Four gossip-devouring vampires infiltrate the most dramatic party of the year.
Check out The Vampire Journals: journalspodcast.com/
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/3nUmoG3FH9u0o0hK98yWnJ
Twitter: @JournalsPodcast
Follow Quest Friends! Online:
Website: questfriendspodcast.com
Patreon: patreon.com/questfriends
Under the Neighborhood: questfriends.itch.io/neighborhood
Merch Store: teepublic.com/stores/quest-friends?ref_id=24896
Facebook: facebook.com/QuestFriendsPodcast/
Instagram: @questfriendspodcast
TikTok: @quest_friends
Tumblr: questfriendspodcast.tumblr.com
Twitch: twitch.tv/questfriends
Twitter: @Quest_Friends
YouTube (Main): @questfriendspodcast
YouTube (Stream VODs): @questfriendsstreams
Kyle
In the world of Hereafter, vampires don’t only consume blood. So, what happens when four drama-eating vampires are uninvited to the most dramatic party of the year?
This episode is brought to you in partnership with The Vampire Journals. Morgan Ormond, the creator of the podcast Earth Break starring Jenny Slate, is a Vampire Diaries superfan who forces their three best friends to watch the show and answer the age-old question: Is The Vampire Diaries good?
Together they look back at baffling choices that made this CW teen drama a mesmerizing super hit. This hot mess has everything; drama, romance, an ongoing referendum of 2010s fashion, and brooding men talking so close to each other that they might as well be kissing.
You can find The Vampire Journals at JournalsPodcast.com, in the description below, or by searching The Vampire Journals on whatever podcatcher you’re using to listen to this episode. And now, on with the show.
[Clip compilation begins.]
El
Okay, I’ve got a +2 to Books.
Hannah
This will be huge.
El
[Rolls.] Oh!
[Shouting and laughter.]
Morgan
Two ones, ladies and gentlemen and…
El
I crit failed. I crit failed. I rolled snake eyes. First roll of the game.
Hannah
I love an omen!
El
Can I suggest something that happens…?
Morgan
What’s vampire for cougar?
Hannah
Silver bat.
Morgan
[Delighted.] Silver bat…
Kyle
[Laughs.]
El
Great. We’ve got two bags of popcorn and a pair of castanets. We’re ready to really be—
Bridget
In a fanny pack. We have a fanny pack.
El
Yeah, in a fanny pack. We’re ready to be the life of the party. The unlife of the party.
Several
Eyy!
[Clip compilation ends.]
Morgan
Hi, I’m Morgan.
El
And I’m El.
Morgan
And this is…
Morgan & El
The Vampire Journals.
Morgan
Special episode!
El
Yeah.
Morgan
[Makes air horn sounds.]
El
[Laughs.] Um… yeah. We didn’t rehearse an opening, Morgan. You just looked at me.
[Laughter.]
Bridget
And you’ve just been Pavlov’d into saying “and this is…”
El
Yeah. Listen, first 15 seconds I got. After that, I’m gonna hand this off to you to explain what’s going on.
Morgan
This episode we’re actually not watching an episode of The Vampire Diaries. Instead, we are all going to play vampires in a game using rules Powered by the Apocalypse. This time we have one more special guest than usual. We have our friend Kyle here to DM for us. Any listeners who don’t know, we’re playing something like Dungeons & Dragons but it’s not Dungeons & Dragons. We also have in the kitchen studio Bridget Woodbury.
Bridget
Hi. I’m Bridget Woodbury. I’m just a guy.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
Yeah. Listener, you’ve never met Bridget Woodbury before, ever.
El
No, Just some very similarly named experts.
Bridget
Yes. It’s a common name. Much like yours, I believe.
Hannah
Much like mine.
Morgan
Hannah Tsiopanos.
Hannah
Another guy.
Morgan
Some background information as to how we source our experts is actually I search the names Bridget Woodbury and Hannah Tsiopanos on LinkedIn and I pick one of the thousands of people—
Bridget
Whatever’s the closest, yeah.
Morgan
Yeah, because there’s so many people of so many specialties just under those two specific names, and I really haven’t had to open the umbrella any wider.
Bridget
Incredible names.
Morgan
But I think most importantly, if you could introduce yourself.
Kyle
Hi, I’m Kyle. Decker. That’s my last name. I don’t…
Bridget
Hi Kyle!
Kyle
I also rehearse nothing.
Morgan
Wow.
Bridget
What are you the expert in?
Kyle
I am the expert in Under the Neighborhood, a Powered by the Apocalypse roleplaying system which we are using to tell an improvised story today.
Bridget
Hell yeah.
Morgan
Yes, everything will be improvised like all of our episodes.
Bridget
I think there actually might be more structure to this than any episode we’ve ever done before.
Morgan
Yeah.
[laughter.]
Kyle
I do have a page of notes, and it’s literally all side character ideas that I got from asking my friends, hey, every dramatic show that you know, like Riverdale or Supernatural or something, give me your favorite characters from there.
El
Yes, Perfect.
Bridget
Oh, impeccable.
Morgan
Amazing.
Kyle
So, we’ve got Jughead Jones here and what his deal is. I’ve got Miss Grundy which just says “will sleep with student if he is hot but also a sensitive boy.”
El
Yeah, that tracks.
Kyle
We’ve got Nick Scratch. We’ve got Chuck. I don't know anything about these characters. I was just given a two-sentence summary and I was like, alright, here we go.
Morgan
Alright. Kyle, do you want to take it away?
Kyle
So, as we had mentioned earlier, we’re gonna be playing a roleplaying game. For anyone not familiar with roleplaying or Dungeons & Dragons, which this is but is also not, all of these wonderful players here are going to be taking on the role of a character in a story. One of our protagonists.
[00:05:00]
I don’t want to use the word “hero.” That’s kind of stretching the definition a bit, but they are our point of view characters. They will be describing what their characters want, what their characters do. I, meanwhile, will describe the world. I will describe how things physically look but I will also describe the actions of anybody else, all of the side characters.
That’s essentially what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna just tell a story back and forth, improvising, and then at any point if we’re unsure what happens we will roll dice, and higher numbers mean that things are probably better for our not-quite-heroes, and lower numbers mean that things are a little more fun for the world.
Bridget
Just like capitalism.
El
What?
[Laughter.]
Kyle
The game we are playing specifically is called Under the Neighborhood, and the world we are playing in is a pre-gen world from Under the Neighborhood and the world of my podcast, Quest Friends! Hereafter, where the worlds of the living and the dead are only a plane ride apart.
So, our characters are going to be living in a place called the Valley. The Valley is in The Here, which is the place of the living, and it is… it’s just Phoenix. It is just Phoenix, Arizona, and Scottsdale.
Morgan
That is hell.
Kyle
[Laughs.] Typically you’re gonna find a lot of folks who are alive here, but you’re also going to find lots of the dead. One of the main characters of our podcast for example is a skeleton man. We’ve also got ghosts and phantoms and zombies, and in this case a whole den of vampires. We’ll talk more about how vampires work… now, actually.
[Laughter.]
Let’s talk about each of our characters. Who are the wonderful characters we are gonna be following today?
Morgan
This is Morgan speaking, in case you didn’t recognize my voice. I’m playing a character named Jeremy.
El
Whoa.
Hannah
Yeah!
Bridget
Unfamiliar name.
Morgan
I look like Jeremy Gilbert from The Vampire Diaries, but—
Hannah
Steve McQueen?
Morgan
Steve McQueen! But no relation.
Hannah
Interesting.
Morgan
Yeah. My character type is weird.
El
Tracks.
Morgan
So I’m the weird who stumbles into success and feeds on love triangles. Instead of blood I feed on love triangles. My pronouns are he/they, my age is eleventy, and my signature item is The Vampire Diaries DVD box set.
El
Have you as a character put together that you look exactly like one of the main characters on the show? Is that…?
Morgan
What do you mean?
El
… You know what, never mind! No, it’s… you know. You’re both, you know, just…
Kyle
I just love that Jeremy is the weird and yet looks like the most milquetoast brown-haired white man.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
Yeah. That was on purpose.
Bridget
Subverting some norms.
Morgan
Actually, that would line up if Jeremy can’t look in the mirror.
El
[Gasps.] he doesn’t know!
Kyle
You’re just gonna be living in a house with three other vampires and have no idea that they are—
[Laughter.]
Bridget
And none of us know what we look like.
El
And Steve McQueen. Yeah, none of us have the heart to tell him.
Bridget
Okay, I’m up. This is Bridget, and I will be replicating my idol and yours, Coach.
Morgan
Yeah, everyone’s favorite.
Bridget
Polarizing figure. Coach’s pronouns are he/him. He’s 45 years old. He is the intuition who plays sports and feeds on people giving 110%. Coach is never without his whistle, clipboard and beer belly. He is peak ‘the mundane guy’ who wants to leave it all on the field.
Morgan
I have a question.
Bridget
Yeah, hit me.
Morgan
You’re 45. How long have you been 45?
Hannah
Whoa.
Morgan
Oh, listener, Bridget’s shrugging.
Bridget
No way to know.
Morgan
Maybe for eleventy years?
El
What sport do you coach?
Bridget
Football.
El
Nice.
Bridget
Football. I am constantly carrying my signature football item.
Morgan
Is it a football?
Hannah
[Laughing.] Is it a football?
Bridget
Yeah.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
I got bad news about football in this world, though.
Bridget
Oh?
Kyle
It is neither American football nor soccer, and yet it is both at the same time.
El
I love that.
Bridget
Okay. Well, so, is it rugby? Because then I’m still onboard.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
That’s up for you to decide, Coach.
Bridget
Thank you so much.
Kyle
You make the rules.
El
This is El. I’m playing a character named Scooter in homage to our fallen god, Slater.
Morgan
Rip.
El
Yeah, R.I.P. He is the journalist who overextends and feeds on fun facts; just any piece of information that’s like… you know, titillating, interesting. Pronouns, he/him. He is 45 like Coach but looks about 20. Definitely has a baby face but an incongruous pair of very tired-looking eyes.
[Laughter.]
Hannah
I’m Hannah, and I will be playing
[Sinister old lady voice.] Korvina Puckner.
Morgan
Oh god.
[Laughter.]
Hannah
She’s an opportunist who knows people.
[00:10:00]
She feeds on the drama in other people’s misery. She’s a real busybody and is always trying to get people to
[Korvina voice.] share a little more. Tell me about that. How does it remind you of your relationship with your mother?
Morgan
Cut to Hannah in 30 years.
Hannah
I know!
