.]

Taylor (as Jean)

Do you need somebody to film you do a trick?

Dan (as Kirby)

Hey Jean, no, you can’t be going around offering more filming services. You’re already obliged to me as I’m obliged to you, looking after you, because mum will kill us.

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh, sorry. Sorry!

Dick (as Dirk)

Look, all of you, it’s very simple. I’ve brought you here because I need your help. I need to become the manager of this burger restaurant right back here before Dev gets the role and ruins everything. Dev is a chaos vampire, by the way.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, that sounds—

Taylor (as Jean)

That sounds hard.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, that sounds real difficult. Okay, I’m gonna pass, and I’m gonna just do some cool tricks on this awesome wet material you’ve laid out here. If you could just keep your foot there, that is a brilliant launching point. Okay. Good luck with your quest, though. Sounds difficult.

Kyle

Kirby. ScooterWiz3000. I want you to take what we call a GM Intrusion.

Dan

What is that?

Kyle

Essentially, in Powered by the Apocalypse games there are things called soft moves and hard moves. Soft moves are things you can respond to, like if you’re sneaking, it’s the guard is about to notice you. A hard move is just it happens, the guard notices you.

Dan

Oh. Damn it.

Kyle

GM Intrusion means that you get 1 AP. Congratulations.

Dan

I’m on 2 now.

Kyle

And the way I do it, you get to give one to someone else. Who do you want to give your other AP to?

Dan

I’m gonna give it to Jean because Jean is gonna need to film this.

Taylor

Jean Wonald.

Dan

Gotta use an AP to film using a broken camera.

Kyle

You get one in exchange for me doing a hard move.

[00:40:00]

Dan

Oh. I didn’t realize that was part of the equation.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You get on your board and you go to do a sweet flip…

Dan

There we go. I like this.

Kyle

…and as you’re about to go off the air…

Dan

Yeah. Sweetness.

Kyle

…suddenly you feel something hot and hard pull at your leg, and you faceplant in the mud.

Taylor

I’m out.

Kyle

As you look up, the three of you all notice these demonic ethereal chains going from each of you and attaching to the weird burger man.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh my god.

Dan (as Kirby)

This is like discount God of War. Fuck.

Kyle

Dirk, also, I want to make it clear. These are not in Dirk’s hands. Dirk, you also notice, potentially to your horror, that you aren’t holding these chains, you are just chained as well. It’s the equivalent of when you handcuff yourself to somebody else.

Taylor

Nobody wins.

Dick

God damn it.

Dan

Yeah, but he’s huge though, so…

Dick (as Dirk)

Ah. Right, well… see, we do have to work together.

Dan (as Kirby)

Okay. Well, do this trick with me, and—

Dick (as Dirk)

And then you’ll do my thing, right?

Dan (as Kirby)

… Nah.

[Laughter.]

Dick (as Dirk)

Well then, I’m going as far away as I can from where you want to do the tricks.

Dan (as Kirby)

Ah, it hurts. Stop it. You’re dragging me along the ground.

Dick (as Dirk)

I’m just gonna stand over here and do nothing in the rain.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Whines.] How are we gonna go home chained?

Dan (as Kirby)

How can you do that to my little brother? I gotta look after him.

Dick (as Dirk)

He’s not going anywhere, is he?

Taylor (as Jean)

Eh… I fell. I fell!

Fiona (as Darcy)

I’ll talk to him. Just…

Fiona

I’ll walk over to Dirk and I look up.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Okay, mister scary man, look. I’m just a skelly girl with a podcast asking listeners to like her tea. That’s all I’m doing. Look, who is this person? Who is Dev to you? Is he a bad person? Does he hate tea?

Kyle

We do a sudden cut. The crowd is double-decked, people on top of each other. Dev just smiles. His lips grow wider, his teeth more sparkling, as he takes a teabag, rips it, and casually just eats the insides… and then we cut back.

Dick (as Dirk)

Dev has absolutely no respect for tea.

Fiona (as Darcy)

[Gasps.] He is a true teabag.

Fiona

I would like to use my playbook move which is Declare Guilty. I’d like to declare a particular character as a threat to us and people I care about.

Dick

Wow.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I can’t allow teabaggers just to go around and ruin loose leafers like us.

Fiona

I hold out my hand, my skeleton hand, to shake Dirk’s.

Dick (as Dirk)

Very good. That’s one. Right, you, give me a second.

Dick

I’m going to pull out my smartphone and try and search through Dev’s social media for some sort of evidence that he hates extreme sports.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Okay! Okay. We’re gonna treat this as Understand. Understand is when you have a specific question. In your case: Where is the evidence that Dev hates extreme sports? Does that seem fair?

Dick

It’s fair.

Kyle

It’s also a Books roll, so roll, add your Books stat.

Dick

I’ve got +2 to Books, but I’ve also got an inability at understanding the mundane, so I feel like those might work against one another.

Kyle

Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to count that or not. If you want to count it, you would roll with disadvantage meaning that you would roll three dice and take the bottom two.

Taylor

Ooh, way to go, Dick.

Dick

Well, now that I said it, I just have to do it.

Fiona

Yes.

Dick

[Rolls.] I’ve rolled three dice. The top one was a 6, but we’re getting rid of that.

Taylor

Dick doesn’t know what sports are.

Dick

A 4 and a 1, that’s 5 plus my 2 Books, so 7.

Kyle

Seven! That is a mixed success. You get to ask me a simple question which in this case is does he hate extreme sports. Right? Or, what is your question that you want answered?

Dick

I suppose my question is: Is there evidence on the internet that Dev hates extreme sports?

Kyle

I am going to answer that, and then I get to hold another question which you fail to understand. The answer is… yes. You don’t know where it is.

Taylor

[Laughs.]

Dick

Bloody heck. You’re rude.

Dick (as Dirk)

I know I’ve seen this video somewhere.

Fiona

It’s like a random picture of him at the Tour de France saying “I hate cyclists” or something, but then you can’t find it.

Kyle

The only one you can find is cropped so it just says “cyclists” with an exclamation point.

Taylor

He did one of those tweets once that was like, why do people watch video games on stream, and then somebody said why do people watch football, and he’s like that’s not the same thing.

[00:45:00]

Kyle

You know deep in your heart that Dev hates extreme sports, and you know there’s evidence somewhere. ScooterWiz, you’re just seeing this guy desperately scrolling through his phone, unable to find something.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, is it like a cool guy that you were trying to show me or someone who does also cool tricks with the help of their little brother? Or, is it like because you got huge respect for them, or you want to be them, or…? Maybe just show me your screen already because I can’t see it, because you’re so bloody tall.

Dick (as Dirk)

Look, this is the guy.

Dick

I’ll show him at least a picture of Dev.

Dick (as Dirk)

He smashes skateboard ramps like every day. He smashes them, like with a hammer.

Fiona (as Darcy)

He’s also a teabagger, confirmed.

Dan (as Kirby)

Teabagging… I don't know what that means, but it sounds pretty cool. So, if I do this mission with you, they might think I’m cool, and then they might film me doing a cool trick?

Taylor (as Jean)

What about Jean Wonald do the film?

Dan (as Kirby)

I mean, Jean, have you filmed me do the cool trick yet?

Taylor (as Jean)

[Stammers.] Um, well… I’m working on it.

Dan (as Kirby)

Look, giant man. Is this person a cool guy trickster?

