Welcome to Tsarvia! feat. Tsar Power

Kyle

In Tsarvia, the country of all tsars, Felix Yusupov recruits a cartoon cat, a Cossack, and a communist, all for one very important mission… to kill Julius Caesar, again.

This episode is brought to you in partnership with Tsar Power. Tsar Power is a Rexypod ranking podcast that ranks all the Russian rulers from Rurik to Putin to see who gets to party it out in the Kremlin and who gets shipped off to the gulag. You can find it at tsarpowerpod.weebly.com, in the description below, or by searching Tsar Power on whatever podcatcher you’re using to listen to this episode.

And now, on with the show.

[Tsar Power opening plays.]

Roberto

Zdravstvuie Tovarishi y dobro pozhalovat v (Hello comrades and welcome to) Tsar Power. I’m Roberto.

Brendan

And I’m Brendan. And… hold on a second. This is the wrong podcast.

Roberto

[Chuckles.] yep. Together we rank the Russian rulers from Rurik to Putin, which is usually Brendan’s line.

Brendan

Yeah, normally. I wasn’t expecting to have to do that line, but I have… I mean, I don't know.

Roberto

This time we’re gonna do something different on Tsar Power because we’ve got our friends from over at Quest Friends to run a roleplaying adventure for us this Halloween. Yeah, it’s gonna be a lot of fun. We’ve made some really great characters, and I think we’re gonna really enjoy doing this with Quest Friends because I really love their podcast. Take it away, guys.

Hallie

Hi. My name is Hallie, and I am just delighted to be running this game for you today. Roleplaying is literally just… you play out a story and when you want to do a thing you roll dice. Sometimes it works, and more often, like if you’re me, it doesn’t, and for some reason it’s fun.

So, we are going to be roleplaying today playing our homebrew system called Under the Neighborhood. This system emulates Saturday morning cartoons, and our particular game takes place in a world where the realm of the dead is only a plane ride away. Today specifically, we are in a country called Tsarvia where everyone, except for Rasputin, is a tsar.

We’re gonna go back around the table and have everybody introduce themselves and their characters.

Roberto

Hello. My name is Roberto, he/him pronouns, and I am playing Dostoevsky Aleksandr Mikhailovich, the intuition who takes up attention, who also has he/him pronouns, but you can call him Sasha. He is a Russian Cossack slash poet, slash gambler.

Brendan

Hi everybody. My name is Brendan, he/him, and my character, who also goes by he/him, is Georgy Nestorovich “Gosha” Bulgakov, the proficiently practiced paranormal private eye. He is a human ghost who chooses to take the form of Felix the Cat from those old 20s cartoons, wearing a trench coat and a fedora.

Tom

I am Tom, he/him, and tonight I will be playing Papa Kropotkin, a journalist who escapes. Papa Kropotkin is also a human ghost who has been morosely wandering for some time. He is a geologist by trade who took a willing post in Siberia after his fiancée abandoned him on the alter and has been instead spending time trying to write his book.

Hallie

Next thing before we play is the unique mechanic for Under the Neighborhood which is called the Slice of Life Complication. Basically, everybody thinks of some kind of mundane complication that is just ruining one of the character’s day. So for instance, one that always comes up for Quest Friends is Sparky’s coffee maker broke. We’ve had someone can never find a pen when they need one. Someone got stuck in a carwash inspired by a real-life event that happened to me. Anything like that, and it can be for any other player at the table.

Tom

I’ve got one for Sasha.

Roberto

Oh?

Tom

Sasha has not won a single game of chance involving coins or dice all day. Anything else is fine, but those specific games, everything is coming up wrong; every flip, every toss.

Roberto

Ugh! Bozhe Moy! Pochemu! (Oh my god, why!). Okay, so I have one for Gosha. Gosha misplaced his little pipe weed with catnip on the end.

Brendan

Pipe of precognition.

Roberto

[Smiling.] Pipe of precognition?

Brendan

Yeah. I can’t concentrate without that pipe, which doesn’t necessarily give him precognition, he just thinks it does.

Roberto

And it’s all catnip inside, so that’s pretty much why.

[Laughter.]

Brendan

I was also gonna do something, like, Gosha would really like to solve this mystery, but he keeps getting distracted by this ball of yarn that he’s playing with.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Excellent.

Roberto

I like that one.

Hallie

Alright. Of those three… There’s only gonna be one Slice of Life Complication in the session. Which one do we as a table want to keep?

Brendan

Personally, my ball of yarn one is more of a joke. I think Tom’s suggestion has potential to be more interesting.