Kyle
Beautiful. Okay, so, those are each of our wonderful vampire characters. As you may have noticed, we mentioned they feed on things other than blood, because how vampires work in the world of Hereafter, the world of Quest Friends! Hereafter, is that they feed off of “something.” It can be something physical and tangible like blood, or impossible burgers, or it can be more ethereal like, as we’ve mentioned here, love triangles, people giving 110%, fun facts, and drama.
[Laughter.]
Now, it hasn’t been established yet in the show, and I haven’t decided yet, whether or not are you gonna die if you don’t feed, or do you just get tired, or how does that work. But, we do know for sure that you have an insatiable hunger for it, typically driven by having an insatiable hunger for that same thing in life. So, regardless of what happens if you don’t get it… well, that’s a non-issue because you are going to feed.
Other bits of lore about vampires are: You’re going to have physical traits that contribute to you getting what you want similar to how vampires have fangs so they can just, you know, stick them in like little needles. Yes, I subscribe to the school of thought that vampire fangs have little holes inside of them.
El
Straws? They’re straws? They’re blood straws?!
Morgan
I 100% am on this team as well.
Bridget
It’s blood plumbing.
Kyle
Then, another thing is, they have to feed, they have to be willingly invited to the place that they are going to. You can’t just kick down someone’s door, tell them to start doing some pushups, and then feed.
Morgan
As much as you want to.
Bridget
Okay. That’s a good boundary.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
So, the basic adventure we’re going to go on today is that there is going to be a cool party going on in the Valley and the four of you all know that this is a perfect opportunity to feed. That will be your main challenge today. But, in Under the Neighborhood, we have an additional wrinkle to our adventures, because life is not just a series of big adventures, it’s a series of minor inconveniences that follow us and then we die. Today, we’re gonna play out one of those inconveniences.
This is a mechanic called Slice of Life Complications. Essentially, each of you are going to suggest for somebody else a mundane complication, the kind of thing that in your day-to-day life you might find yourself complaining to a friend about. My coffee machine got broken. My car won’t go in reverse anymore. One of my favorites from an episode I just released was a character was 11 years old and she wanted to go to a PG-13 movie.
[Laughter.]
To make this simpler, I’m gonna say we’re gonna go clockwise, so look to the person on your left, and you are going to suggest a complication for their character. Then, once all of us have suggested one, we’re gonna pick our favorite and that’s going to be something that’s also happening. Let’s just go in the same order, so we’ll start with Morgan suggesting a complication for Coach.
Morgan
Oh… What’s a good complication for a football coach…?
Kyle
The courts have been taken over by the badminton team.
Morgan
Ooh! Yeah, any sort of scheduling…
Bridget
I was thinking I forgot my sunglasses.
Morgan
[Laughs.] Yeah, or like, the team lost their face paint that they use.
El
Can’t get your headset to work?
Bridget
Yeah, dye black.
Morgan
Mm-hmm. Can’t you tell I’m good at sports? That I’m a master of sports.
Bridget
Incredible.
El
A sports master.
Morgan
No, I like that. Other sports coaches have booked up the week for the field.
Hannah
Sports coaches.
Morgan
Yeah, and you’re just… you’re just trying to do a game, man.
Bridget
I don't know how they’re gonna give 110% on asphalt. You cannot wear cleats on asphalt.
Hannah
Can they do barefoot football?
El
Absolutely not; ruin the cleats, ruin the asphalt.
Bridget
For Scooter, I’d like to offer that one of your contacts has fallen out.
[Laughter.]
El
Oh no. Oh my god. And it’s somewhere in the house? Because I need my eyes for taking in information.
Bridget
You have one contact in and it’s working fine, but the other is gone.
El
Oh my god. That’s terrible. Thank you.
Bridget
You’re welcome.
Kyle
That’s viscerally upsetting.
Hannah
Yeah, as a contact American…
[Laughter.]
Morgan
Contact football.
El
Hannah, what was your character’s name again?
Hannah
Korvina.
El
Korvina’s… Yours, if you’re down with this, is that someone, and you don’t know who, has blocked you from the neighborhood Facebook group which was a major source of your drama feeding.
[00:15:00]
Hannah
Incredible.
El
Yeah. You don't know who the moderators are because they just have a moderator account without a face attached.
Hannah
Okay, absolute nightmare. I’m thinking for Vamp Jer…
Morgan
VampJer2000?
Hannah
Yeah. I’m thinking that someone in the area has exhibited a really healthy polyamorous relationship and so other couples are starting to be like “maybe there’s a better way,” and it’s kind of…
El
Oh, I love that. Do love triangles… Do they only work if you feed on them if there’s conflict?
Morgan
Yeah. So basically, I do feed on drama, but I have more of a specific pallet. Drama’s kind of like a snack, but I’m not gonna get full.
El
You need the indecision of someone being like… there’s two people and each represent a different thing and they have to choose.
Morgan
Yeah. Who do I choose, or like… does she like that other guy, I’m upset.
Hannah
And there’s a really chill open role model in the community that’s kind of poisoning your pool.
Morgan
I’m just gonna write down polyamory.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
I mean, my note was “monogamy is dying.”
Morgan
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
El
Yeah. Truly. People have access to the internet and that’s kind of ruining your whole thing.
Hannah
As a vampire, your whole deal would have been way easier hundreds of years ago.
Morgan
I know…
Bridget
I love that the options for ruining your life are either non-monogamy or therapy.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
‘Stop going to therapy.’
El
I’m Jeremy. Stop going to therapy.
Hannah
I’m hungry. Stop going to therapy.
Bridget
Well, okay, Jeremy is living with a bunch of old people.
Hannah
[Korvina voice.] I’m 29.
Kyle
Alright. Here are our four complications. Other coaches have booked up for the week. One of Scooter’s contacts, just one, has fallen out. Korvina has been blocked from the neighborhood Facebook group, but we don’t know who the moderator is. And, polyamory is becoming more accepted, which of course, the true prude’s nightmare, clearly means that monogamy is on death’s door.
[Laughter.]
Yeah, so at this point we’re gonna choose one of these that is going to be challenging one of your characters. Which one of these do we want to explore more today?
Bridget
I don’t want Hannah to have Facebook.
Hannah
Sorry, are you talking about Korvina or me?
Bridget
Both.
El
I think coach versus coach is very funny. That makes my vote.
Morgan
I think contact is so funny.
Hannah
I think contact is hilarious.
Morgan
I just want El to roleplay not having one contact in. Ugh, god. The problem is that we’re all so funny. Kyle!
Kyle
Welcome to our hell. I’ll let you in on a hint. We can do two. I will let us do two. I have done more than two before. That is a bad idea. Unless they lean into each other, and I can’t think of a way something like other coaches have booked up the week leading to Korvina getting blocked on Facebook.
Morgan
That’s a tangled web right there.
Bridget
I can’t figure out where they’re booking the field because I’ve also been blocked on Facebook.
Kyle
You’ve all been blocked on Facebook.
Morgan
We’re gonna lock in contact, Kyle.
El
Contact for sure.
Kyle
Okay.
Morgan
Lost one contact, final answer.
Kyle
Then do we want to do any other ones or do we want to stick with contact?
Hannah
You’re looking at me. I can do locked out of Facebook.
Morgan
Are you sure?
Hannah
I can do blocked on the neighborhood Facebook group. Yeah, absolutely. Because also, I think that would really work for going to a party, to kind of start some conversations.
Morgan
Find out who did it?
Hannah
So, like, interesting…
Bridget
Like, who is the…? Yeah.
Hannah
“Do you guys know who…?”
Kyle
It’s a mystery.
Bridget
You gotta go to the party to get some drama because you can’t get it on the internet.
Hannah
Ugh, I’m so hungry.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Alright! So, let us get started on our adventure. We’re gonna start… We’re gonna see “The Facebook.” In our world they never changed it back to Facebook. It is still The Facebook.
Morgan
Yes.
El
Where’s Justin Timberlake?
Kyle
We’re gonna see an image for a really cool party being held in the Andrews Manor by Archibald Andrews.
Morgan
Oh fuck yes.
Kyle
I’m really, really upset that that’s Archie’s full name because I had independently decided I was gonna call him Archibald as a way of making it not just Archie from Riverdale, and I got beat to the punch.
Morgan
What did you think it was short for?
[00:20:00]
Kyle
I just thought his name was just Archie!
Morgan
He definitely looks so much more like an Archie than an Archibald.
Bridget
Archington.
Kyle
Anyways. There’s this guy, probably in his 30s although he claims he’s 16, with orange hair and this weird orange mustache. You know the mustache guys do when they try to seem hipster? It’s the old-timey mustache.
[Halloween electronic music begins.]
Bridget
Oh, it’s like waxed? Yeah.
Kyle
It’s like that black old-timey mustache but also orange.
Morgan
I love it.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Hello there, fellow dudeth. We will be having a chill party welcome to anybody who is part of The Neighborhood, the Facebook group. Come now for a night of thrilling drama, fun facts, love triangles, and don’t be willing to come if you will not be haveningith… be giving one hundred and tennith percent…ith, dudes!
Morgan
[Delighted.] Haveningith?!
Kyle (as Archibald)
So, cometh over to the Andrews Manor at—
[Music ends.]
Kyle
And suddenly it cuts off and there’s just a big screen that says “you have been blocked from seeing this page.”
[Distraught sounds.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I once saw a face on a book.
El (as Scooter)
In what context?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
It was called The Necronomicon.
El (as Scooter)
Oh. Was it an illustration or…?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I think it was a documentary?
Bridget (as Coach)
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
There was a man with a hand that was a chainsaw. Anyways. Is that where we’re going?
Bridget (as Coach)
I don't know, we’ve been blocked.
El (as Scooter)
Oh no!
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Wait… Why?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay, so… I’ve been, let’s say, convincing people to reveal some juicy tidbits in the comments section, and apparently that is coercive and creepy. But I don't know who makes that decision.
Bridget (as Coach)
Who is the arbiter of creepy?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
There should be a moderator who could…
Hannah (as Korvina)
Is there? I can’t click it. I can’t see—
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh! You gotta double-click it.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’m double-clicking.
El (as Scooter)
I don’t—I don’t see anything.
Hannah (as Korvina)
It seems like I’m highlighting a lot of text.
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay… Okay. Would you say that you’re really giving this your all? Are you trying as hard as you can to click that button?
Hannah (as Korvina)
No! Get away from me.
Bridget (as Coach)
I just feel like if you maybe try a little harder you can make it happen.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I feel like maybe you should get a snack elsewhere.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yes. I think we promised each other we wouldn’t eat each other.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, I think that’s still a good roommate boundary to maintain.