Dick (as Dirk)

He just sits around and enjoys the chaos.

Dan (as Kirby)

What?

Dick (as Dirk)

He sits.

Kyle

Back in the space, Dev is leaned back in a chair he got out of nowhere. His feet are up on the counter, and you have literally stacks of people three-tall now. The building is literally bulging.

Taylor

Oh my god. I can’t go in there, I’m too stressed.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Alright, we’ll deal with this teabagger. What do you want us to do, mister scary man?

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, if he’s like just sitting…

Fiona (as Darcy)

Yeah. I can… I’m sure I’ve got something.

Fiona

She desperately looks through her recorder to see.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, I’ve got some really bad ratings on Bonfire Toffee tea. That wasn’t very good. It was literally fire and it jammed up your fangs and stuff.

Taylor (as Jean)

Jean Wonald gets people in trouble all the time.

Dick (as Dirk)

That’s perfect, but what you gotta understand is he’s at his highest power level right now with all the chaos. I feel like the only way that we can disarm someone like Dev is by following the rules. Who’s with me?

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh…

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh, yeah, nah.

Taylor (as Jean)

What do you mean, man?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Like, you give us rules to follow and it’s like “oh, look at these people working so hard on the rules.”

Dan (as Kirby)

We’re already chained to you, so like…

Taylor (as Jean)

Are you asking us to work?

Dick (as Dirk)

The McRonalds rules. I’ve got the rulebook right here. I’ve been studying it because I’m gonna be manager someday.

Taylor (as Jean)

Mister, I can’t work, I’m eight and a half.

[Laughter.]

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah. Also, I’ve got a very promising career ahead of me doing extreme tricks on things that you don’t think are that extreme, so…

Taylor (as Jean)

[Hushed.] Kirby.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah? What? What is it, Jean?

Taylor (as Jean)

We can’t go home.

Dan (as Kirby)

What do you mean we can’t go home? We have to be home by 4.

Taylor (as Jean)

We’re trapped. We’re trapped!

Dan (as Kirby)

What do you mean we’re trapped? We’re here.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Emotional.] I think we’re trapped! I think we’re trapped.

Dan (as Kirby)

We can’t be trapped. Mum is expecting us.

Taylor (as Jean)

I think we’re trapped. Look.

Dan (as Kirby)

Darcy!

Dan

Wait, do I know Darcy?

Dick

You know her name at least.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hello~ I’m Darcy.

Dan (as Kirby)

Darcy, are we trapped?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Um, it seems like it.

Fiona

And I look at the runes.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I think… look, I’ll be honest—

Taylor (as Jean)

[Tearful.] We are trapped.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, no, don’t cry, Jean. Look, um…

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh don’t worry, Jean cries a lot, it’s fine.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Okay.

Taylor (as Jean)

It’s okay because I know karate.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, but you look down at the chains and you see a text that says “the pact has been signed until the task that has been set before you has reached its conclusion, you’re stuck here, loser.”

Fiona (as Darcy)

It’s really weird they add in that last clause right at the bottom of the chain.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Groans.]

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah. Wait, is there like an official text?

Taylor (as Jean)

Do you think our mom listens to Darcy’s podcast and can see that we’re trapped?

Dick (as Dirk)

It’s fine, guys. All that means is that I have to become the manager which is what I wanted anyway.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Okay. It says that we’re putting down a really bad man, so… eh.

Taylor (as Jean)

Okay.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Mister scary man, I don’t know your—Oh.

Fiona

I see that Dirk’s got a little name badge with no stars on it.

Taylor

Oh wow.

Dan

He’s got no flair? No flair.

Fiona (as Darcy)

What makes you qualified to be the manager? Just so, you know, in case somebody asks us. “Hey, who’s that guy you’re helping? What did he say?”

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, like how many tricks can he make, or like…

Fiona (as Darcy)

Yeah, what’s his favorite tea.

Taylor (as Jean)

Is there a video of you doing a trick? Maybe I can borrow your phone. Are there any games on it?

[00:50:00]

Dick (as Dirk)

Right, right, right. I’m the best person for this position because…

Dan (as Kirby)

Snake? Second Snake?

Dick (as Dirk)

…I’m a perfectionist, and I’m a hard worker.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Perfectionist. Hard worker.

Dick (as Dirk)

And I, um… I’m an enthusiastic team player who can work independently.

Taylor (as Jean)

Independently?

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, but you know what you don’t have? You’re boring, dude.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

At this point, I step up and I put my hand on Dirk’s arm.

Dan (as Kirby)

[A lot of mumbling, as if his mouth is covered.]

Fiona

Oh… Kirby’s mouth as well?

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah… Yeah!

Fiona (as Darcy)

Mister Dirk, I got some bits of advice from my listeners, the loose leaves, before I came in. One of them said, if you were everyone’s cup of tea, you would be a mug. So, go in there and demand to be the manager, because you’re  not a mug, you’re… you’re a cup. I don't know, I didn’t get the end of that.

[Laughter.]

Dick (as Dirk)

Somehow that is uplifting. I’m not sure how, but it’s working for me.

Kyle

So, we’re gonna say it’s noon. Dirk, the next four hours will be the most important four hours of your life slash afterlives. At 3:30, management will come in. They plan on doing interviews and a general assessment of the place. By 4 PM, a half an hour after that, Jean and Kirby have to get home where there will be literal hell to pay.

Dan

Quite literally, pit fiend mother will kill us.

Kyle

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Fiona

If I could also go home at that time? Because I don't know the upload speeds here, and it’s a daily—

Taylor

Yeah, way to go. Way to go. It’s like, “well, we need to go home, but you can keep Darcy.”

Fiona

I need to upload just because, you know, the algorithm, if you don’t put out regularly then they’ll notice.

Dan

This is true.

Taylor

That’s true.

Kyle

Important interview with your family’s Necrocat.

Fiona

Exactly.

Taylor

That’s true. You’re gonna ruin her RFS.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

I’m gonna lose so many patrons. At least one of them, which is also my mum.

Taylor

What about her living?

Kyle

What’s the plan, gang? How are you going to stop Dev, get the job and get home?

Fiona

You’re saying there’s lots of people in the building who want to be served food, is that correct?

Kyle

Yes.

Dick

Literally hundreds if not thousands.

Kyle

And all of their Necromon too.

Fiona

Okay…

Taylor

I think everything we can do to make Dev responsible for this will help us.

Fiona

Whatever we do, good.

Kyle

An important thing about Dev is that Dev did note that charm is important above all else.

Dan (as Kirby)

That’s what I’m saying. We need to help get some pizzazz, and this guy’s got a stick up his butt. We need to help get that stick into a wave and make that wave super cool so that he can ride all the way to a promotion.

Taylor

I just want to let you guys know that I have something called Go Big or Go Home.

Dan

Exactly.

Taylor

Just put that in your back pocket because I can spend it on myself but I could also spend it on one of you.

Kyle

Essentially, before anyone rolls, you upgrade successes to a critical success but failures become critical failures.

Taylor

Go big or go home.

Fiona

I love that.

Dan

Go big or go home!

Fiona

That’s amazing.

Taylor

I spent all my other life moneys on being a liar, so all of my marketable skills are lying and karate.