Tom

I’m also quite fond of the missing pipe of catnip.

Roberto

I think I like the dice one because it would be in-character, especially at the Cossino.

[00:05:00]

Hallie

Cossino! Alright. That is what we are doing, then. The Slice of Life Complication this episode, for Sasha, is going to be that he has not won a single game of chance involving coins or dice all day. With that, we are ready to begin.

[Upbeat casino music begins.]

As Roberto said, tonight’s session will take place in the Cossino, because that’s where the Cossacks and other Tsarvians hang out. It is a pretty standard casino; big, airy, bright lights, lots of things happening. There’s a bar in the corner. You, however, Sasha and Gosha, are there for a specific reason tonight. That is because your good friend, Felix Yusupov, asked you to meet him there. As he stares at you across the table in the little corner that you have found, he goes:

Hallie (as Felix)

I need you guys to go kill Julius Caesar.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Sasha, remind me, but I think this strange man is talking to us.

Roberto (as Sasha)

The strange man is our friend. We’ve known him for a while.

Hallie (as Felix)

It’s me, Povi, your friend Povi.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Listen, man—

Hallie (as Felix)

No. I thought you were my friend. You came here to help me and you don’t even know who I am.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I know many things. Okay? I know something, and it is not true.

Hallie (as Felix)

What is not true here? Sasha, tell him. Tell him. We go way back.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha, we’ve known Povi forever. We had—

Brendan (as Gosha)

I have no memory of this.

Roberto (as Sasha)

We had vodka at his house the other day.

Hallie (as Felix)

It was my good vodka.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, if we were drinking vodka, then I definitely don’t have memory of this.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, that does explain things. It was Tsarskoye Zolotaya, you know, Tsar’s Gold vodka, it’s the good stuff.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Very well. If you say it happened, I must trust you, my friend.

Roberto (as Sasha)

So, you want us to kill Julius Caesar… again?

Hallie (as Felix)

Again. Yes. He is that annoying. The truth of the matter is…

Hallie

He nervously drums his fingers on the table and then kinda darts around.

Hallie (as Felix)

…I owe him a lot of money. He advanced me quite a bit, so I need him out of the picture, and the most efficient way to do that is through murder. But you know, if that is just too much to ask of my very good friends who drank vodka at my house, then if you just inconvenience them in a slight way, or perhaps, he has a little black book that has all my debts in it. If you could get the little black book, then I could destroy it and be in the clear. He would have no proof that I owe him money.

Roberto (as Sasha)

What if we just take the book? We don’t have to resort to murder. It’s not wartime.

Hallie (as Felix)

Well, you don’t. You don’t have to. It was more efficient. It was more efficient. I opened up with the most efficient suggestion.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Very Tsarvian of you.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, why don’t you just pay him back? I do not understand the necessity of murder in this situation.

Hallie (as Felix)

Because I do not have the money, Gosha. What do you not understand about that?

Brendan (as Gosha)

You buy the most expensive vodka and yet you do not have money to pay off your gambling debts.

Hallie (as Felix)

… Yes.

[Laughter.]

There it is. I bought the vodka, you drank the vodka, and now I don’t have money.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yes. Well, you should not have invited me over if you did not want your vodka all gone.

Hallie (as Felix)

Well, I am regretting it now.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I am sure you are.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, Bozhe Moy (oh my god), what are we doing? Gosha, let’s just help the man out. He gave us his vodka, he gave us his pickles, it’s okay. Vodka and pickles make great combination.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well enough. Fair to say I’ve killed men for less.

[laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I know I have.

Hallie (as Felix)

You see? You see? This is why I ask you. Good friends with sorted pasts. Now, I have it on good authority that Mr. Caesar is here tonight in the Cossino. He has a secret meeting. It is over on the top floor.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Over on the top floor?

Hallie (as Felix)

There are many floors of the Cossino.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Wait. How big is this Cossino anyway?

Hallie (as Felix)

Uh, many floors.

Tom

[laughs.]

Hallie (as Felix)

Twenty. Twenty floors.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, there is one thing I do not like. It is mysteries.

Brendan

And he shoves his magnifying glass in your face.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I cannot simply read how many casino floors there are in this Cossino simply by shoving my magnifying glass in your face.

Hallie (as Felix)

Then why are you doing it?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha, please stop. There’s probably a map somewhere.

Brendan (as Gosha)

No. I’m examining them. Leave me alone.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay. Have fun. You’ve examined Yusupov before. It’s okay.