Hannah (as Korvina)
But of course, if you would like to tiptoe on that boundary, I’m happy to extend near you…
Morgan (as Jeremy)
But if anyone wants to fall in love with each other, that would be fine with me.
El (as Scooter)
I think that’s an even worse roommate boundary to cross, frankly.
Bridget (as Coach)
Nobody gets to be in love with you, buddy.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Well no, you don’t have to be in love with me. You can be in love with each other, though. That’s fine.
Bridget (as Coach)
I think that’s fine.
El (as Scooter)
I respect you all so deeply but not in that way.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay, rude. Ooh, drama?
[Laughter.]
Bridget
I feel like this is gonna end with Coach and Korvina in love.
Hannah
[Korvina voice.] You always say that. It’s so weird.
El (as Scooter)
So everyone, not to interject… if we’re all hungry, and I think we all are—
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yeah, the refrigerator’s empty.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah, and I’m trying to feed on a roommate, you know.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, it’s gotten to a dire strait.
Kyle
Wait, wait, wait. Let me back up for a second. What the fuck do you keep in the fridge?
El
I keep an encyclopedia to prevent it from getting sun damaged.
Bridget
Mm-hmm. I keep my cleats in there.
Hannah
I put someone’s vampire diary in it.
Morgan
I put my box set in there because I think… I don’t want it to go bad.
[Laughter.]
El (as Scooter)
From the beginning of that video, it seemed as though there would have been something of interest to all of us at that party.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah, something for everybody.
El (as Scooter)
Really something for everybody. We just need to find out where that Andrews Manor is. Does anyone know this guy?
Hannah (as Korvina)
No, but I know his girlfriend, and I’m dying to know what she thinks of the mustache.
El (as Scooter)
Okay. Wait, and also, before we leave, not to bother anyone, but just watch out where you’re stepping because I think I lost a contact.
Hannah (as Korvina)
How many fingers am I holding up?
El (as Scooter)
Well, if I cover one eye, I can see that you’re not holding up any fingers.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Ah~
Morgan (as Jeremy)
What’s a contact?
El (as Scooter)
It’s sort of like glasses that you press directly onto an eyeball.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Ew!
El (as Scooter)
It’s very helpful.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Do you think that’s gross? You were talking about the Necronomicon like two seconds ago.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
… You’re right.
[Laughter.]
Okay, so a piece of your eyeball fell out and we gotta find it.
Bridget (as Coach)
Close enough.
El (as Scooter)
In a manner of speaking, yes.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Uh-oh. What are you gonna do?
El (as Scooter)
Well, right now I’m gonna get on my hands and knees and sort of pat the ground.
Kyle
Fucking vampire Velma over here.
[00:25:00]
Bridget
Yeah, we’re doing a bit of a Velma.
[Laughter.]
El
Oh my god, it is vampire Velma! Oh my god.
Bridget
It’s Velma in slacks.
El
Yeah. Scooter gets on his hands and knees and kinda pats the ground.
Kyle
Okay. Let’s do a roll for this. Sure, why not? We’re gonna do Understand. Understand is gonna help you answer a simple question. I feel like the question we all want to know is where is your contact. That is a Books, so you are gonna roll 2d6 dice, you are gonna add one of four stats, this one is Books, and based on how you roll we may or may not know where your contact is.
Hannah
[Korvina voice.] This will be huge.
El
Okay. Amazing. I’ve got a +2 to Books.
[Rolls.] Oh!
[Shouting and laughter.]
Morgan
Two ones, ladies and gentlemen and…
El
I crit failed. I crit failed. I rolled snake eyes. First roll of the game.
Bridget
Wow.
Hannah
I love an omen!
El
Can I suggest something that happens?
Kyle
Yeah, go ahead. All it is, you misunderstand something vital about your target.
El
Oh, okay, like where it is?
Kyle
Yeah, which can lead to something bad happening, so go ahead.
El
I was gonna say maybe, like… I think I lost it in this room, but I misunderstand that I didn’t, so I’m patting the ground. Maybe some dust kicks up and I go to rub the eye that does have a contact in it and I lose my other contact.
[Laughter.]
Bridget
Scooter, are you nearsighted or farsighted?
El
Which one is the one where you can’t see things that are far away?
Bridget
Nearsighted.
El
I’ll say I’m probably nearsighted.
Morgan
That’s the readers one.
Bridget
Yeah, so you can still read.
El
Yeah, I can still read, but maybe I can’t see stuff that’s beyond a certain distance from me now.
Kyle
So, you can see the dust, and the dust now seems to spread to infinity, because everything beyond the dust in front of you is just a fuzzy void.
El (as Scooter)
Oh… Oh dear.
Bridget (as Coach)
What the fuck was in this carpet? Did you empty another urn?
[Laughter.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
When you told me to clean the carpet, I thought that’s what you meant.
El (as Scooter)
Excuse me? Is there people in my eye right now?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Amelia Bedelia over here dusted the carpet.
El (as Scooter)
Oh dear.
Kyle
You just see an urn next to it that just says David.
[Laughter.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
You got David in your face right now.
El (as Scooter)
Oh no!
Morgan (as Jeremy)
That’s okay. He probably would like it.
El (as Scooter)
Huh?!
Bridget (as Coach)
I really thought that after we discussed the Uncle Mike incident that this wasn’t gonna happen again.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I talked to David on the other side just a little while ago and he was like “I’m totally cool with it, bro.”
El (as Scooter)
Well, this feels a little bit disrespectful. He wanted his ashes spread in a burnt umber carpet?
Hannah (as Korvina)
And then into your eye.
El (as Scooter)
And then into me?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Clearly you didn’t know David.
El (as Scooter)
Okay. Yeah…
El
There are tears streaming down my face right now. I’m so irritated.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh, that’s so David.
Hannah
David slurry?
El
My eyes are puffed up and red.
Kyle
Worst fact about David, by the way. David was notoriously uninformed about things. He literally had a podcast just about catching him up on things. So, you have the antithesis of fun facts in your eyes.
Bridget
Wow!
El (as Scooter)
Oh god. Oh, it burns. Oh, this feels terrible. Oh my god. I feel like I’m forgetting really cool stuff right now.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I bet you are. How does that make you feel?
El (as Scooter)
Bad!
Bridget (as Coach)
Eyes closed, sad lies.
El (as Scooter)
Wow… I mean, that’s a beautiful phrase, but oh… oh beans.
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay. Alright. We gotta figure out how to get Scooter some facts.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah. Listen, I need to go somewhere—
Hannah (as Korvina)
Do you think they’re doing a trivia night at the party?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Ooh! I was gonna say, maybe the party has some facts.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Yum, yum, yum.
Kyle
A fact you do know. You do know that Archibald’s best friend, Juggie Jones, she’s a novelist from the rough side of town who wears a beanie at all times, and she loves trivia.
Morgan
[Gasps.]
El
Oh god.
Bridget
Is she gay? She’s a full-time beanie wearer. That feels like…
Hannah
Kyle, is she gay?
El
[Laughing.] Like a euphemism?
Morgan
Kyle. Kyle! It’s Pride Month. Is she gay?
Kyle
We are in the world of fiction podcasting. Everyone is gay.
Bridget
Incredible.
Kyle
Unless stated otherwise, it is an assumption.
El
Yeah, it’s the norm.
Bridget
There’s not an answer I could have wanted more.
[Laughter.]
El
I clamber up off the floor using the wall to balance myself. I’m still a little disoriented.
El (as Scooter)
Okay. Okay. Can we, um… I just read a phenomenal review of one of Juggie Jones’s latest novels. Can we maybe call or visit her to ask if she knows where this guy lives? Because I think they’re friends.
Bridget (as Coach)
You’re sort of doing that thing from TikTok where it’s like ‘what would happen if you just called Taylor up.’
El (as Scooter)
I mean, what WOULD happen if you just called Taylor up? Maybe we’d get invited to a party.
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay. How are you gonna find the phone number?
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’ve got it.
Hannah
Um, I have a move?
Kyle
I was waiting for this to happen.
[00:30:00]
I was gonna call it if you didn’t do it.
Hannah
Okay, so I took two moves for this: one, I Know Somebody, or two, Knows People.
Kyle
Let’s do Knows People because that’s your descriptor which is kind of your unique thing.
Hannah
Love it. Okay. You know somebody who knows somebody. Instead of doing a basic move, spend 1 AP to have a friend of a friend appear. Do I have any AP right now?
Kyle
AP, or Adventure Points, are essentially currency you can use to spend on things. Yes, since this is our first adventure, you all start with 1 AP.
El
Oh nice.
Hannah
Great. I’m gonna blow it. Okay, I’m gonna spend 1 AP to have a friend of a friend appear, and I get to roll +Slick.
[Rolls.] I got an 8.
Kyle
Okay, a mixed success.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Is this friend of a friend of yours hot?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Yes, of course.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Do you like them, maybe?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Not I, but I mean, you can do whatever the fuck you want.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
No. I’m not really interested for myself.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Whatever, Jeremy.
Kyle
Alright. What does a mixed success get you?
Hannah
Mixed success. Your connection sort of resolves the issue for you. Act as if you had resolved the basic move as a mixed success. Your connections may ask for something in return.
Kyle
Okay. Yeah. Do you just call up Juggie Jones?
Hannah
Yeah. I think I call her mom.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Alright. I don’t have a name, so her mom is just Snuggie Jones now.
El
Aww.
Hannah
Snuggie!
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Oh, Korvina! How are you today?
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’m so good. I’m so good!
Kyle (as Snuggie)
It’s so great to hear from you.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Oh, thank you. You’re so kind to say that. I just heard that little Juggie had a wonderful review!
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Oh! Did she now? She doesn’t tell her mother that.
Hannah (as Korvina)
They never do. Okay, is she having a party?
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Is she having a party? Well, she wouldn’t tell her mother about that either, but I have heard rumblings on The Facebook.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Ooh! Okay?
Kyle (as Snuggie)
About the fancy, you know… the charming man, Archibald Andrews.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’ve heard tale.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Yeah, the charming young man.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Quite a mustache.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Oh yeah. Oh-ho-ho! Don’t get me started on that mustache.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’d love to get you started, actually. So, how does that make you feel?
Morgan
I’m listening in on the other line. Like, in the other room I picked up the phone receiver and I’m just kinda breathing.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Oh, well, he makes me feel things that even on this podcast with which we can swear I think is a bit too spicy.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Jeremy, hang up.
[Laughter.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh! Ah!