Fiona

What I will do to help Dirk, if we’re going in, I’ll leave the brothers to worry about that…

Fiona (as Darcy)

Okay. You say Dev has charisma? Well, I bet you have charisma. Look, I run a podcast, and I’m just gonna teach you some techniques.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Fiona

I’m gonna go through microphone and vocal warmups.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hello, my name is Dirk. Welcome to—

Fiona

And do that whole spiel, even though he’s probably more experienced, because obviously we don’t have this kind of fast food restaurant in the Hereafter. So yes, I will offer my services in that respect should Dirk need them.

Dick (as Dirk)

Diction. Annunciation.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Yes. Willy went watery skiing. No, that’s not the one. Hang on.

Fiona

Because I don’t have much, I have -1 in Books.

Kyle

If I understand, you are all doing the opposite of your suggestions. Darcy was like we need to clean this out but is directing on pizzazz.

Fiona

Yes.

Kyle

Does that mean Jean and Kirby are trying to either increase the chaos and find a way of pinning it on Dev or decreasing the chaos to remove his power?

[00:55:00]

Taylor

We are not gonna kill any of the chaos, because that’s impossible, and we’re kids. We also thrive on chaos. But, we could redirect the chaos to another source.

Dan (as Kirby)

Don’t worry about it. We got this. Okay?

Taylor

The only way Jean knows how to do that is by tattling.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

Excellent.

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby, Kirby, Kirby.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, Jean? Yeah, Jean?

Taylor (as Jean)

You know how sometimes—

Dan (as Kirby)

Well, also, could you stop right there?

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah.

Dan (as Kirby)

No one knows me as Kirby anymore. I am ScooterWiz3000.

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby! Kirby. ScooterWiz.

Dan (as Kirby)

ScooterWiz.

Taylor (as Jean)

ScooterKirby.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Dan (as Kirby)

No more Kirbys. No more Kirbys.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Stammers.]

Dan (as Kirby)

ScooterWiz. ScooterWiz.

Taylor (as Jean)

ScooterWiz3000.

Dan (as Kirby)

3000, yeah.

Taylor (as Jean)

ScooterWiz3000. Kirby.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yep, sounds so good—Nope.

Taylor (as Jean)

You know that thing I do sometimes where sometimes I tell mom you did something and you didn’t do it?

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, I’m aware. I’m aware of what you do.

Taylor (as Jean)

What if we go in there? What if we tie this guy up out here and we go in there and we say hey, this guy here, he said he was gonna make your hamburgers and this guy out here, he tied him up. He wanted to do I, but he couldn’t do it.

Dan (as Kirby)

Stop right there. I love what you’re saying.

Taylor (as Jean)

We just tattle. We’re gonna tattle.

Dan (as Kirby)

We tie him up. You give me some rope and I will do some kickflips, some ollies, and some cool little pumps around the wall, and I will tie up his legs, and then when management arrives they will go wow, look at this guy, he’s tied up, he’s not even doing his job.

Taylor (as Jean)

And I’m gonna say that guy did it, and he told me I couldn’t even have a hamburger.

Dan (as Kirby)

Nah, no hamburgers for us.

Kyle

Are you tying up Dev or are you tying up Dirk? Because I’m hearing two very different—

Taylor

Yeah, it’s Dirk.

Dan

Dev. We’re tying up Dev.

Taylor

No, we’re tying—

Fiona

[Laughs.] They’re disagreeing.

Dan

Oh! Okay. I thought we were talking about tying up Dev. I’m sorry.

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby, Kirby, Kirby.

Dan (as Kirby)

It’s not Kirby, it’s ScooterWiz3000.

Taylor (as Jean)

ScooterWiz3000, listen.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah. Thank you very much, Jean.

Taylor (as Jean)

We’re gonna tie up this guy, this guy.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, he doesn’t look like a—

Dick (as Dirk)

I can hear you, you know.

Dan (as Kirby)

Okay, well stop listening then, because we’re talking about you.

Taylor (as Jean)

We’re gonna say that the teabag did it. That’s the only reason he’s not making the hamburgers.

Dan (as Kirby)

He’s not making hamburgers because he’s tied up the whole time.

Taylor (as Jean)

He’s not making the hamburgers but he wants to.

Dan (as Kirby)

That is easier than trying to actually make the hamburgers. He wants to really hard, but—

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah, but the teabag, the teabag hurt everybody.

Dan (as Kirby)

The main important thing is do you have battery on your phone? Because when I’m tying him up I’m gonna do this in a super-cool way.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah, I’m gonna borrow his phone when we tie him up so I can film more good.

Dan (as Kirby)

Sounds good. Hey Jean. Hey Jean?

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah? Yeah?

Dan (as Kirby)

If you mess this up…

Taylor (as Jean)

No, Jean’s not gonna mess it up.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, but I’m saying if you do mess it up…

Taylor (as Jean)

I never mess anything up.

Dan (as Kirby)

…I’m putting all my sprouts on your plate. Okay?

Taylor (as Jean)

Please. Kirby, please don’t.

Dan (as Kirby)

I will.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Tearful.] Kirby, please don’t.

Dan (as Kirby)

I ain’t helping you eat your sprouts anymore.

Taylor (as Jean)

Please. Jean needs help.

Dan (as Kirby)

This is my one chance.

Taylor (as Jean)

Okay.

Kyle

Alright. So Dirk, are you going to let yourself get tied up?

Taylor

All we got is a yo-yo, man.

Dick

At this point, I think I have to. I feel like there’s no better plan than this. I’ve seen how many people are in there.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright, so Jean, I want you to roll something called Keep Your Cool which is Slick. Keeping your cool involves patience, doing something strong over time…

Taylor

Great, I have zero of that.

Kyle

In this case, because you’re trying to tie something super-well, and rope isn’t so ethereal that you would never know about it, I consider it more along the lines of…

Fiona

Doing the knots and stuff, like scout wise.

Kyle

Yeah, it’s all about the execution. You gotta keep your calm while you’re doing the knots and stuff.

Taylor

Okay.

Fiona

It’s also a lot of pressure now that Kirby’s threatened Jean with the worst thing in the world.

Dan

Yeah, a full plate of sprouts.

Kyle

In the back room of this McRonalds, you all watch as an eight-year-old imp child just grabs some cables and rope nearby and ties up an adult man. How well does that child do?

Taylor

[Rolls.] Well, I got a 6, so…

Fiona

A 6 total?

Taylor

Yeah.

Kyle

Take 1 AP. You’ve now got 4. If you check the rulebook, AP by the way gives you a bunch of stuff. You can roll with advantage. You can automatically gain a success. You can pull something useful in a scene, and you can stretch even further with 3 and 4.

Taylor

Wait, so I have 4 total AP?

Kyle

You have 4 total AP now with that failure.

Taylor

Oh my god, I’m so powerful.

[01:00:00]

Kyle

Just keep that in mind.

Dick

You can do a lot with them.

Kyle

The one thing you can’t do is, unless a move says you can use this after rolling, you can’t use AP to be like I succeed after I failed a roll.

Taylor

Ah, okay, fair.

Kyle

Because I like seeing failures happen.

Taylor

I love failure. Look at me.

Dan

We love the fails.

Kyle

So, how do you fail to keep your cool while doing this knot?

Taylor

I didn’t learn how to tie knots yet.

Fiona

So you’re like “there” and it just falls.