Hallie (as Felix)

I do not have map, but there is map probably somewhere.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, I mean, it’s a casino.

Hallie (as Felix)

It is a casino.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Why don’t I just ask an employee over there?

Hallie (as Felix)

There has to be one somewhere. Listen, my friends. I appreciate you taking on this task for me. I will throw you a rager if you do this for me. Just a really big party. So many people. Raspy will be there.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Raspy!

Hallie (as Felix)

Raspy. Haven’t seen Raspy in years, eh?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yeah.

Hallie (as Felix)

Yeah!

Brendan (as Gosha)

My dear, wherever Georgy Nestorovich Bulgakov goes it is always a rager.

Hallie (as Felix)

That’s right, my friend. And, with no money to pay my debts, I will have more money for the vodka. Perhaps even better vodka than last time.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh…

Brendan (as Gosha)

Okay. You make a compelling point.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s a very compelling point there. I think we should walk around and see what happens and, who knows, maybe we will run into the man and…

[00:10:00]

Roberto

Sasha just kinda repositions his dagger and saber on his side, a bit closer to himself.

Roberto (as Sasha)

…maybe he will see our point of view.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, so barbaric.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Barbaric? You wound me.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Do I? No, I don’t, I just said that was barbaric.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I know! That… I’m not barbaric, I’m a poet. I’m civilized.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Poets are by far some of the least civilized people I know.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Are you still mad about that raunchy poem I made about you two years ago?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah! Because I do not see you that way. How many times do we have to go over this?

Roberto (as Sasha)

It was a joke! Please.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, I’m certain it was a joke, 100% certain. There’s no mysteries between us.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I know there’s no mysteries! It was joke. It was April Fool’s Day. Oh, Bozhe moy, pochemu u menya takoi drug?( Oh my god), Why do I have such a friend that treats me this way?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Because you need me. If it weren’t for me always spaying off your gambling debts, you would have been destitute a long time ago.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

If it weren’t for me, you would have—

Brendan (as Gosha)

You’re lucky I’m so damn good at solving mysteries and my clients pay well.

Hallie (as Felix)

I love your dynamic!

Hallie

Felix Yusupov yells from across the room. I like to imagine you’ve been walking away and having this conversation as you meander out into the main space. He’s so happy, he’s waving, he’s watching you. He’s so thankful, man.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Our impoverished friend speaks wisely.

[laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes he does. Yes he does. Ah, I think we should find a map first. What did he want us…? What did he say again? He wanted us to find his friend and get money back? I don't remember.

Brendan (as Gosha)

It was something about killing someone. I’m sure we’ll figure the rest out.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes, nothing new. It’s a daily thing.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Such is life in Tsarvia.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Such is life.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well, if there is a map around here, I use my powers of deduction to say it must be on the wall of the elevator. Unless there are no elevators in this world, in which case… the stairs. Or perhaps a ladder. Or a fireman’s pole.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

What if there’s only rope to get us up? Do you have the power to go up?

Brendan (as Gosha)

I am a cat, friend. There is nothing I cannot climb.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Good point.

Roberto

Is there a way I could do like a Perception check to see where the elevator is?

Hallie

Yeah, absolutely.

Roberto

Two d6?

Hallie

Yes. Alright, I would call this… yeah, Understand, which is Books. If you have any Books, whatever your Books stat is…

Roberto

[Chuckles.] Minus 1.

Hallie

Alright, so it’s gonna be your roll -1.

Roberto

[Rolls.] That’s an 8.

Hallie

That’s an 8. Okay, that’s a mixed success.

[Mysterious music begins.]

You don’t see any maps or anything that clearly points to a map, but you do see a man in the corner of the bar, Aragorn style, just chilling, looking mysterious, looking around. He looks like he knows things.

Roberto

I will immediately look at the man. Like, I’m staring at him. Then I go:

Roberto (as Sasha)

My good friend!

Roberto

Just super loud.

[Music changes to comic bumbling music.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

How are you doing today?! I haven’t seen you in such a long time!

Roberto

Then I will approach him, even though I do not know who this is, because I have to take up the center of attention.

Hallie

Alright Tom, this is you, so you have to respond to him.

Tom

[Smiling.] I had a feeling.

Hallie

Good.

Tom

So, I realize I neglected to describe my character’s appearance.

Hallie

That’s why I just guessed, so hopefully that was okay.