Morgan
Click.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. I’d love to find my way over to that little shindig.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
I can, uh… I can give you the information to get there. I can’t get you in, but I can tell you where the party is being held. But, I will need something in return.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Anything, Snuggie… for you.
Morgan
“Snuggie, baby.”
Hannah
“Snuggie, baby!”
Kyle (as Snuggie)
I need…
Hannah (as Korvina)
Yes?
Kyle (as Snuggie)
…a confirmed date with Archibald Andrews.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Well shit.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
And if I don’t get it, I will spill so many secrets. You will never end up on The Facebook again.
[Gasps.]
Hannah (as Korvina)
Wow, so I’d have like an incredible feast and then a long famine. Okay. Out of curiosity, what’s the age gap here?
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Well, you know—
Hannah (as Korvina)
Is it kind of just hand-wavy?
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Okay. It’s kind of one of those ones that’s messed up in all the right ways, because…
[Laughter.]
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’m familiar! I’m familiar.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
…not only are we having the thing where he looks significantly younger than his age, so of course anything is appropriate, because I look like a foxy older woman.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Of course.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
But also, you know, since Archibald is one of the undying, I do believe he is in fact about 1,000 years older than I am, so it’s kind of messed up.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Oh… Oh. All the right ways. All the right ways!
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Yeah, it’s messed up in all the right ways.
Hannah (as Korvina)
You think it’s messed up in one way and then it’s actually flipsy-doodles.
Bridget
A November-December relationship.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay, a date with Archibald. Okay, I’ll get back to you. I’ll start chipping away at that old nugget right now.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Okay!
Kyle
So, have you agreed to it?
Hannah
I’ve agreed. I’ve agreed to it.
Kyle
Okay, perfect. You get an address.
Hannah
Yes!
Kyle
You get 231 Evernever Lane.
Morgan
Perfect.
Hannah (as Korvina)
God, I could have guessed that.
Kyle
It’s the street right next to you. You can see the house from your den. It is a giant manor.
[00:35:00]
Bridget (as Coach)
Oh! It’s the big creepy house on the hill.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Oh, it’s the big creepy house!
El (as Scooter)
We should really get to know our neighbors better. We’ve lived in this neighborhood for long enough.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I feel like I know them pretty well, but they kind of all have weird screen names.
[Chuckling.]
Okay. Well, roomies, I have an address, but I have to get Juggie’s mom a date with Archibald. Before you ask—
El (as Scooter)
Is Archibald in a relationship already?
Hannah (as Korvina)
No clue.
El (as Scooter)
Alright. Well, we’ll find that out.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I wanna find that out.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
What’s vampire for cougar?
Hannah
Silver bat.
Morgan
[Delighted.] Silver bat…
Kyle
[Laughs.] Worst case scenario. You know our Betty Cooper and Veronica replacements, which by the way are called Coops and V, you know at least one of them is going to be livid. From what I hear, Coops has the serial killer genes. Gotta be careful.
Morgan
That is true. Yeah, don’t want to piss off Coops.
Hannah
They’re Levi’s.
Bridget
Wow. Incredible that that’s not even sort of a joke. That’s just a plot point from Riverdale.
El (as Scooter)
Alright. Are we ready for the party? Should we bring anything? Should we bring wine…?
Bridget (as Coach)
No. We can’t… We don’t have an invite in yet.
El (as Scooter)
Ah.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Oh, do we need that? Seems kind of extra if we just show up.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
You should know we need to be invited before we get in.
El (as Scooter)
I mean, famously, as vampires.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah, if we want to eat. If we want to feed.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay, but isn’t a party like saying “stroll on in”?
Bridget (as Coach)
I think they blocked you right before we got that end line.
El (as Scooter)
Oh. They specifically blocked you before the invite went out, which…
Hannah (as Korvina)
Specifically not invited. Okay. Okay! And I have to get the host to date someone. So, I have to get off the shit list and then onto a list that organizes dates.
Bridget (as Coach)
Uh-huh. Okay, okay, okay. Maybe we can help you get him.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Please!
El (as Scooter)
Sort of like a wingman-in-law? Like, you’re wingmanning and we’re helping you with that.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Yes, that’s definitely an “in-law” relationship.
El (as Scooter)
I don't know, a secondary? Second string?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Ooh. Coach? That’s your territory now.
Bridget (as Coach)
Well, so here’s a question. I wonder if we could find Archibald at the grocery store, in the frozen appetizer section, before the party.
Bridget
I would love to Stumble Into Adventure and find a particular character by rolling Heart.
Kyle
Okay. Before we do that, though, we’re gonna go to the grocery store.
Bridget
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Kyle
You will be in the grocery store one way or another. So, we’re gonna flash over to the grocery store, Out of Thyme. It’s just a grocery store, it’s usually out of stock of things, but there’s a really cool smoothie bar. Just don’t talk to Steve who works there. He’s a nice guy, he’s just a little awkward.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I love Steve.
Hannah
I’m gonna talk to Steve!
Morgan
I’m gonna talk to Steve.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
I will say, he’s a cutie.
Morgan
Uh-huh?
Kyle
And yeah, so you flash over there. Give me a roll for Stumbling Into Adventure. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I’m assuming your goal, Coach, is you are assuming you are just gonna walk through the doors and stumble into Archie.
Bridget
Yeah. I’m hoping that I walk up where the mozzarella sticks are in the frozen food section and he’s just standing there looking at them.
Kyle
Okay, and worst case scenario you get mozzarella sticks.
Bridget
That’s what I’m saying.
[Laughter.]
[Rolls.] I rolled a nat-12 and I have a +2 also.
El
[Gasps.] Oh my god.
Morgan
Oh my fucking god.
Kyle
So first, tell me what a full success gets you.
Bridget
I amble up next to Archie and he’s like “hey Coach, I caught the last big game. That was an incredible win. I’m a huge fan of yours.”
Kyle (as Archibald)
I’m a huge fan of yours, Coach. I-eth, am-eth, a hugeth fan of you, Coach.
Bridget (as Coach)
Thank you so much. Listen. I had the boys out there. They gave 110%, left it all on the field. I’m very proud of them.
Kyle (as Archibald)
110% specifically, not 1% more or less.
Bridget (as Coach)
No, no, no. It’s gotta be exactly 110%, because otherwise you’re showing off. You know? You don’t want the newspapers to write about how you kept scoring touchdowns and you’re obviously gonna win. That makes me look like a dick.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Absolutely. I know showing off. Yeah.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah, yeah.
Kyle (as Archibald)
[Scoffs.] Showoffs! We don’t like them. Right? That’s what you’re saying?
Bridget (as Coach)
I don’t. Yeah. In this specific context, I’d love to hang out with a showoff. You know?
Kyle (as Archibald)
Oh, okay. Yeah, oh yeah, cool.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah. I’d like to be buddies with a showoff.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Cool. Yeah, cool, yeah.
Bridget (as Coach)
Do you, like… Do you have any interest in hanging out with me?
Morgan
[Macho voice.] “Do you wanna hang out?”
Kyle (as Archibald)
Well, like, uh… I mean, yes, man!
Kyle
And he kinda looks left, and looks right.
Bridget (as Coach)
What are you trying to find? I’m pretty familiar with this frozen food section. I could help you out.
[00:40:00]
Kyle (as Archibald)
Yeah, I mean, no… I’m familiar with it too. You know, Steveth…
Kyle
And he points to the smoothie bar.
Kyle (as Archibald)
…helped me out. But, well, I just…
Kyle
And he leans in closer.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Will you be bringing the team, or…?
Kyle
And he kinda raises his eyebrows. You can tell he’s referring to your roommates at this point.
Kyle (as Archibald)
The “team.”
Morgan
Are we here? Are we in the background?
Bridget
I made you guys wait in produce.
Morgan
That’s so fair.
Bridget
You can see it, but you’re not, like…
Hannah
I have wandered into the employee section and I’m trying to overhear any work gripes.
El
Yeah. I’m with you, second-handing, trying to get the drip-feed of information from you. If Archie looked to one side, he would see me turning out my pockets to check for contacts, but there’s just a little too much lint in there.
Morgan
Oh gross.
Bridget
We should maybe get you some ointment while we’re here.
Hannah
How much of the lint is Dave?
El
A lot.
Kyle
An alarming amount.
Morgan
He wanted to be in there.
Kyle
Drama in the back. Yeah, roll me a flat d12 for that.
Hannah
[Rolls.] Eight.
Kyle
Random work gripes.
Hannah
Yum, yum, yum.
Kyle
There’s a bunch of humans in the back and a bunch of imps which are essentially short red demons. For being demons, they are surprisingly happy with their boss.
Hannah
Crap.
Morgan
Huh, gross.
Kyle
You know, it’s things like, ah you know, I’m feeling a little sick. Well man, you really should have taken a sick day off. Yeah, but I just… I know that would put a lot of work on you guys. I love you, man.
Hannah
Oh fuck. Okay, um…
Hannah (as Korvina)
Oh! Is this a health code violation?
Hannah
I whisper into a corner, to see if maybe someone gets mad.
Kyle (as imp)
Oh shit. It is a health code violation. I should go home now.
Hannah
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Alright. Anyways. We’re gonna go back to Coach, Coach and Archibald. Archibald has just asked you, “are you bringing the team,” excited, or “the team,” and he’s not so excited about that.
Bridget
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay.
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay, Archibald. I’m having a tough time determining how derisive your tone is. Listen. Our household, we hang tight, but I will bail on my friends if you want.
[Laughter.]
If that’s what you’re asking for.
Kyle
He just gets a big smile.
Kyle (as Archibald)
You always were so insightful, Coach. I will see-ith you tonightith for the party…ith.
Bridget (as Coach)
Wow. Incredible. So that’s just me?
Kyle (as Archibald)
Just you. You can bring the team, but not “the team.”
Bridget (as Coach)
Got it.
Kyle
And his face grows deadpan.
Bridget
Uh-huh. Okay, so I’m gonna grab Scooter and pop into the back to regroup.
El (as Scooter)
Who is this?! Oh…
Bridget (as Coach)
Hey. It’s me, it’s Coach. It’s Coach.
[Laughter.]
El (as Scooter)
Oh, hi Coach.
Kyle
Scooter, in the back you see just a bunch of workers wearing overalls and red shirts. You cannot tell that these are imps. You think they just have a strict Mario Brothers style dress code.
Bridget
For sure.
El
I do an awkward little wave at them. Thumbs up. Turn to Coach.
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay team, here’s what I’ve learned. Archibald thinks you guys are fucking weird.
El (as Scooter)
What? Us? Weird?
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
El (as Scooter)
There’s a smear of Dave on my cheek.