Taylor

Yeah, this just can’t happen.

Kyle

Tie, fall. Tie again, fall. With a big flourish, Jean does his last knot… which doesn’t actually tie and instead you just see the rope fly out of Jean’s hand and fall into the fryer.

Fiona

Oh no.

Taylor (as Jean)

What the hell?

Dick (as Dirk)

This is embarrassing.

Taylor (as Jean)

I need some help, with knots.

Fiona

At this point you hear the intercom or the fast food restaurant radio go off.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Uh, hello.

Fiona

I’m speaking to the whole restaurant crowd.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hi there. This is Darcy for What’s the Tea? I appreciate the lines are busy just now, so I thought that I would entertain you with some ratings on previous teas. Today’s special is… ooh, Birthday Cake. Oh, I don’t know about that.

Fiona

And continues that.

Kyle

[Smiling.] What is your goal with this?

Fiona

I’m guessing they’re getting very frustrated, so Darcy thinks:

Fiona (as Darcy)

My soothing ASMR will soothe the whole crowd. They’ll be in a happy state.

Dan

Word.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody. We’re gonna use the stat Heart because you’re trying to calm them down, appeal to their goodness.

Fiona

Yes. Okay.

Kyle

Your goal it sounds like is to convince the crowd to just chill.

Fiona

Yes, I am good with that.

Taylor

I believe in it. I think it’s gonna work.

Fiona

It’s a 6 total.

Dan

“Nailed it.”

Kyle

Take 1 AP.

Taylor

[Makes failure buzzer sounds.]

Kyle

Your target isn’t convinced. The GM chooses one drawback. They try to get in your way, they demand something, they make a vital misunderstanding, they’re upset with you for a long time.

Fiona

Ooh. Well…

Taylor

Love it. I bet I know what.

Dan

World War Z clambering into the kitchen. Exactly, right?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Ooh, today’s a rice pudding and jam.

Kyle

[Destruction sounds.] Suddenly, you… What’s one of the bigger Necromon that I’ve got?

Fiona

Oh my god.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh no, none of them are Necromon-friendly teas. That’s a different podcast.

Kyle

Someone’s Mallea, which is a big mushroom, just charges and completely obliterates the front desk. Dev disappears into the crowd and they just start storming the back.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Uh… guys?

Fiona

Over the intercom.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Uh…! Um, that’s all for today’s special episode of What’s the Tea?

Fiona

And then click off.

Kyle

You hear (a grinding sound) as you click it off and it’s just ripped from the screams in the crowd. The rest of you see Darcy come around and then right behind her just a mass of flesh and clothes.

Dick

Right. Now, one of my descriptor moves, I can cast a spell where I can freeze time for 30 seconds. Could that keep these guys moving in that time?

Kyle

It’s not clear. I like Freeze Time freezing everything, but… Eh, you only have 1 AP, right?

Dick

I only have 1 AP.

Kyle

Okay. If you had a bunch like Jean, I would have made you pay 1 AP, but since this is a one-shot and I don’t need to worry about how this is gonna impact things long-term, sure, yeah, you can freeze time for 30 seconds and everybody else is there.

Dick

Well then, I guess I’m gonna have to try and do that because I feel like we need to barricade this somehow so that they don’t run over all of us, because then I’m never gonna be manager. I’m probably gonna be dead, trampled flat.

Taylor

To be fair, at this moment, things are not looking great for you.

Dan

Looking great for us, though.

Kyle

If Dirk dies, he goes to the Hereafter. That’s where you live, so you could just take him home with you.

Fiona

Oh, new friends.

Taylor

Oh…

Dan

You can manage a shop there or something I’m sure, maybe.

Kyle

Anyways, this conversation has taken up 10 of your 30 seconds.

Fiona

[Laughs.]

Dick (as Dirk)

You! You, move the dumpsters in front of the back door so they don’t get out on us.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Uh, okay.

Fiona

I go and I back to it, my skeleton back. Using my legs, because I can move my body parts a bit, my arms come off and push as well as me pushing my back as well, and the legs.

Dick

I’m getting around and assisting with this push to get this dumpster to barricade.

Kyle

You’re gonna help each other.

Fiona

Yes.

Kyle

So, we have a move called Help a Friend which relates to Compatibility Score.

[01:05:00]

Since this is a one-shot, for simplicity’s sake, I’m just gonna say that Fiona rolls and gets a +1. We’re not gonna do Keep Your Cool for this one, we’re gonna do a different move called Take Action. You don’t have to have finesse with pushing a dumpster, but you do have 20 seconds to do it.

Fiona

Yes. Yes.

Kyle

So Take Action is Fierce and you’re moving as quick as possible.

Fiona

Fantastic.

Kyle

Roll, add your Fierce, and then add+1 because Dirk is helping you.

Fiona

Alright, that’s a +3 in total. That’s fantastic.

[Rolls, giggles.] That’s only just, in total, a 7. I’ve rolled two twos on the dice. She’s desperately scrabbling and pushing this dumpster in front of the door.

Dick (as Dirk)

[Effort grunts.]

Kyle

The rest of you watch as you push the dumpster…

Taylor (as Jean)

Good job.

Kyle

…but you’re slightly too late. Time comes back in, and you see the crowd, which for some reason hasn’t decided to just go on the outside of the McRonalds and is specifically pushing through, has pushed it, but it’s not quite in-place so the garbage can is slowly being pushed aside. You didn’t get it fully in front of it in time.

Dick (as Dirk)

Darn it. They’re coming!

Kyle

What do you do now? Are you just gonna wait for the crowd to overwhelm you?

Taylor

Wait. Wait, okay, hold on. We are out in the back of the restaurant, and we were trying to barricade the back door. That means that this crowd is already in the kitchen.

Kyle

Yeah.

Taylor

This is so terrifying. Okay.

Fiona

[Laughs.]

Dan (as Kirby)

Hey Jean? Jean?

Taylor (as Jean)

Kir—ScooterWiz.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah-yeah, ScooterWiz. Yep, I’m here.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah, ScooterWiz. ScooterWiz!

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright. So uh, pretty much the most important situation is happening right now.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah. Yeah.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah? So like, I think it’s up to us, because… they’re preoccupied, aren’t they?

Taylor (as Jean)

We’re gonna tattle.

Dan (as Kirby)

No, no, no.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan (as Kirby)

Who are we gonna tattle to? There’s no one.

Taylor (as Jean)

Whoever comes out.

Dan (as Kirby)

Look around you, Jean.

Kyle

We’re gonna say only a couple of minutes until management arrives.

Taylor (as Jean)

Jean Wonald is gonna tattle to everyone.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, tattling later. Right now we need to stop a crowd of angry hungry people, which fair enough, I’d also be pretty pissed at this point.

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh…

Dan (as Kirby)

They look hungry. Right?

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, we need to feed them.

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh… Okay. I mean, Jean Wonald is not allowed in the kitchen.

Dan (as Kirby)

Hey. Guess what?

Taylor (as Jean)

What?

Dan (as Kirby)

I’m your big brother.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah.

Dan (as Kirby)

And I get to tell you what you’re allowed to do.

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh… Are you gonna do it?

Dan (as Kirby)

You’re allowed in the kitchen, Jean. Let’s get these people fed.

Taylor (as Jean)

Let’s go. Let’s go! Jean Wonald’s in the kitchen!