Tom

I became distracted. Papa Kropotkin is a balding man. He’s wearing that 20s newsboy cap style to hide the fact. And he has a massive bushy white beard. Dressed in a fairly smart suit but nothing too fancy, nothing that says money.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Bozhe Moy! (Oh my god!), it’s Santa Claus.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

He’ll sigh, seeing the two of you approach.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Da, that is what they all say.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I didn’t think that. I said “my old friend.”

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

No-no, I appreciate it. Have a seat, comrade.

Roberto

I will sit down, but before I sit down, I didn’t describe my character.

[Music ends.]

Tom

Oh no!

Hallie

Yeah, go ahead and describe your physical characters. I’m so sorry that I didn’t make sure that happened. Take a quick break as the party unites.

Roberto

[Laughs.] Yes. As you approach, you see this very tall Cossack man. He has this really thick fur hat on the top of his head which is really high that has the Russian double-headed eagle on it, or like the imperial sigil, and then he’s wearing a red and gold Kaftan which is like that nice long robe that they wore back in the day. It has this very nice, intricate brocade floral design on it. He has this large sash, and in the sash he has two sabers, three daggers, and then he has a whole bunch of pistols going down the side.

He sits down in front of you. He’s wearing fur boots, and you can see he has the little spiky things at the end of his boots because, you know, he’s a Cossack, he has to ride horses.

Hallie

Yeah.

Roberto

He sits down.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, my good friend, my name is Aleksandr Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, but you can call me Sasha. What is your name?

[00:15:00]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

They call me around here Papa Kropotkin. Feel free to call me Papa or Comrade Kropotkin.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay, Papa. I like Papa. Papa is shorter.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, I only call people daddy in bed, so you can forget about that.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Yes, I get that a lot as well.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Eh, you know, Papa is fine.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

So my friends, what is it that brings you to my table tonight?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, we saw you looking out at us longingly and I thought that is a kind sort of a man, a man who wants to meet with other people, make some new friends, especially in the Cossino. So, my heart yearned out to you and I thought why should I not talk to this old man, this man who has no one around him, and our eyes locked, and I thought, there, that is a sign to make a new friend today. My comrade here, Gosha, very kind cat, but sometimes he gets on my nerves.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, “I” get on “your” nerves sometimes? Okay. What about the time you borrowed my car without asking and I come back and it’s completely smashed up?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I told you, that was not my fault. That was the fault of the other Cossacks.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, the Cossacks who forced that vodka upon you, I’m sure. Completely unwillingly.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Speaking of drink, let me buy you all a round, then we will talk more. I too have been looking for friends in this place, but I know few people here. This is not a place I usually hang out.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Dah, my friend, trust is low. You always need a good friend by your side.

Roberto (as Sasha)

That is truth.

Roberto

Then, I will get up, I’ll stand on the table, and I’ll go:

Roberto (as Sasha)

Bartender! Where are you? We want drinks here!

Hallie

The bartender will just look at you from across the way and throw her hands up.

Hallie (as bartender)

“Bartender? Bartender!” Everybody wants the bartender!

Hallie

And then she’ll start getting a round of whatever it is that you want.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You’re doing great job. Thank you for your hard work. I will make a poem in your honor.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh yes, you always have time to make poems for the working class but never to give them a break.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

What? You wound me, Gosha!

Brendan (as Gosha)

You wound me. This poor lady is working so hard. For God’s sake, I will get the drinks myself. Ma’am, please do not get up.

Hallie

Uh… she’s already there, with the tray. I assume it’s vodka. She slams it down a little bit.

Hallie (as bartender)

[Forced.] That’s A’OK, comrade.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Miss, if you please, a bowl of milk for me, only. Thank you.

Hallie (as bartender)

A bowl— [Grumbles.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I will take his drink, though, so I will drink for two.

Hallie

[Laughs.] She’ll leave and she’ll return in a second with the bowl of milk.

Roberto

At this point, this time I stand up on my chair. My descriptor is takes up attention, so…

Hallie

Yeah.

Roberto

I stand up on the chair and I go:

Roberto (as Sasha)

I prepare this toast to my new friend, Papa Kropotkin. To his long health, to our friendship, to—

Roberto

And then I go into a toast for the next five minutes without actually drinking, in the classic Russian style.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Comrade, you misunderstand, this is a covert operation.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I am making new friend! Alright everyone, now, to all our health and to our friendship. Na Zdaroviye! (To health!)

Roberto

Then I’ll push down like two shots of vodka.

Hallie

Alright.

Brendan

Gosha is just lapping up the milk on the floor.

Tom

Papa will drink to this toast.

Hallie

Okay. I’m gonna have you roll me something, just for fun. Roll me… yeah, Sasha, just roll me one Slick.