[Laughter.]
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay. Archibald thinks you guys are fucking weird. He has invited me to the party.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. Drama.
El (as Scooter)
And you said no out of solidarity to your friends…?
Bridget (as Coach)
No. Listen. Just give me a second. Give me a second, give me a second.
El (as Scooter)
Okay.
Bridget (as Coach)
Me, invited. The football team, also invited.
El (as Scooter)
Interesting.
Bridget (as Coach)
What if we got you guys some football team costumes?
El (as Scooter)
[Gasps.] A disguise?!
Bridget (as Coach)
Mm-hmm.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay, so I’ve gotta be honest with you. I seem to have an inability to disguise myself.
[laughter.]
El (as Scooter)
What? You? But you blend in so easily.
Hannah
You can see I’m perfectly, like… this is a choice. My posture is just HUNCHED. My little hands are up by my face.
El
I will say, I also have an inability to perform in any way.
Bridget
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Hannah
Oh geez.
El
Well, listen, I’m just repeating some things I’ve been told.
Bridget
Yeah… rough stuff.
Bridget (as Coach)
Okay. Plan B: We gotta figure out how to sneak you in through a cellar of some kind.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. Yes.
El
But don’t we still need to receive an invitation for the feeding to work?
Kyle
Yeah, you do have to be willingly let in. A disguise would work because, even though they wouldn’t be letting “you…”
Bridget
Right.
Kyle
They wouldn’t be knowing it was you. it would still be like, you would have someone be like, “oh yeah, I see, you can come in.” So you don’t need a formal invite, but you do need someone acknowledging that you have entered the premises and being okay with that.
Bridget
Okay, okay, okay.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I have an idea. Do we know if Steve’s been invited to the party?
[00:45:00]
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Is Steve invited?
El (as Scooter)
Who’s Steve again?
Hannah (as Korvina)
I think it’s time to find out.
Several
The smoothie guy!
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Because he’s so smooth. He must be invited.
El (as Scooter)
I mean, he is a cutie.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yes.
El (as Scooter)
I bet he gets invited to all the parties.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Maybe a troubled cutie.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Can I… Can I go talk to Steve?
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah. I’m gonna stay back here because I did not let Steve be on the football team. He’s not a big Coach guy.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. I’m going with Jeremy in case he sees you so that then I can… [Makes “yum-yum” type sounds.]
Bridget (as Coach)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, I’ll go say hi to Steve. Did everyone in the neighborhood get invited except us?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Seems like it.
El (as Scooter)
What did we do?!
Hannah (as Korvina)
Well, okay, again—
Kyle
I’m pretty sure everyone in the neighborhood got invited except for you and the lady who lives in the junkyard, the literal junkyard. You’re the only two people who weren’t invited.
El
[Delighted.] Oh my god.
El (as Scooter)
I’ve gotta participate in more community events.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
What are community events?
El (as Scooter)
Okay, let’s talk to Steve.
Morgan
I kinda noodle up to Steve.
Kyle
Alright. Steve’s at the smoothie bar. Again, he’s just a nice guy in the apron and the thing. I gotta remember his voice because Steve is an actual character who wasn’t supposed to be a character.
Morgan
[Smiling.] yes! I was hoping.
Kyle
Let me figure this out.
Kyle (as Steve)
Oh… hello there. Do you want a smoothie?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yeah, Steve, I would love a smoothie. Do you know what else I would love?
Kyle (as Steve)
A second smoothie?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
A second smoothie. Um… you know how much I love “love.”
Kyle (as Steve)
Sure?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Well, I want to know if you’ve been invited to Archibald’s party. Have you been invited?
Kyle (as Steve)
Archibald? Oh. Well, I think I saw a message on The Facebook…
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yeah! Yeah.
Kyle (as Steve)
…although I don’t check it often.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have your phone with you? Or, what do you call it… the thing that’s bigger than a phone.
El
iPad?
Hannah
iPad tablet to take photos of your little family.
Morgan
Yeah, something like that.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Can I see that invite? Because I actually left my phone at home and I forgot the address.
Kyle (as Steve)
Oh… yes. You can take a look at the little tablet for ordering smoothies.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh great, yeah.
Kyle
He points to a tablet. It’s the worst of both worlds. He has a tablet, but it’s one of those ones that’s small enough that it’s basically a phone, so why would you get a tablet that size.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
Kyle, I want to ask you. I have I Was Here the Entire Time. There is an advanced alternative where you can appear anywhere that the party currently can recognize via sight, sound or other senses. So, I’m physically looking at the invitation.
Kyle
So, in order to use an advanced version of a move, you have to spend 2 AP.
Morgan
Oh. I only have 1 AP.
El
I can’t believe you tried to use elite strats.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
El
That’s so not fair.
Kyle
I’m so sorry.
Morgan
I wanted to try to put my name into the invite.
El
Ooh!
Kyle
That being said, you could always change Steve’s account to have your name instead.
El
Oh…
Morgan
I’m gonna do that.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Roll Stealth to try to change the information. Are you just gonna put yourself there or are you gonna make an account for the rest of you?
Morgan
Oh my god, a shared Facebook account? That’s so terrible. That’s exactly the sort of person who wouldn’t be invited to a party.
Kyle
#TheDen.
Morgan
Yes!
Hannah
[Laughing.] The Den.
Bridget
I’m gonna just pop open the door to the back a little bit and whisper-scream to y’all. Jeremy is already covered because we can put Jeremy in a football uniform, so maybe someone else’s name should be on it.
Hannah
Maybe Korvina and Scooter have a shared Facebook account, because we’re gonna pretend we’re gonna start a podcast about fun facts and drama.
El
Yeah. We’ve definitely talked about it like 30 times at this point.
Hannah
Drama in History.
Bridget
First name, Korvina&Scooter?
El
Scorvina?
Kyle
[Laughs.] Scorvina!
Hannah
What about Kor… [Giggles.]
El
No, Hannah!
Bridget
Would you guys say that you’re of a size that we could put you in a trench coat?
Kyle
I feel like we’re getting back to disguising again, though. Disguising and performance.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I have to be clear…
Bridget
Yeah. Yeah. So sorry. I’m so sorry.
Hannah (as Korvina)
…I will always look like this.
Bridget
I’m so sorry.
Morgan
If anyone, I’d put Korvina, because she can’t be anyone else other than herself.
El
That’s beautiful.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I think so.
Kyle
Alright, roll me a Sneak. I will give you a +1 which means add one additional, so your roll plus your Slick modifier +1, because you are only putting in one person and also Steve is distracted with the smoothies.
Morgan
Okay. Now, I have Roll With Weird.
[00:50:00]
In addition to regular four stats, you gain the additional stat Weird which has the value of +3. You can roll a basic move at any point using the stat Weird. However, unless you are inside of or directly interacting with something from The Other, all full successes become mixed successes unless it’s a critical success.
Kyle
How are you sneakily changing a Facebook profile as weird as possible?
Hannah
It’s a weird thing to do.
Morgan
I’m using my ghost friend David to do it through me. You know how ghosts can be in the machine?
Kyle (as David)
Hey guys, it’s me, David. How are you all doing?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Hey David~
Kyle (as David)
Hey.
Bridget (as Coach)
Hey. We got some of you over here also, actually.
El (as Scooter)
Oh, yeah, sorry David. Hi! Um… spilled ya.
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as David)
You know, that’s whatever. I’m cool with that.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah, Scooter’s got David eyes today. No context, all David.
Kyle (as David)
Okay, cool.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, my worst nightmare. Sorry, continue with your conversation.
Kyle (as David)
No offense taken. Alright.
Hannah (as Korvina)
What a good guy.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yeah, David’s a good guy. I keep telling you guys this.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Now put him in the iPad.
Bridget
From eyeballs to iPad.
Kyle
You just take some of the dust and wipe it off on the iPad.
Morgan
[Laughs.] Yeah, I do that.
El
Put him into the charging port?
Morgan
I take some, like… a particularly clumpy bit that’s on my sweater and I just kinda Simba smear it.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
Perfect. Yeah, give me a roll.
Morgan
[Rolls.] Whoa!
El
Oh my god!
Morgan
That’s two sixes. Every GM’s favorite roll.
Kyle
So, because it is a critical success and not a full success, it doesn’t count as a mixed success. It counts as a full success.
Morgan
Unreal.
Kyle
You successfully sneak and no one is the wiser. But, you also get one of those big perks. You can gain an AP. You can have something else phenomenal happen. Basically just another really good thing happens as a result of you sneaking so dang good, slash as a result of you putting David the ghost in the machine.
Morgan
I think I’ll take that extra AP.
Hannah
Okay, but what if you get Scooter in?
El
Or you get him to hack The Facebook to find out who blocked Korvina.
Bridget
[Gasps.]
Hannah
Oh my god. Yeah. How much does Jeremy care about me?
El
[Chuckles.] Yeah, who does Jeremy care about more?
Hannah
Does Jeremy care-a-me?
Morgan
Does Jeremy care-a-me? No… maybe not.
El
[Laughs.] No!
Morgan
I do want to find out, yeah, who’s blocking us, and mostly Korvina, because I think that’s incredibly funny.
Hannah
Korvina has definitely been using all of your accounts. I think that’s why the whole house got blocked.
El
Messaging people as us to be like, hey, you know our connection. Would you like to share any gossip with me?
Hannah
Yes, exactly that.
Bridget
I gotta get someone to teach me how to set up two-factor authentication.
Morgan
I think it’s important for Jeremy that Korvina get as much drama as possible because, love triangles being part of drama, I’m getting that bottom feeder, like…
Hannah
It’s like I’m vegetarian and you’re vegan, so we have to find…
El
There’s a lot of overlap.
Morgan
Or like, you can cook and I can’t, so I let you cook for me.
Hannah
[Laughs.] Thank you. Yeah.
Morgan
Which is a true thing about Morgan. Yeah, so who’s blocking?
Kyle
Yeah, so David goes in. He does. He fixes all of the stuff. He changes the account so that it is Korvina.
Hannah (as Korvina)
[Sinister chuckles.] She’s bac.
Kyle
David comes out and he says:
Kyle (as David)
Alright. I changed everything. I also put up a bit of a blocker because, as soon as I changed the account, I don't know why, but someone named Snuggie Jones tried to block me immediately.
Hannah (as Korvina)
[Dramatic gasp.]
Morgan
You don’t know this. I know this.
Hannah
[Pinched.] Okay…
[laughter.]
Kyle
Alright. So yeah, that’s the information you get before David disappears back into his ashes.