[Laughter.]

Fiona

Oh my god, you are like a Pokémon.

Kyle

So, you’re gonna push through a sea of people to make burgers? Or, where are you getting the food made?

Taylor

Yeah, wherever it is.

Dan

At this point, people are hungry. We’re just gonna grab whatever there is, spray sauce into the crowd. We’re gonna push buns out there, shower them with sesame for all I care.

Fiona

We’ve got a trash behind us. Just throw the trash. There must be something left over.

Taylor

Yeah, probably something.

Dan

They’re holding the door shut, we’re just trying to shoot over.

Kyle

That is the next question. They are in the kitchen. So, where are you getting the food?

Dan

Okay. From my rememberings of what it was like to work at a fast food place with Dickie…

Taylor

[Chuckles.] “From my personal life experience.”

Dan

…underneath the counter was where we kept all of the premade salads and buns and all of the things that would adorn the burger. Right?

Taylor

In a hot kitchen? Gross.

Dick

Oh yeah, very.

Dan

That’s how they did it.

Dan

So you know, I think at this point it’s time to pull out the chips from the fryer, it’s time to pull out all the deep-fried things, it’s time to get out all the salads and start catapulting the shit into the crowd.

Taylor

[Musically.] Third-degree burns, for free.

Dan

Well, maybe not. We let it drip first.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

You aim.

Taylor

Whatever, Jean’s got pain tolerance skills, so whatever.

Dan

But that door is being held s hut.

Dick

But the door is only partly shut, it’s slamming into the dumpster. You’re small, right?

Taylor

Yeah, we’re small.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I don't know about you, ScooterWiz, but I bet you could do a pretty cool flip up onto the trash, up onto the top, I’m sure there’s a skylight, and then plummet straight through to the kitchen by doing some parkour.

Taylor (as Jean)

Parkour! Parkour!

Dan (as Kirby)

Did you just say parkour?

Taylor (as Jean)

Jean Wonald parkour.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Uh, I mean, I listen to lots of podcasts on parkour.

Taylor (as Jean)

Hey, I can do parkour!

Fiona (as Darcy)

As well as tea.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Stammers.] Guys! Guys! Jean Wonald…

Taylor

Jean Ronald is doing “something.”

Taylor (as Jean)

Parkour! Parkour!

Kyle

We’re gonna do a Confrontation. I’m gonna do a fast one. What a Confrontation is, it’s this game’s version of combat.

[01:10:00]

It’s essentially a scenario, a more formalized version of conflict, like a monster’s chasing you, where you have a goal and your enemy has a goal. So, in this case, it sounds like your goal as a team is to essentially somehow get into the middle of this McRonalds where all the secret food is so that you can give it to the crowd. The crowd’s goal at this point…

Dick

[Unintelligible] circuses.

Taylor

To hurt us.

Kyle

…is to destroy the McRonalds.

Taylor

Ah. Oh…

Dan

That’s a bit extreme.

Kyle

It’s not necessarily their explicit goal, but it is what they’re doing. So essentially now we have clocks which are based on difficulty. Normally I’d say it’s actually a difficult thing you’re trying to do, but we’re gonna say it’s a clock of 4. Essentially, you have to take four successful actions towards achieving this goal and you will have fed everyone. Unfortunately, the crowd… their goal is pretty easy because they’ve already taken over the McRonalds, so they have a clock of 3.

So essentially, as a group, you now as individuals can dictate actions. If you roll a full success, your clock fills or you can add an effect that makes things easier. If you fail, their clock fills, and if you roll a mixed success, both of your clocks fill.

Dick

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

So, I set the scene for every step of the Confrontation.

[Makes pounding sounds.] A mixture of animals screaming and then also the Necromon is emerging from inside of this McRonalds. You can hear plates starting to smash. You don’t see this, but on the inside a little fire starts to emerge from the rope that got put in the fryer, like it starts to catch on fire.

Dick

Yeah, fair enough.

Kyle

If you don’t do something soon, there will be no McRonalds to have a manager of.

Fiona

I have a playbook move called Designated Driver. I have a reliable means of transport that is able to carry you and the other PCs. Spend an Adventure Point to have this means of transport appear at a critical moment.

[Reading and stumbling.] Confrontation, chase… Oh, no, that’s fine. I am going to make it now that my backstory, my parents have an ice cream truck.

Dan

Nice.

Fiona

And I’m just there going:

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, I wish the Chiddy Bones ice cream truck which sells… oh, also Bonfire Toffee. That’s very weird. I only have the tea.

Fiona

And then I hear the sounds of an ice cream truck coming. It’s not necessarily my parents’ ice cream truck, but there’s one that comes.

Fiona (as Darcy)

It’s there! It’s there! Use the ice cream truck to distract them!

Fiona

I don't know if that fills anything. I read the final bit of it and it says in the middle of a Confrontation that involves a chase you can fill your Confrontation clock by 1. I didn’t read that part.

Kyle

Yeah, you don’t get to automatically fill it because you are not running away. You are running towards the crowd.

Fiona

Yes, that is true.

Dick

I like the ice cream truck better.

Kyle

If you want to distract them with the ice cream truck, if someone wants to, I will treat that as an item that gives you advantage.

Fiona

Perfect.

Kyle

Someone will need to point out the ice cream truck or otherwise do something, but yeah, you have this asset of an ice cream truck just going around.

Fiona

Cool. Yeah. Alright, that’s one.

Dick

That could be a way to get us in the door. “Look, ice cream.”

Kyle

It actually is playing music as opposed to your parents’ which is just the “bone, bone, bone, bone, ice cream truck!”

Fiona

“Bone, bone, bone, bone, ice cream truck!”

Kyle

Just like with your thing, they just sing into the mic for theirs.

Fiona

[Laughs.] Yeah. Why wouldn’t they?

Kyle

This one has actual music. Why not? There’s a clown in front of it.

Fiona

Agh! I mean, oh.

Kyle

Little old clown lady behind the wheel, the kind where her eyes are barely above the…

Dan

Steering wheel?

Kyle

Steering wheel, yeah. So, you have an ice cream truck now. What are you gonna do?

Taylor

I’m gonna yell. Are the people here yet?

Kyle

You’re gonna wait for them to get out of the back door and yell?

Taylor

Yeah.

Dick

Maybe we could let them out.

Fiona

I can help out with Dirk. We let go, because we’re the ones pushing, so we’ll do that.

Taylor

Okay.

Dick (as Dirk)

Alright, let go on three. One, two…

Fiona (as Darcy)

Teabags!

Dick (as Dirk)

Two and a half…

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, okay. I’ve already gone.

Dick (as Dirk)

Agh!

Kyle

The crowd spills out. What do you yell, Jean?

Taylor

Jean Ronald falls to the ground.

Taylor (as Jean)

[Shrieks, pathetic sounds.] Help me! Everybody, this ice cream was for you, but that guy inside, he tried to steal it.

[Laughter.]

Dan

Makes complete sense.

Fiona

Wow.

Kyle

So you’re gonna roll Convince Somebody. You’re gonna use Slick because you’re lying.

Taylor

Why would I lie? Why would I lie? Why would I lie? If your character is lying, you can spend 1 AP to make whatever they’re lying about the truth.

[01:15:00]

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Dev’s secret plan was to steal ice cream all along.