Roberto

[Rolls.] That is a 9.

Hallie

Okay! Continue.

Roberto

Alright. Then I get down and I put my hand on Papa Kropotkin’s shoulder.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s very nice to make your acquaintance and your friendship. Now we are brothers.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

And now that we are brothers, perhaps we can talk business now. What is it you have come to my table looking for aid in tonight?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ah, okay.

Roberto

At this point I’ll get really quiet.

[Conspiratoria spyl music begins.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay. We need to meet with Julius Caesar. He has something of ours that we absolutely need for our friend, because our friend wants to throw a big party. Of course, if you help us, you’re invited to the rager. That is without a doubt. But you know, Julius Caesar, he’s not from Tsarvia, so we need to make sure that it gets back to the hands of us Tsarvians.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Certainly. Perhaps it is fate you have come to this table tonight. I too have business with Julius Caesar.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh… Maybe we can help each other out and make this operation go a bit better. You can call it a special operation of sorts.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Certainly, if you wish to call it that. What do you know so far?

Roberto (as Sasha)

He is in top floor of Cossino. We don’t know where elevator is, or stairs, because usually we drink and play games here and we don’t look for it. And he has small book that we need, small black book, ledger of sorts.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Using my power of deduction, he is a man of great wealth, most likely surrounded by several bodyguards, so this will require an operation of either great violence or great stealth. Perhaps both.

Roberto (as Sasha)

So, are you in or are you out?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I am in, of course. As you say, we are brothers now.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Perfect. Perfect.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

We must work together in this, and I think we have an in, potentially.

[00:20:00]

As you mentioned yourself, the working class is significant here, and that will be our easiest way to gain access to the top floor, if we have the workers’ uniforms, delivering food and drinks, that sort of thing. We can easily get to the top.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, disguises. Extremely clever, comrade. You will be a valuable partner in this mission.

[Music ends.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Make myself unknown to people? I don't know if I can handle that. I want to be big poet. People know my poems, I think.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well, my friend, there is one thing I believe in. It is not putting people in situations where they are useless. That is why you are going to be the distraction.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ah, perfect, I can do that.

Brendan (as Gosha)

When I go to the bar and order a Moloko plus (milk) from the barmaid, you will know that is the time for the distraction.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes my droog, but first, Papa Kropotkin, do you know where the elevator is?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Dah, I know where the elevator is.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, perfect. I like this. I like this already. Now, Gosha.

Hallie

As you’re conferring, before you can confer any further, you hear, from not quite across the bar because he’s making his way toward you…

Hallie (as ???)

Hey! Sasha! My good friend!

[Silly accordion music begins.]

Hallie

And you see your good friend, Alexander Pushkin, just ghost-walking across the Cossino floor.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

I knew it was you as soon as I heard the big speech and the waxing poetic. I knew that you were here. Hey!

Hallie

He comes and he claps a hand on your back.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ah, Pushkin!

Roberto

Sasha doesn’t, you know… he’s friendly with Pushkin but doesn’t actually like Pushkin because they’re both poets, and he’s like the master poet.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fair. He’s a rival.

Roberto

So I look up at him with my big Dostoevskian beard.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ah, Pushkin, pleasure to see you here. How is my mentor doing today?

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Ahhh!

Hallie

And he shakes you.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Doing good, doing good. I have had very good luck with the coins and the dice today.

[Music begins to warp.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh… really?

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Really! I cannot believe it. You must play a game with me, friend.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh… Are you sure? Ugh, okay. Can it be quick? I am conferring with some people here for business.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

You owe me several games. You owe me several games. Come on, come on!

Hallie

He’s forcing you out of the chair.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Agh!

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Let’s go play some games!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay, okay. Fine, fine, fine.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I suppose we’ll catch up to you later, suka (bitch) imperialist.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Distraught.] Have fun, Gosha. Have fun, Papa.

[Laughter.]

Roberto

As I’m dragged away by Pushkin, I just kinda mouth:

Roberto (as Sasha)

Help me. Help me. Help me!

Hallie

[laughs.] This is why I had you roll Sneak. You rolled a mixed success, so you’re still mostly under the radar, but there is one annoying person who saw you and it’s Alexander Pushkin.

[Music ends.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Using my powers of deduction, I believe our friend is in distress.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I would agree with that assessment.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Of course you would. I did it.