Morgan
Snuggie Jones… Snuggie Jones.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Well, I got Korvina on the invite. I learned absolutely nothing, though.
Kyle
[Laughs.]
Bridget (as Coach)
[Hushed.] Hey guys, is Steve gone?
Hannah (as Korvina)
It looks like he’s dealing with another customer now, so I think you can slip on out of the back.
Bridget (as Coach)
Cool. Those weird little guys back there were kind of stressing me out.
El (as Scooter)
The Marios?
Bridget (as Coach)
I was trying to—Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the little overalls. I was trying to explain to them how you play a zone defense and they were like what would we possibly be defending against.
Hannah (as Korvina)
You defend the produce against, uh… thieves.
El (as Scooter)
I might duck my head back in there and ask if I can be one of their plus-ones or something, because I think two of you have invites.
Hannah (as Korvina)
You think the imps are invited? Oh god, we’re the lowest of the low.
El (as Scooter)
Well, that’s pretty rude to the imps.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Yes.
[laughter.]
It is, isn’t it?
[00:55:00]
Bridget (as Coach)
I’m beginning to see why you got blocked from this Facebook group.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Because I live for the drama?!
Bridget (as Coach)
Because you’re mean.
El (as Scooter)
I will say… we’re all creatures who can’t access mirrors, but I do think it’s important to self-reflect from time to time.
Bridget (as Coach)
Wow, wow, wow.
Hannah (as Korvina)
How do I look?
El (as Scooter)
Gorgeous as always, but I’m gonna go talk to an imp.
Kyle
Okay.
Hannah (as Korvina)
If the person who currently can’t see told me I’m gorgeous, what does that…?
[Laughter.]
Kyle
You go back to the imps. What are you gonna do? They’re just working.
El (as Scooter)
Ahem… Greetings, gentlemen… and people, imps, Marios.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Well that’s racist.
El
What?! Is it?
Hannah
[Giggling.] I don't know.
El
Are you here?
Bridget
Not off to a great start.
Kyle
None of them respond. They’re just doing their job. But the, from the corner, you hear a voice say:
Kyle (as voice)
[Smooth.] Well hey there.
El (as Scooter)
Oh?
El
I turn around.
[Sexy music begins.]
Kyle
You see an imp who’s tall and lanky, and by that I mean he’s like an inch taller than the rest.
Bridget
And you’re just seeing the outline of this figure, right?
El
Yeah, sort of a Luigi-sized one.
Kyle
Yeah, he’s got Luigi vibes. Exactly.
Kyle (as slightly taller imp)
How are you doing today?
El (as Scooter)
Um… you know, been better. Can’t see. But I just wanted to come back here and say thank you, you all, for doing a fantastic job keeping the stocks… the shelves stocked, and just to say hi and know if you’re doing anything later.
[Laughter.]
Kyle
He raises his eyebrow. You wouldn’t notice, but it’s important that I say it. The vague figure just stands there motionless to you.
[Laughter.]
Bridget
You can kinda hear the eyebrow raise in his voice.
Kyle (as slightly taller imp)
Well, it’s not “what” Imp Scratch is doing later, it’s who.
El (as Scooter)
Oh… Oh, Imp Scratch? Is that your name? I’m Scooter.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Well hello there, Scooter. (says Scooter with a vaguely French inflection}
El (as Scooter)
Oh…
El
He’s gonna like tuck a strand of hair behind his ear.
El (as Scooter)
Well, oh, sorry… Ahem. If you’re busy… I guess doing someone later, I can leave.
El
I’m sweating, and there’s little rivulets of ash slurry.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Ash and sweat. Reminds me of my hellish origins.
El (as Scooter)
Oh! I’m actually really interested in learning about hellish origins, if you’d ever want to, like, do maybe an interview… an informational interview, if you’d ever want to go out for coffee. I don't know. I heard there was a party later. Maybe we could just, like, um… if you, ugh, could take me to that, or coffee… no, never mind, I’ll go.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
Jeremy is nowhere near this, but he’s getting a little Spidey tingle.
Bridget
He feels a disturbance in the Force.
Morgan
Yeah.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I smell one quarter of a love triangle happening.
El
[Laughs.] A quarter?
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
What are you running away for so fast there, bud? I don’t see anyone play hard-to-get with Imp Scratch.
El (as Scooter)
Oh… well, um, sorry? I, um… so yeah, I am hard to get. I’ve been told I’m inscrutable.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Inscrutable?
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, just a real, uh… weird guy.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Well, I’ve been told I’m imp-scrutable.
Bridget
Imp-screwable.
El (as Scooter)
That’s, um…
[Laughter.]
Kyle
There we go. That is inscrutable or imp-screwable.
El (as Scooter)
Oh wow. The combination of wordplay and the suggestion that you have secrets is really working on me right now. So, um… listen. I’m about to faint maybe in a minute or two, so could I just get a ye or ne on maybe if you’d want to meet out front, like, maybe Archibald’s party later? If you were invited. I assume you were because you seem very confident… and like you have friends.
[Music swells before ending abruptly.]
Bridget
My favorite part is when Kyle pauses to laugh and then we’re all just staring at him.
Kyle
It’s just… I don't know! There are times when you’re like “how do I respond to this.”
Bridget
Uh-huh?
Kyle
And Imp Scratch, in his deep sexy voice, says the sexiest syllable in the English language.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Sure.
El (as Scooter)
Oh my god. Okay, thank you. I’m shocked that worked. Um… I’ll see you later! I’ll bring, like… maybe I can interview you for like a post on my blog.
[01:00:00]
No, I’m gonna stop while I’m ahead. I’m gonna go. I’ll see you later, but maybe I’ll interview you for my blog or something. Bye!
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Oh yeah, interview.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, if you ever wanted to do an interview with a vampire.
[Laughter.]
Hannah
Oh my god! No, no, no!
Bridget
Ugh!
Kyle
Alright. Do we want to fast-forward to the party?
Several
Yes.
Morgan
Am I wearing a football uniform?
Hannah
Oh my god. Do we all get to describe our outfit?
Morgan
Oh wait. Before we leave the grocery store, can I get a big bag of popcorn or something? Because I’m trying to show up to the party with something.
Kyle
Yeah. Absolutely. You got that popcorn.
Morgan
Cool.
Hannah
I would like to show up with something that I know someone else brought. So, if I have a lead on maybe what type of pie or something similar someone else would have brought, I would like to have the exact same one.
Kyle
Okay… you brought popcorn.
[Laughter.]
Hannah
Crap.
Bridget
I’m wearing the same outfit, but I polished my whistle, and I mean that literally.
El
When I’m getting ready, can I just try and feel the bathroom counter for my contact?
Kyle
Sure. Give me a roll. You are gonna roll with disadvantage. What that means is you roll three dice and you take the results of the bottom two.
El
Alright. Come on, contact.
[Rolls.] The bottom two are 1 and 4, so that is a 5 plus 2 if it’s still the same roll.
Kyle
Okay. Your question is where are my contacts, right?
El
Yeah.
Kyle
So, you do find both of your contacts. The thing you fail to understand, though, is that they also got some David on them.
El
Ugh…! So I put them in, but there’s just a bleary speckly quality to my vision, and my eyes are still very irritated.
Hannah
An Instagram filter.
Bridget
You’re doing irreparable scratching to your cornea.
El
Yeah. Thank god I’m a vampire. Maybe that will heal?
Bridget
Oh yeah, maybe.
Morgan
David is gonna forever be a floater in your eyeball.
Hannah
Wow.
El
I’m gonna see the world through David’s eyes.
Hannah
Oh my god!
Morgan
Beautiful.
Kyle
I’m very excited for somehow accidentally David, Scooter and Imp Scratch to end up in a healthy polyamorous relationship.
[Laughter.]
El
Your worst nightmare.
Hannah
Ruining Jeremy’s life.
Bridget
While we’re getting ready to go out, now that I’ve polished my whistle…
Bridget (as Coach)
I don't know if you guys know this, because I’m always going off on a side adventure, but I’m an excellent flamenco dancer.
Hannah (as Korvina)
What? Whoa.
El (as Scooter)
Oh! Wow. I did not know that.
Bridget (as Coach)
So, I just want to mention that. It might be helpful later.
El (as Scooter)
You know what? That makes sense. They say that football players should learn how to dance.
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
El (as Scooter)
It’s normally ballet, but I guess flamenco is like…
Morgan (as Jeremy)
A lot more pizzazz.
El (as Scooter)
The different rhythm is gonna really throw a curveball to the other teams.
Bridget (as Coach)
Those who can’t do, coach, so I don’t really have ballet in me in the same way I don’t really have the football skills.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Do you have castanets?
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
You gonna bring them to the party?
Bridget (as Coach)
They’re in my fanny pack.
El
Great. We’ve got two bags of popcorn and a pair of castanets. We’re ready to really be—
Bridget (as Coach)
In a fanny pack. I have a fanny pack.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah, in a fanny pack. We’re ready to be the life of the party. The unlife of the party.
Several
Eyy!
Morgan
I bring the entire eight season of The Vampire Diaries DVD box set in case anyone wants to watch it with me.
Hannah
Great.
El
Okay. I think we’re ready.
Kyle
So you all roll up to the party.
Morgan
Looking amazing.
Kyle
And the first thing you see, just a flame appears leaning next to, like… It’s an old house, so it’s a staircase with an iron fence on the sides instead of a white picket fence. It’s got the barbs on the top and then there’s a big gate. So, you’re in front of the big gate, and with a flame Imp Scratch appears.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Well hey there, party people.
El (as Scooter)
[Nervous.] Oh hi.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Hello!
El (as Scooter)
I can see you a little bit better. You’re looking great. You’re looking great. Very on fire.
Hannah (as Korvina)
[Makes slurping sounds.]
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Thank you. I’m glad I’m not the only one who knows how to… play with words.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Ooh!
Morgan
Yeah, I’m grossed out.
Hannah
Korvina spits on the ground.
[Laughter.]
El
I open the popcorn bag and I offer it to him.
El (as Scooter)
I brought snacks.
Kyle
Is the popcorn popped or is it just an empty popcorn—is it just kernels?
El
[Laughs.] It’s kernels. I hold it up to the fire.
Kyle
He flicks his thumb. A couple of things pop out, and he seductively chews them.
Alright. You all walk up. You get to the gate. At the gate, you see… we’ll just have Archibald be there. Archibald is there and he’s like:
[01:05:00]
Kyle (as Archibald)
Well heyith there, Coachith. And you’ve broughtith your team!
Bridget (as Coach)
Yeah. Some of the guys are a little bit hungover from yesterday, but I did bring the star quarterback.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Hey! It’s me.