Taylor

Yeah, he knew it was coming and he knew it was for these people, so he just tried to wreck everything so he could steal it.

Dick

Does that mean that Dev has actually slunk away and is actually right now stealing from the ice cream truck?

Fiona

He’s actually queued up to get a 99.

Kyle

Everyone looks over and they just see Dev super-casually just licking the ice cream cone. You got advantage because of the truck. You get double advantage now, so you roll four dice and take the results of the top two.

Fiona

Come on, Jean. Come on.

Dan

Come on, Jean!

Taylor

Okay, here we go, here we go. Oh my god, oh my god, four dice.

Dick

I like those odds.

Taylor

Jean, you can do it.

Dan

You can do it!

Fiona

Come on, Jean.

Taylor

[Rolls.] Okay, it’s a 16.

Fiona

No-no, take the top two.

Dick

That’s not possible.

Kyle

What are the top two dice?

Taylor

Oh, the top two, sorry. I just read all of them. Okay, the top two. Oh… 11.

Fiona

Ooh! Yeah!

Kyle

Eleven, full success.

Taylor

[Chuckling.] Sixteen.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Everyone turns over and they just see Dev rip another teabag and sprinkle it like a topping on the ice cream.

Taylor

Dev…

Kyle (as customer)

Hey! That guy didn’t give us food, but he’s out getting food. He doesn’t even need food!

Kyle

And they just charge him, leaving behind a little bit of a gap for you to be able to get in. Your clock is filled by 1.

Fiona

Nice.

Dick

Oh, I need to get in there and start showing off my managerial skills. I need to tell these children where the burger toppings are and start getting these people fed.

Dan

Fuck, I hate this. This is too many flashbacks, Dickie.

[Laughter.]

Taylor

Jean Ronald is just on the ground holding his knee.

Taylor (as Jean)

Guys… you see that? I tattled.

Dick (as Dirk)

Right, all of you, take these hats, take these aprons, follow me.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I’m already wearing my apron.

Taylor

“I brought an apron from home.”

Dan (as Kirby)

I can’t really wear the apron because when I’m doing tricks and stuff it gets in the way, so it doesn’t really—

Dick (as Dirk)

Okay, well just the hat.

Taylor (as Jean)

It’s not cool. It’s not cool.

Dick (as Dirk)

Wear it backwards.

Dan (as Kirby)

I can wear it backwards, yeah, I guess so.

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh, me too, me too, like that.

Dan (as Kirby)

I’ll wear it forwards then.

Taylor (as Jean)

I’ll wear it… okay, me too.

Dan (as Kirby)

I’ll wear it backwards then.

Taylor (as Jean)

Oh…

Fiona

My apron and the other apron but it’s backwards like a cape.

Taylor

I wear mine in the middle and I just change it every time I see Kirby turned it.

Dan (as Kirby)

It’s not Kirby, it’s ScooterWiz3000.

Taylor (as Jean)

ScooterWiz2000… 3000.

Dick (as Dirk)

Okay! Darcy, buns.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Ah, buns!

Dick (as Dirk)

Jean, condiments.

Taylor (as Jean)

What is that?

Dick (as Dirk)

ScooterWiz, I need you to work the grill.

Dan (as Kirby)

The grill?

Dick (as Dirk)

Here you go.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Okay, so in order, I want Darcy to roll Keep Your Cool which is showing skill at Slick, I want Jean to roll Help a Friend because it seems like Jean’s issue is more…

Taylor

Personal.

Kyle

…understanding what he’s being asked to do, and I want ScooterWiz to roll Keep Your Cool as well.

Dan

Which is Slick?

Fiona

[Rolls.] Ooh, a 10, full success.

Kyle

Alright. What about you, Jean?

Taylor

[Rolls.] It’s a 5.

Kyle

Okay.

Fiona

You have so many AP points.

Kyle

Yeah, take an AP. You get one for that. You have 5 now. No, wait, you used one. You have 4 now.

Taylor

Okay. I should have 2, right, if I use another one?

Dan

You had 4. [Intelligible], was it?

Taylor

Yeah.

Dan

Then now it’s 2.

Fiona

Yeah, now it’s 2.

Taylor

Okay, okay, okay.

Kyle

What about you, ScooterWiz?

Dan

[Rolls.] That is a 6, but I do have a Do or Do Not if it is a mixed. I don't know if it is a mixed currently.

Fiona

No, it’s not. It’s a failure, unfortunately.

Kyle

No, it’s a failure.

Dan

Oh fuck.

Fiona

[Laughs.]

Dan

Wait! I got +1 to Slick, though.

Fiona

Yeah?

Kyle

Oh, you rolled a 6?

Dan

I rolled a 6.

Kyle

Okay, so that is a 7, so it’s a mixed success.

Dan

Okay. Can I use Do or Do Not? If you roll a mixed success, you may upgrade it to a full success, however, if you do so, the GM may make a hard move immediately after your full.

Fiona

Amazing.

Dan

Okay. There we go. Hey, I did a thing.

Fiona

You got it.

Dick

Just.

Dan

Just. Thank you, Dickie.

Kyle

I want you all to describe. Darcy, how do you successfully do your job? Jean, how do you get confused and destroy the restaurant a little bit? And then ScooterWiz, how do you almost do both but then just end up succeeding?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Okay, um… don’t panic. Buns, buns.

[01:20:00]

Fiona

I realize that the best kind of buns are the flavorsome buns, so I infuse them with a butter brew that I had in my bag. It just adds more butter to the sesame seeds and stuff as well as a little bit of tea to it. It adds to the flavor, so it’s just a beautiful counter full of buns ready to have the meat put on them.

Dick

Oh, butter-infused.

Kyle

I’m grilling burgers when we’re done after this and I am so hungry now. Anyways, keep going. The beautiful buns that have me in real life actually, like…

[Sharp breath.] Jean, how do you end up destroying the restaurant a little bit with your condiment confusion?

Taylor

Okay. Jean maybe is like, eh, maybe I know what that means, maybe I don’t know what that means. Jean’s looking around. Everybody else has got a job. Jean’s like what’s the only thing that’s left out? Obviously it’s lettuce.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

Obviously.

Taylor

So Jean is like, condiments must be an old people word for lettuce, got it. Jean is gonna go to wherever the lettuce is stored. You ever seen a little dog try to pull something out of a container and the dog can’t really get it so it just keeps going (effort sounds)?

Dick

Are we talking about whole heads of lettuce?

Taylor

Probably, yeah. However it’s stored, man. I’m pulling on it and I can’t get it out. I’m also not wearing non-slip shoes, I’m not being very safe, and I have an inability about reckless movements, and I’m really tugging on this box, and it probably does come out eventually but not in the way that we wanted it to.

Fiona

Oh no!

Taylor

All over. It’s everywhere.

Kyle

Alright. ScooterWiz, what do you do?

Dan

These burgers aren’t cooking fast enough. They’re cooking, they’re cooking fine, but not as quick as we need. So, obviously what is needed is more oil, but just pouring oil on these burgers isn’t that cool. So, I’m gonna do a trick, land on the oil, and then spray the oil in a way that it generously coats all of them.

Dick

Sort of a kickflip up onto the counter?

Dan

Maybe a kickflip. Maybe a backflip. Maybe a frontflip. I don't know, you know, whatever.

Fiona

An all-round flip.