Roberto

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Fair point. Fair point. But now, how best to get him out of there? Or do we wish to just leave him to his fate while we investigate further?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm… Well, my friend, when you are in Rome you must do as the Romans do. I say we join him.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Very well. I suppose we can use the distraction for now.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed. Perhaps now he can pay me back for my car.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Ah, I see. You intend to fleece him while his luck is bad.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Fleece? My friend, you wound me.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Well, while you’re winning your money back, I’m going to go find us a disguise.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, capital idea, my friend. Capital idea. And I normally don’t describe capital as a good thing.

Tom

Yeah. You see a dark look passes his face for a moment, but then he’s like:

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Oh—Oh yes. Excellent. Very good.

Brendan

How does a cat walk to a gambling table?

Tom

On legs, I would imagine.

Brendan

On a catwalk, one paw in front of the other, I guess.

Hallie

Yeah. There he goes. Are you going to the same gambling table as your buddy?

Brendan

Of course.

Hallie

Alright. You guys want to do some gambling, and then Papa Kropotkin, you’re gonna go look for disguises and such.

Tom

Dah.

Hallie

Okay. We will handle the gambling table first.

[Upbeat casino music begins.]

Brendan

Yeah. Gosha quickly swaps out his fedora. You know those green visors?

Hallie

Yes! Yes, like the blackjack counter visors?

Brendan

Yeah. He sticks one of them on and rolls up his sleeves.

Brendan (as Gosha)

How are we doing, everybody? Good? Good? Excellent.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Oh, you’re here!

Hallie

Pushkin says.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed I am.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

That is, uh… that’s great.

Hallie

He kinda leans in a little bit closer to Sasha.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Sasha, Sasha, come on. Which number are you gonna bet on? It’s Craps. My voice changes every time I speak, but that’s intentional.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s the romantic in you. Of course. I think I’m gonna go with lucky number 3, like the last three times.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[00:25:00]

Brendan (as Gosha)

If there’s one thing I can expect from you, comrade, it’s consistency.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes. I’m very consistent.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, consistently a drunk.

Hallie

Alright. Gambling is not a mechanic in our Saturday morning cartoon gameplay, so I think I’m just gonna have you… yeah, make me a flat 2d6 roll, Roberto, and then I’m gonna subtract 2 because you’ve been having trouble all day.

[Music ends.]

Roberto

[Rolls.] Nine, so minus 2 is 7.

Hallie

Okay. So, it lands on the 4, which is so close to the 3 but isn’t it, chief. It’s not it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gospodi (god), not again. That’s the fifth game in a row.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Ohh! Sasha. What was that?

Roberto (as Sasha)

You know, I try so hard, but today is just not best day for me to play dice and chance.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Ah… I’ll show you how it’s done.

Hallie

And then he’s gonna bet the next round. Gosha, did you want to bet a round as well? I’m gonna have you do the same thing, roll a flat 2d6.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. Using my powers of deduction, if the previous roll landed on the 4, then it must roll on the 4 next time. I am a genius. Alright, let’s go.

[Blows heavily on the dice.] Come on… Come on.

[Rolls.] That is an 8, and it’s Opposite Day, so…

Hallie

That’s right, so any low rolls for you are good. Well, is that still a mixed success? Hang on. Let me open up my… Okay, so that is actually just a failure.

Tom

Ooh.

Brendan (as Gosha)

How could this be? I miscalculated.

Hallie

Not only does it land on the 4, it lands on the 20, the high number that Craps goes up to that I definitely know off the top of my head. Then, because it’s a failure, Pushkin laughs at you.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Ha-ha! That’s a shame. That’s a shame, Gosha.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed it is. However, lady luck, oh, she is a fickle mistress.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Fickle indeed.

Hallie

I’m gonna roll for Pushkin. I’m gonna see how well Pushkin does.

[Rolls.] Okay, well, Pushkin got a 10 because I can’t roll well unless I’m rolling for an NPC.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

So Pushkin’s like “AH,” and he got it on a 10, let’s say that. He’s got all these, uh… trubles. That’s the currency in Tsarvia, trubles. He scoops them all up.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Ah! See, it’s because you’re here next to me, buddy. Yeah!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Is this enough games? I have things to do.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Are you sure? Stay another round!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Final round, okay? Then I have to go, because I have—

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Final round. Final round!

Hallie

While you’re doing your final round, we’ll cut back to Papa Kropotkin doing his thing.

Tom

So, I imagine Papa Kropotkin has wandered off into the back areas of the casino near the kitchens and is just looking for some employees to strike up a conversation.

Hallie

Okay.