Bridget (as Coach)
Biff.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Biff.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Oh yes, Biff. I knowith him well.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I have this DVD box set. It’s been getting me through some really hard times. … But hey! I’m psyched for this party!
Kyle (as Archibald)
Excited for the party? And for the gift of the DVD (pronounced Day Fau Day). How excitingith is that.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Excuse me. What?
Kyle (as Archibald)
The DVD, the entertainment.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh yes, DVD. Sorry, I thought… yep, mm-hmm.
El
So DVD exchanging hands or are you keeping it?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh, I was just gonna take it inside. Like, I can, you know, put it on the table for you.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Oh yes. Uh, let’s, uh…
Morgan (as Jeremy)
I could pop it into the VCR.
Bridget (as Coach)
You’re gonna put a DVD in the VCR?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Isn’t that how it works?
Bridget (as Coach)
This is classic Biff.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Ah, yeah. Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
Bridget (as Coach)
Biff can do one thing and it’s play football.
Kyle
You can see Archibald is a little nervous.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Ha-ha, yes, classic Biff, which I would know soeth well. Come on in, Biff and Coach.
Bridget (as Coach)
Thanks, buddy. We’ll see you in there.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Ah, and Imp Scratch, the coolest imp.
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
Ah yes, I am the coolest imp indeed. How goes it, Archibald?
Kyle (as Archibald)
[Chuckles.] Oh, well, it goes much better now that you’re here, Imp Scratch. And you’re with, uh… Scooter?
El (as Scooter)
Yeah. Hi, it’s me. I’m a +1, if that’s okay. It would be pretty weird for you to turn me away in front of my date, so you know, I’m kind of relying on societal conventions right now.
Kyle (as Archibald)
It would be weird to do that in front of Imp Scratch indeed.
El (as Scooter)
Yeah.
Kyle (as Archibald)
[Weakly.] Welcome to the party, Scooter.
El
[laughs.]
Kyle
Alright. Everybody has made it in, and then you come up, Korvina.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Hello, Archibald. … I said hello, Archibald.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Block.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. Okay. You can’t do that. You can’t do that, actually, because that’s not how it works in real life.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Blockith. You have been blockithed.
Hannah (as Korvina)
No I haven’t. Look at the Facebook group.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Why would I look at the Facebook group?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Look at the Facebook group. Because I’m in it! … I’m in it.
Kyle (as Archibald)
[Scoffs.] You’re in it? What complete utter rub—
Hannah (as Korvina)
[Giggles.]
Kyle (as Archibald)
… Welcome to the party.
Hannah (as Korvina)
YES! Oh, okay, so now that I’m here…
Morgan
Rules! Rules! Rules!
Hannah
I love rules.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Archibald, now that I’m here and we’re best friends, can I ask you something?
Kyle (as Archibald)
What?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Are you single? It’s not for me.
Kyle (as Archibald)
It’s complicated.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Perfect! Okay!
Kyle (as Archibald)
Anybody who is anybodyith at this party would knowith that.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Um, I uh… I heard that it’s also complicated with, uh, Snuggie.
Kyle
I completely forgot I gave you this motivation.
[Laughter.]
Hannah
I didn’t!
Kyle (as Archibald)
With Snuggieth Joneth?
Hannah (as Korvina)
Mm-hmm! So, I was talking to her this morning and she was saying that, um, she’s kind of a freak in the sack and she’s looking for a new venture. Not my type, so I’m sure it’s yours.
Kyle
[Exasperated.] Roll me Convince Somebody.
Hannah
One of my skills is Manipulation.
Morgan & El
Oh my god.
Kyle
Alright, so you’re gonna roll with advantage. You’re gonna roll 3d6. I’m trying to figure out how you’re trying to convince him. Are you more deceptive? Are you appealing to his heart?
Hannah
Hmm… Okay. I’m trying to… I’m lying about her saying she was a freak in the sack, but I was also reading him that it would be something he would go for.
Kyle
Yeah… Slick or Heart, whichever stat you prefer.
Hannah
I’m gonna do the one that’s more.
[Rolls.] Six plus 5 plus 2.
Kyle
Okay. You get the results of the top two, 6 + 5.
Hannah
[Korvina voice.] Lucky 13. God, I’m good at parties!
Kyle (as Archibald)
A freakith in the sackith, you say?
Hannah (as Korvina)
[Giggles.] I said almost that.
Kyle (as Archibald)
Archibald wants to know more.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Yes. Seek her out. See what she’s down for. I hear it’s a lot.
Kyle (as Archibald)
I certainly will do that. Enjoy the party.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I will. Thank you, Archie. Goodbye!
Kyle
So, you have all made it into the party.
El
Yes!
Hannah
Korvina picks up someone’s drink, like from right inside, and just downs the whole thing.
Kyle
Looks so cool. You are owning this party. Literally, Archibald is very distracted now.
Hannah
[Laughs.]
Kyle
Okay. So what… what are you all doing?
[01:10:00]
Bridget
I have clipped my clipboard to the band of my fanny pack with a karabiner, and I got out my castanets, and I’m just holding them at the ready for someone that will go really hard at flamenco dancing with me.
El
[Into their hands, delighted.] With you!
Bridget
Yeah.
Hannah
Wow, that’s so beautiful, but the fact that no one has yet is kind of really getting Korvina into the party spirit.
Morgan
Mm-hmm. My eyes are peeled for anyone who might join you. I’m not gonna.
Hannah
[Laughs.]
Bridget
Yeah.
El
I’m probably mostly right now asking Imp Scratch about his hellish origins, just trying to get fun facts about what it’s like to be an imp.
Kyle
He is answering your fun facts. You’re getting a bunch of neat trivia. But also, infuriatingly enough, he keeps going:
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
But tell Imp Scratch a bit more about you.
El (as Scooter)
Oh um, well I, uh… I’m honestly just pretty regular. I wear contacts mostly, but recent events have made me think maybe I’ll switch to glasses. But then, like, I’ve been told I have nice eyes when they’re not irritated, so maybe those will block them, but… that’s kinda my whole deal. I don't know. I live with some roommates.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
I mean, when your eyes are irritated, I believe they have a hellishly wonderful red glow to them.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Mmm.
Kyle (as Imp Scratch)
And the ashen complexion that was added to your eyes is so fascinating.
El (as Scooter)
Oh, um, I mean… glad to hear it. It’s sort of been, uh, I haven’t been able to get it out all day, so maybe it’s forever.
Bridget
[laughs.]
El (as Scooter)
Yeah. Tell me more about… So, hell glows. Is it a fire situation? Is it radiation?
Kyle
[Smiling.] Alright, so that’s happening. Korvina’s being a party champion. Coach is just ready to go. What is Jeremy up to?
Morgan
I’m trying to push people into love triangles, I think.
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’ve got a lead for you… Biff!
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh? I almost forgot my name was Biff. Yes, I’m Biff. Hello.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. So, I got Archibald on the hunt for Snuggie, and Archibald said it was “complicated” to whatever he was working with before.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh… Ooh, okay, this is juicy.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Mm-hmm! I think so too. It seems like a heart might break tonight.
Morgan
I’m finishing like a little mocha latte, and I’m just…
Hannah
[Laughs.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
So, I have information for you.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay! I love that. Scooter would be so jealous. Give it to me.
Morgan
[Slurps the remainder of their drink through a straw.]
Morgan (as Jeremy)
So uh, you know… and this is very filling for me…
Hannah (as Korvina)
What?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Do you know who blocked you?
Hannah (as Korvina)
No, but I do know that my good friend Snuggie helped me get into this party, and I helped her get a date, and otherwise I don’t really have a lot of information on the machinations.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
So… I think Snuggie used you.
Hannah (as Korvina)
What?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
She blocked you. [Casually slurps.]
Hannah (as Korvina)
Snuggie? Blocked Korvina?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yes.
Bridget (as Coach)
Listen. Let’s try to see the bright side of this. Okay?
Hannah (as Korvina)
[Uneasy.] Okay…?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
110% of the bright side.
Bridget (as Coach)
Listen, listen, listen. Snuggie trusted no one more than you to be able to get yourself into this party and get her a date.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Okay. Wait a minute. It’s kind of all lining up now. Snuggie forcibly ousted me so that I would come to her with a favor?
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Sounds like it.
Bridget (as Coach)
Mm-hmm. Because you are the only person that Snuggie believed could help her out.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
How much do you love slash hate her right now?
[Laughter.]
Hannah (as Korvina)
I’m feeling like pretty maximum of both.
Bridget (as Coach)
Wow.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Oh yeah…
Bridget (as Coach)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[laughter.]
Hannah (as Korvina)
Jeremy, take that into the back.
Hannah
Okay. Can I investigate for Snuggie?
Morgan
Oh, like see if she’s at the party?
Hannah
Can I see if Snuggie is here? Can Korvina find Snuggie, please?
Kyle
I don’t want to make this go on too long, so I think we need to start moving to a climactic scene. So…
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Korvina~! My good friend!
Morgan
Oh-ho-ho.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
It is so great to see you, and… “the team.”
Kyle
And she motions to the rest… I don't know if Scooter is by everyone else.
El
Yeah, I’m probably right by.
Morgan
Is Archie here too?
Kyle
She motions to everybody else.
Hannah
Korvina turns around so slowly…
Hannah (as Korvina)
Snuggie… So, I hear someone’s been clicking her little fingers! Are you the moderator of a certain neighborhood Facebook group?
Kyle (as Snuggie)
And here I thought you were going to be talking about the castanets!
[01:15:00]
You know, I put 110% into them. Not that it matters anymore.
Bridget
Coach is doing the full flourish with the castanets, just gesticulating expertly, much better than I just did for this group. Really nailing it. Also, the clipboard is sort of slapping against his leg, providing an additional element of tempo.
Hannah
Almost a third castanet. Absolutely.
Bridget
Exactly. Exactly.
Kyle
Without being able to help herself, she does some of them back just to punctuate her anger.
Bridget
Mm-hmm.
Kyle (as Snuggie)
I didn’t expect my good friend Korvina to come here with such accusations!
Hannah (as Korvina)
Well, your good friend Korvina has a way of getting herself into any situation she wants, including a Facebook group of which the original account had been BLOCKED, and which I was able to see the moderator list.
Morgan (as Jeremy)
That was me. I did that.
Hannah (as Korvina)
Everything I have given you, I can take it away. V, Coops, get over here! She’s trying to sleep with your man!
[Laughter.]
Morgan
I am so fed. I am so fed right now. I think I win this game.