Dan

Yeah-yeah, a 360 flip. You know, the main thing is that the oil is generously placed.

Dick

You’ve rolled bad and succeeded.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, you have. You have. I’m trying to figure out my hard move. So, it gets on.

Taylor

It does get on.

Kyle

And you definitely feel the flames rise up. For a second, you’re like wow, that oil was really hot…

Taylor

Your eyebrows are gone.

Kyle

…but then you notice an insignia on one of the buns, and you realize in the flames is your mom’s hellish equivalent of a phone number.

Dan

Fuck.

Taylor

No… No!

Kyle

You were supposed to get home. Dead light savings just happened.

Several

[Groaning.] No~!

Kyle

So you messed up the time. The ice cream truck outside goes silent and we hear a guttural demonic…

Kyle (as mom)

BOYS!

Kyle

…and another pillar of flame rises into the sky as the management starts rounding the corner. You have one action left. Your mother is coming towards you. Management is coming towards you. If you roll a success, you succeed. If you roll a failure, the building is destroyed. If you do both, you feed everyone and the building is destroyed. What do you do?

Taylor

Dan, Dan, Dan. Before you do anything, I’m gonna help you.

Dan

Yeah?

Taylor

I’m gonna spend Go Big or Go Home on Dan. Continue.

Fiona

[Delighted.] Yes!

Dan

I also have Shoot First, Ask Questions Later.

Kyle

Okay?

Taylor

I’m sure these can be combined safely.

Dan

It says Touch the Other Side. So, does that mean that from this world of the living I can touch the other side of… can I touch the undead side? Is that what it means?

Kyle

Touch the Other Side is essentially if you’re doing anything that’s unfamiliar to you. Often times it could be something like using magic if you’re not a magic user, or um…

Taylor

Working a job?

Kyle

Yeah, working—

Taylor

Illegally?

Kyle

In the case of Jean, Jean’s was like, you know, using a phone. For both of you, driving a car would be touching the other side.

Dan

I’d like to hang up the call.

Kyle

Your other side is essentially trying to hang up on a burger.

Dan

Yep.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

“Sorry, wrong restaurant.”

Kyle

So you’re just… What are you doing? Are you slapping the burger?

Dan

I’m gonna flip the burger. I’m gonna flip the burger.

Fiona

Yeah, flip the burger. Flip the burger!

Kyle

You’re gonna flip the burger, alright.

Dan

I’m gonna flip the burger!

Kyle

Roll Touch the Other Side. You’re gonna use Fierce instead of Books.

Dan

So I roll 2d6?

Kyle

Yes.

Taylor

I have activated Go Big or Go Home.

[01:25:00]

Kyle

Go Big or Go Home, which means it’s a critical success or a critical failure.

Fiona

Go on.

Taylor

Yeah!

Dan

Can I use an AP point?

Kyle

Yeah, you can use an AP to roll with advantage if you haven’t rolled yet.

Dan

[Rolls.] I rolled a 6, a 4, and a 6.

Kyle

You naturally got a critical success.

Dan

We used everything. We’re flipping that burger, and we are doing it with pizzazz. I’m kickflipping as I do it.

Dan (as Kirby)

Bam! Jean, film it!

Taylor (as Jean)

I got it! Kirby, I got it. This time I got it. I got it.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, but did you get it properly though, or is it like…?

Taylor (as Jean)

I’m still getting it. I’m still getting it.

Dan (as Kirby)

No, stop getting it. The bit is done.

Taylor (as Jean)

… Okay.

Fiona

What’s Dirk doing this whole time, as we’re just-?

Dick

I mean, getting ready to just rush in and assemble these burgers and fling them at ravenous customers, clearly.

Taylor

Dirk is like Sailor Moon style putting on a new uniform looking so tight.

Fiona

Yeah. Yes. I love that.

Dick
So tight~!

Taylor

A bowtie. Only a manager can wear that.

Dick

The kitchen’s working out almost okay, so all I gotta do is serve these people.

Fiona

You’re doing stars on your name badge.

Dick

Moving all the lettuce that are on the full trays so it’s just the front-facing bits of the trays that’s got the lettuce on it, so it looks like there’s still ten more trays of lettuce there but it’s actually just—

Fiona

We know.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

As you flip over the burger, actually, to hang up on your mom, the demonic energy flies around and actually puts a really, really, supernaturally nice crisp on the burgers.

Fiona

Nice.

Taylor

Ooh~

Dick

Perfect.

Taylor

That sear, baby. Grill marks.

Dick

Alright. I just want to, as fast as possible, take these infused buns, take these burgers, put them together and fling them at every possible customer that I can.

Taylor

I videoed it.

Dan

It’s going on Deadbook.

Taylor (as Jean)

Wow, looks so good.

Fiona

DeadSpace.

Dan

DeadSpace, yeah. SkullBook.

[Laughter.]

Fiona

SkellyCloud. Just trying to think of any other.

Kyle

Management turns around the corner and Dev walks up.

Kyle (as Dev)

[Smug.] Hey guys. What took you so—

Kyle

And he’s brushed to the side as they walk, eyes… tears running down in streaks, seeing a beautiful scene. They see pure bliss as a bunch of people just have burgers in their mouths, salivating, enjoying this new recipe. Some of their souls we can even see start to leave their bodies before being pulled back because they still need to eat the burgers now.

[Laughter.]

I want to explain what’s going on with Scooter and Jean in a second, so I’m gonna say you two aren’t here, but we’re gonna say the management walks up to Dirk.

Kyle (as management)

Yeah, so uh…

Kyle

They look at your nametag.

Kyle (as management)

…Dirk, was it? Pretty highly unconventional methods you used here.

Dick (as Dirk)

I just did what came naturally.

Kyle (as management)

This is natural for you? You’re telling us you’re a natural manager?

Dick (as Dirk)

That’s exactly what I’m saying.

Kyle

Meanwhile, there was a red background among the rest of the crowd and we weren’t sure what that was, but now, if we have a metaphorical camera that can zoom out, we can just see it’s your three-story-tall mother, just this giant demon, who has just a tiny little phone in her hands.

Dan

Oh no.

Kyle

She’s staring at it and watching the video that Jean recorded.

Taylor

Ooh, I knew that would happen.

Kyle (as mom)

Boys…!

Taylor (as Jean)

Mom. Mom. Mom!

Dan (as Kirby)

Uh, yeah, uh…

Taylor (as Jean)

Mom. Mom.

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh, it sounds like we’re going through a tunnel. Oh no. Tunnel time.

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby. Kirby. Kirby, we’re right here. We’re right here.

Dan (as Kirby)

No, we’re in a tunnel.

Taylor (as Jean)

Mom! Mom, you saw the video? You saw it? We saved the whole day! We saved the whole day.

Dan (as Kirby)

Did you see the video?

Taylor (as Jean)

We saved the whole day. Kirby saved the whole day, and me too, and I was here.

Kyle

A giant bit of lava… Actually, I want both of you to roll Take Action.

Taylor

Oh… Oh my god.

Fiona

Oh no. Oh no.

Dan

[Rolls.] Eight.

Taylor

[Rolls.] Ten!

Kyle

You both jump out of the way as a giant bit of magma hits the ground and some of it flakes off. You know how it splashes? Jean, you jump out of the way, but Kirby, you get stuck in the splash zone, so a little bit of molten lava just hits your face. It doesn’t faze you that much, but it is uncomfortable.