Tom

Like, smoke stoically, staring off into the distance, talking about, you know, what does life really have in store for us.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] If you’re wandering back there, you’ll see a girl in… not quite a maid’s outfit, but clearly she works here. She’s carting back a little tray of food, going into the back.

Tom

As she rounds a corner she just sees Papa Kropotkin there, mournfully smoking a cigarette. He’ll tip his head and say:

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Good evening, ma’am.

Hallie

She’ll cock her head a little bit.

[Dreamlike music begins.]

Hallie (as girl)

Do you believe in prophetic dreams?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I have heard many interesting conversation openers in my long life and death, but this one is perhaps the most interesting. No, I do not believe in prophetic dreams.

Hallie (as girl)

Well that’s a shame. I think I’ve seen you in a dream before. Did you know that dreams are the gateway to the soul?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Some say it, yes, but in my long life and death I have turned more to the path of the nihilist than the romantic.

Hallie (as girl)

Well that’s a shame, but I suppose that path is open to you as it’s available to all of us.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Why do you believe you have seen me in a dream before? Hmm?

Hallie (as girl)

Because I’ve seen you in a dream before. Sometimes things are very simple and can be explained in one sentence, just like that. Other times…

Hallie

She does a thousand-yard stare.

Hallie (as girl)

…they cannot.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Well, in this dream, did you give me one human-sized uniform for this establishment and one cat-sized uniform? Even just a little bowtie I can put around the cat’s neck, that would work as well.

Hallie

She shakes her head.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Perhaps prophecy is not everything, though. I can pay you quite a bit if you’re willing to loan us some uniforms for a little while. We have a little bit of business upstairs.

Hallie (as girl)

You think you can buy prophecy with money?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

No. I believe I can show support for a fellow worker in exchange for a little bit of support of my own. I can’t imagine Caesar is paying very good wages here.

Hallie (as girl)

Caesar? I saw him in a dream once, too. Do you believe in prophetic dreams, sir?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I believe you have already asked me this question.

Tom

Papa Kropotkin is looking around suspicious now.

Hallie (as girl)

You have not given me a satisfactory answer.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I gave you an answer. It was a no. I don’t believe in such dreams.

Hallie (as girl)

That wasn’t satisfactory.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

What if I were to say yes? What would happen then?

[00:30:00]

Hallie (as girl)

Yes, then I would probe you for all of your deepest desires, thoughts, and musings, about what a prophetic dream can mean about the human psyche.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Eh… there are better ghosts to ask about dreams.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

I am sure a quick Google Search can provide you far better celebrities to ask these questions of.

Hallie

She cocks her head a little bit.

Hallie (as girl)

At no point, sir, did I say that I would not help you. I merely wish to have an interesting conversation with someone.

Hallie

She’ll ruffle her skirt a little bit.

Hallie (as girl)

If you’ll wait right there, I’ll bring back two uniforms just as you ask.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Uh… I am suspicious of your intent, but I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth, as they say. I’ll do as you ask.

Hallie

[laughs.] She nods and leaves, and she comes back. Nothing untoward is happening. She will hand you the two uniforms.

Hallie (as girl)

What’s your name, sir?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I am called Papa Kropotkin.

Hallie (as girl)

Papa Kropotkin. My name’s Maria Kaina. You can come to me any time if you need any help, or if you’d like to discuss those dreams of mine.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Ah. I am certain to take you up on this at some point if you chance. Thank you very much.

Hallie

She nods. Instead of just walking normally away, she walks backwards for some reason. She disappears around the corner, looking at you, and then you hear her ask some other unwitting soul:

Hallie (as Maria)

Ma’am, do you believe in prophetic dreams?

[Laughter.]

Tom

But yeah, having extracted himself from conversation with Maria Kaina, Papa Kropotkin is going to covertly head back towards the Cossino floor and signal to Gosha.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. Using my powers of deduction, I think our friend is trying to get my attention.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Distraught.] My money. My poor money. I worked so hard for that money! Why do this happen to me?

Brendan (as Gosha)

What do you mean “worked hard?” Poetry is not that difficult. I can tell because you do poetry.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

No-no, thank you for playing with me. I am very happy that we could share this moment together.

Hallie

Pushkin has really made it big tonight, and he’s just racking in all the trubles.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

Thank you for giving me your luck tonight. This is for you, this is all for you. But not really, because I’m keeping it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh Pushkin, at least buy me a drink with it.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

But I mean, you made this happen.

Hallie

For me, Pushkin, whose voice has become Felix Yusupov.

Roberto

Ugh… I look at Gosha.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Let’s just go. I don’t want to deal with this right now. Why…?