Kyle
You can give me a roll for that. You can also give me 2 AP and I will just have them appear.
Hannah
I have no AP, so I will be rolling.
El
Wait. If this is… Does this count as a Confrontation? Like, an official one.
Morgan
Definitely.
Hannah
Right? That seems—
Kyle
Uh… it’s not Confrontation mechanics, but what are you thinking of?
El
Uh, hold on… I have the ability Just Give Me a Second to Figure it Out. If I take a little break to myself, I can enhance the result of the party’s next roll, so a failure becomes a mixed success, a mixed success becomes a success. If I’m on the sidelines trying to puzzle out what the heck is going on, because I missed the first part of this conversation…
Kyle
How does it clicking help you enhance the result?
El
Hmm. Okay. I put everything together, I’m like okay, this is exactly what happened. I realize Juggie must also be at this party and would probably not be super happy to hear that her mom is hitting on her best friend.
Hannah
Ooh!
Bridget
Ah~
Kyle
Ooh…
El
Yeah. So, I take a minute to scan the room, flag her over, and just whisper really quick.
El (as Scooter)
Hey, I’m so sorry to be the one to bring you this information, but I think there’s about to be a love quadrangle showdown that involves your mother and best friend. You might want to be there to help with that.
Kyle
Okay. Give me a roll for getting them there. I’m gonna say… let’s use your I Know Somebody. I feel like that’s probably the most appropriate one.
Hannah
Ooh! Okay. So, if I roll…
[Laughs.] Sorry, I’m reading the thing. I’ll read it out loud. You can claim to know somebody or have an item stashed away that would be useful to you during a scene. If you do, roll 1d6 and take a result from the following pool. So, I’m gonna roll 1d6.
[Rolls.] And I got a 6. A 6: An NPC or item appears that can give you exactly what you need. Hold one full success which you can use on a future roll pertaining to the NPC or item. I’d like the full success to happen immediately.
Kyle
Okay. We’ll say that the way it is enhanced by Scooter’s actions is, not only are Coops and V there, but so is Juggie jones.
[Laughter.]
Hannah (as Korvina)
It’s all coming together!
Morgan (as Jeremy)
Yes it is.
Kyle
First you hear:
Kyle (as V)
Wait! You did what?! I was going to fix him!
Kyle
And V comes in furious. Then you just hear:
Kyle (as Coops)
I’ll fucking kill you!
Kyle
As this other person wearing fantastic jeans by the way, beautiful Levi’s, jumps in with a knife.
[Laughter.]
Kyle (as Snuggie)
Well, well now, we can all find an agreement on something.
Kyle (as Juggie)
Yes, mother, we can find an agreement… that I found the villain for my next story!
Morgan
[Gasps.] Yes!
[laughter. Ave Maria begins.]
Kyle
And the fight goes on. There is not just a love triangle, there are so many more dimensions to this love… thing. So many delicious points. Triangles upon triangles.
Morgan
I’m at a vampire Thanksgiving right now.
Hannah
Same.
Morgan
I’ve got the “-itis.” I’m just sleeping on a Black Friday, just belly full of turkey.
Bridget
I am watching everyone just fighting as hard as they can, giving it 110%...
Hannah
The ten!
Bridget
…and I’m just punctuating! As I’m feeling fed, each percentage fed more that I am is another… [Slurp sound.]
[01:20:00]
El
I’ve pulled out the little notebook that I carry and I’m just jotting down all of these facts about people’s interpersonal dynamics, and I find them so interesting.
Hannah
And I’m shouting out helpful things like:
Hannah (as Korvina)
And don’t you think she’s ugly?!
Kyle
All of you feed so well. As Morgan said, it truly was a vampire Thanksgiving…
Morgan
Wow.
Kyle
…on this, the fourth Thursday of November.
[Laughter. Music ends.]
Alright. I think that’s where we’re gonna wrap it up.
Morgan
No, no, no, no, no.
Bridget
Why don’t we throw more melees, guys?
Morgan
I feel so absolutely sated, both in character and out.
El
Yeah, same. I give Imp Scratch my number. I think that’s all we need for now.
Hannah
Yes!
Kyle
Oh yeah.
Bridget
We cut to a scene where the four of us are sitting around a table in the kitchen eating cheesecake.
[Laughter.]
El
Like the end of Golden Girls?
Bridget
Uh-huh.
Morgan
Before that, once I’m super full from the party, I go into the back room while the party continues to 3 AM and I watch my DVD box set a little. Just digesting.
El
Oh, I make an appointment with my optometrist to get glasses because I don’t want this to happen again.
Bridget
But meanwhile…
Several
[Musically.] Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again.
[Laughter.]
Morgan
Oh, you know what, David’s there. I’m not alone. David’s watching with me.
El
Yeah! And I have David eyes maybe now forever, so that’s fun.
Morgan
Yeah. Thank you, David.
El
Thank you, David.
Kyle
Love it.
El
Amazing.
Kyle
Alright. Yeah, so that was our adventure. I will hand the reins back to you.
Morgan
And this has been The Vampire Journals.
[Laughter.]
Special game episode. Do you want to kink fame or kink shame anyone?
Hannah
Fuck! Yes! Oh my god, yes!
El
For information, we do a thing at the end of normal episodes where we choose a character to kink shame, just for any sort of… It doesn’t have to necessarily be sexual, just a thing that they did where we’re not happy with them. Then, a person to kink fame which is like big ups, you go.
Hannah
[Delighted.] Big ups, you go.
El
Do you want to start, Morgan?
Morgan
No, you can start.
El
Oh! Oh, okay, I thought—
Bridget
I’m ready if you’re not.
Morgan
Okay, yeah, Bridget.
Bridget
I would like to kink shame Snuggie, specifically for trying to bang her child’s friend. I would like to kink fame Coach.
[Laughter.]
Hannah
Okay! Okay.
Bridget
For giving 110% and leaving it all out on the field.
El
I’m gonna go ahead and kink shame Scooter for that abomination of an attempt at flirting, but I will kink fame Imp Scratch for it working on him.
Kyle
Imp Scratch had to actively work to let the flirt happen.
El
I appreciate the effort.
Hannah
Scooter kept hitting the eject button.
Morgan
I’m gonna kink fame David for being such a good ghost friend in the machine, and I’m gonna kink shame David…
[Laughter.]
Bridget
A Morgan Ormond classic.
Morgan
…for just really getting his ashes up in your eyes, Scooter, which I know is my fault for putting that in the story, but listen, characters are characters.
El
Yeah, they have a life of their own.
Bridget
This may be the closest we’ll ever get to Morgan kink shaming themself, and I’m grateful for it.
Morgan
I think I’ve kink shamed myself on the podcast.
Bridget
No.
Hannah
No.
El
We can check on that.
Hannah
You always fame yourself.
Morgan
Oh, I did fame myself, yeah.
Hannah
I would like to kink shame Steve the smoothie guy for allowing customers to use work property, because they actively did smear cremated ashes into the charge port. I’d like to kink fame Kyle for making this all happen.
El
Aww. Yeah, I’ll second that.
Morgan
And setting up a vampire party for us to ruin. Kyle, do you want to kink fame or kink shame anybody?
Kyle
Yeah. Thank you all for playing. I’m going to… I’m gonna kink shame Archibald. The man just sat around waiting for things to happen. He had no initiative on his own part. He got easily convinced by Korvina. But also, I’m kink faming Korvina who came back and achieved literally every single one of her goals. You all achieved, but it was a real climb for Korvina, and it featured so much kinky stuff going on. I feel like that’s what really set it beyond.
[01:25:00]
[Laughter.]
Morgan
We did it, team, 110%.
Hannah
I have a particular set of skills.
[laughter.]
Morgan
Do we want to plug?
Bridget
Jesus Christ. Okay, I have a business called Galaxy Brain Design. When is this dropping?
Morgan
Um… what’s the Sunday three weeks from now?
Bridget
Okay, that’s after Pride then.
Kyle
Okay, so Sunday, June 26?
Morgan
Yes.
Bridget
Okay, well then, I just did a bunch of cool stuff that you missed, but I still have a website. It’s GalaxyBrainDesign.com, and the Instagram is @GalaxyBrainDesign.
El
I will plug that all of the original Vampire Diaries books are on Libby and I have been listening to them and it has been a time.
Bridget
One time.
El
Well, right now I’m on the fourth time in that I’m on the fourth book.
Bridget
Wow.
El
Yeah, there’s a lot.
Morgan
I would like to plug crossover events as a concept.
Kyle
Love them.
Morgan
I’ve got really nothing to plug except for this podcast right now.
El
Yeah, so plug successful.
Bridget
Great job listening.
Morgan
For Kyle’s Patreon people.
Kyle
I’m gonna double plug myself, if that’s okay.
Morgan
Go on! I’m gonna kink shame you for it.
Kyle
So, if you enjoyed today’s episode, we have two options for you. We have options for people who want to listen to more of it, and we have options for people who want to play more of it.
If you enjoyed the game that we played today and would like to come up with your own adventures, you can play Under the Neighborhood. It is a roleplaying game that is designed to emulate adventure kids’ cartoons such as Amphibia, Gravity Falls and The Owl House. But, as you can see, we can put all sorts of adventures in it. The basic idea is to take mundane complications but then add fantastical settings on top of them and see what fun happens. You can check out Under the Neighborhood for that.
If you enjoyed the specific world we created, if you enjoyed the imps, if you enjoyed Steve the smoothie guy…
Morgan
I did, yes.
El
Boy did I.
Kyle
If you want to learn about the woman who lives in the junkyard…
El
I very much do.
Kyle
…who is one of our show’s main characters…
[Laughter.]
…you can check out Quest Friends!, or Quest Friends! Hereafter, which is the name of our current campaign. It is a fiction story about a world where the realms of the living and the dead are only a plane ride apart. So, those are my two plugs. If you want to play, check out Under the Neighborhood. If you want to listen, check out Quest Friends! Hereafter.
[The Vampire Journals credits music plays.]
Morgan
Thank you so much for listening to The Vampire Journals. To support us, you can subscribe, share, and visit our website, JournalsPodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @JournalsPodcast.
Related Episodes
40. Little Mon, Big City (Part 3)
JAILBREAK RASPUTIN! JAILBREAK RASPUTIN! Content Notes: Comedic Vehicular Carnage Character List: doc...
39. Little Mon, Big City (Part 2)
Will Irene's Necromon be able to find Boidelrat, or will they just keep fighting everything in sight...
38. Little Mon, Big City
Boidelrat is missing! Can Irene's Necromon find her in the sprawling streets of Necropolis? Content ...