Dan (as Kirby)

Thing is, though… uh, yeah, nah, there’s lots to explain here.

[01:30:00]

Kyle (as mom)

[Sobbing.] You boys don’t need to explain anything.

Kyle

You look up and you see that your mother has little magma tears coming out of her eyes.

Kyle (as mom)

I didn’t know my boys got a job. I’m so proud of you.

Taylor (as Jean)

Mommy, we did it!

Kyle (as mom)

How did you get something like this, kids?

Taylor (as Jean)

Mommy, we got summoned!

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, we got like head-hunted and stuff. They were looking for the best workers, and like, pretty much they asked us to work for them.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah. Only us, only we could do it.

Dan (as Kirby)

Only us, yeah.

Kyle

Darcy’s right there.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hello~

Taylor (as Jean)

Okay, and then—

Dan (as Kirby)

Oh yeah, Darcy’s been here the whole time as well.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hi, Mrs. Pit Fiend.

Fiona

A little wave.

Kyle (as mom)

Well hey there, Darcy.

Fiona (as Darcy)

I just wanted to say thank you for joining the Patreon. Your sticker of What’s the Tea? Coming through the post.

Taylor

“Stop using my credit card.”

Fiona (as Darcy)

You’re also getting a free teabag of, hang on… um, oh, buck’s fizz! That’s a new flavor.

[Laughter.]

Dick

Wow. Filthy.

Dan

Please post that chart.

Kyle (as mom)

You know, Darcy, I just love supporting little kids.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah, that’s our mom. That’s our mom.

Kyle (as mom)

I’m just a patron at heart.

Taylor (as Jean)

That’s our mom.

Kyle

Because the task has been done, all of your chains disappear.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Yay.

Taylor (as Jean)

We got promoted!

Kyle

Dirk, one chain remains, and you can see this one is connecting from you to Kirby and Jean’s mother.

Dan

Oh shit.

Dick (as Dirk)

Wait a second. What?

Dan (as Kirby)

Dad?

Taylor (as Jean)

What? What are you doing with our mom?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I think that’s where I’m gonna end it.

Fiona

Yeah! Oh my goodness.

Taylor (as Jean)

Dirk’s our new dad.

Kyle

I always want to give a chance. Is there any final things you want to happen with your character? Just things either related to the session you want to hash out, or…

Dan

If this is like a post-credit scene, as we’re all heading back to the Hereafter…

Taylor

Dirk’s our new dad?

Dan

…pushing along on my scooter, eyeing up Darcy.

Dan (as Kirby)

Hey, uh, Darcy?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Yeah?

Dan (as Kirby)

You got a pretty cool podcast?

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh yeah, it’s just… I’m working on it. I’m thinking about actually branching out to What’s the Coff-Tea, or Coffea, I don't know. I’m still working on that one. But I’m not a coffee drinker. Ooh, maybe bubble tea.

Fiona

And she writes down in her notes.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, nah, nah, tea’s cool and stuff. But like, uh, if you ever want to interview a top tricker—

Taylor (as Jean)

Kirby doesn’t drink tea.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, no, I don’t drink tea.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh… Oh, that’s a shame.

Taylor (as Jean)

Yeah. I told her about you.

Dan (as Kirby)

I could drink tea, though.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Well you know, there is a tea for everyone.

Fiona

She looks down at the stuff that’s coming from her listeners.

Fiona (as Darcy)

You know, as I always say, or as—Oh, Mrs. Pit Fiend, you sent in this one. Life is like a cup of tea; it’s wet, warm, and if you let it brew too long it becomes a bit bitter. Aw, that’s quite sad, Mrs. Pit Fiend.

[Laughter.]

Taylor (as Jean)

You hear that, Kirby? You let it brew too long.

Dan (as Kirby)

Hey, stop it. I’m trying to—

Taylor (as Jean)

Nah, I’m helping you.

Dan (as Kirby)

Nah, you’re not helping. I’m trying to—

Taylor (as Jean)

I’m helping right now. Helping. I videoed this.

Dan (as Kirby)

Stop filming.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Hey Kirby, if you want, I do have a spot for a guest cohost.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah? And like, if you want, I do know a cool tea place.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh yeah? What’s it called?

Dan (as Kirby)

Uh, Tea…

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Dan (as Kirby)

Tea… It’s Capital Tea.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, I haven’t been to that one yet. It’s on my list.

Taylor

This is like when I lied about living in Canada.

[Laughter.]

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh, it’s on my list. I’d like to go to that place.

Dan (as Kirby)

Yeah, same.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Oh cool.

Dan (as Kirby)

Maybe someday we both end up there… somehow.

Fiona (as Darcy)

Cool. I’ll bring my recording equipment.

Dan (as Kirby)

And I’ll bring my scooter.

Kyle

The name was Capital Tea, right?

Dan

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright. In that case, unless you have something you want to do for Dirk, Dick, I’ll move to the one other kind of post-credits scene. Should we cut to Capital Tea? We see a manager saying:

Kyle (as manager)

Yes, you have a very impressive record here, sir. It looks like you were suddenly let go from your old job. Could you explain what happened?

Kyle

And the camera turns and we just see Devon smile and a little glint goes off his teeth.

[01:35:00]

Kyle (as Dev)

Yes, it was… it was chaos.

Kyle

And that’ll be the ending stinger.

[Laughter.]

Dan

Very nice.

[Chill 90s game music plays.]

Fiona

If you were doing the credits of this, it would definitely be an episode of What’s the Tea? Because it’s such a short credits sequence.

Dan

So good.

Fiona

Every time we did this it would just be the same, but all of us just chiming in with ASMR tea drinking.

Dan

I love it. So good.

Fiona

Oh, amazing. Thank you so much, Kyle.

Taylor

That was so fun!

Kyle

Yeah. Thank you for playing, everyone.

Taylor

Holy crap, that was so fun.

Dan

I can’t believe you tapped into that history that I have with Dickie so much.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Listen, that was all you.

Fiona

That was all you.

Kyle

I warned you beforehand that Slice of Life Complications just become you playing your life.

Dan

I didn’t realize we were gonna be at my old job.

Dick

Naturally relatable.

Fiona

Oh, but that was amazing. Yeah, thank you so much, Kyle.

Taylor

Thank you.

Kyle

Yeah, of course.

Dan

Yeah, thank you so much.

Dick

Yeah, amazing.

[Music changes to What Am I Rolling? Intro theme.]

Fiona

The What Am I Rolling? Podcast was created, recorded and edited by me, Fiona Howard. This episode’s players were Taylor, Dan, and Dick, the Backwater Bastards, and me, Fiona. This episode’s guest GM was Kyle Decker from Quest Friends! This episode’s RPG was Under the Neighborhood, also by Kyle Decker. You can find out more information and get your own copy of Under the Neighborhood on itch.io.

The theme music was 8-Bit March by Twin Musicom, of TwinMusicom.org, licensed under a Creative Common 4.0 license.

If you want to find out more about the podcast, check out the website. That’s www.wairpodcast.com.

Fancy getting in touch? Email the podcast at whatamirollingpodcast@gmail.com.

Finally, follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @wair_podcast for latest news on upcoming episodes. And whilst you’re at it, check out our Discord. There’s a link in the show notes.

And remember, adventurers need not apply.