Hallie

Pushkin is gonna look at Gosha, actually. He’s gonna do a ‘sup-nod, like an acknowledgement that, you know, men do.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

You gambled well, my friend’s friend.

[Laughter.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, yes. Well, I think I could use some practice, but I thank you anyway.

Hallie

He narrows his eyes because he’s not sure if “I could use some practice” was a challenge or not, and he wags a finger at you, like ‘this guy.’

Brendan (as Gosha)

I would narrow my eyes, friend, but my pupils are already pretty narrow since I am a cat.

Hallie

Eyy.

Hallie (as Pushkin)

You’re a mysterious one, I’ll give you that.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah. Well…

[Heavy sigh.] I hate mysteries.

[laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I know, I know. Okay, let’s go talk to Papa Kropotkin, please. I don’t want to deal with this right now.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Take heart, my friend. You can pay me back another time.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You’ve taken some of my money now.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yes, and then such is life, you lose money, you gain it back. The wheel of fortune, it goes up and down, and back and forth, and side to side.

Hallie

From the background, Felix Yusupov goes:

Hallie (as Felix)

The wheel of fortune goes up and down and side to side! Sometimes you have money and sometimes you have don’t!

Brendan (as Gosha)

Exactly. He agrees with me.

Roberto

Oh. I forgot to mention this earlier. Sasha has the Flexible thing. At the beginning of each adventure, he can pick a skill and I have that skill.

Hallie

Oh! Yeah-yeah, absolutely.

Roberto

Sleight of hand.

Hallie

Totally. Happy to give you that.

Roberto

I’m gonna go give Pushkin a hug, and I’m gonna sleight of hand all his gold away.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Okay!

Tom

Yes! Do it!

Hallie

So that means you’re gonna roll three dice and then you keep the top two.

Roberto

Okay…

[Rolls.] So, I got a 6, a 6, and a 3.

Tom

Critical success!

Hallie

You got two sixes! That’s a critical success! You stole all of Alexander Pushkin’s money! You stole all of his money. You just get that now, because you got a critical. Malaita! That’s what we call it. That’s what I call it, nobody else does. Malaita!

Roberto

[Laughs.] Hey! Thank god for that advantage.

Tom

And he’s none the wiser, I’m sure.

Hallie

No. he’s just saying goodbye to his good friend and mentee.

Roberto

Basically, the way I want this, I think it happens like… Gosha says you have to pay me back, and I’m like… ugh, I didn’t say goodbye to Pushkin.

[00:35:00]

Then I go to Pushkin. I hug him, steal all his money, and then come back. As we’re walking away, I’m like:

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha, extend your hand out.

Brendan (as Gosha)

What hand? This is a paw.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Extend your paw out.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I don’t feel like it.

Roberto

I show him the bag, this big bag of trubles.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Where in God’s name did you get this?

Roberto (as Sasha)

From Pushkin!

Roberto

I’m saying this very quietly.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh. Well, in that case, I will not ask too many questions. Although, I have said many times I hate mysteries.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s not a mystery. Pushkin gave it to me.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, yes, well… I for one am bad at identifying lies, so I think I’ll take your word for it.

[Laughter.]

Brendan

I forgot that was on my character sheet, and I was like oh yeah, I’m terrible at that.

Hallie

You take everything at face value like all good detectives do.

Tom

He hates mysteries.

Hallie

Yeah, he hates them.

Tom

If he believes everything, then there’s no mystery.

Hallie

That’s true.

Brendan

That’s true.

Hallie

So, you guys got all his money.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

My comrades, I hope your adventures at the gambling table were most successful.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed.

Roberto (as Sasha)

They were successful at the end.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Our friend Pushkin, he speaks in riddles, and yet he gambles like a master.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

People can deceive you like that. One day you’re thinking, ah yes, we will spend the rest of our lives together, the next, they are gone, no letter, nothing. … Anyway, don’t worry about that. I have obtained disguises.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Excellent.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

And also vodka.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

With this vodka and these disguises, we go to elevator, we bring vodka to Caesar’s room, and our good friend Sasha here, he draws everyone’s attention by trying to get in and meet Caesar.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Very well.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I can do that. Lead me to elevator.

Tom

I guess we head to the elevator. We’re just heading on up.

Hallie

Alright. You’re taking the elevator. The elevator Is not dangerous or tricky. It’s just a regular elevator.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm… this is a strange elevator. What do these buttons do?

[Laughter.]

Brendan

And I just press all the buttons. It stops at every floor.

Hallie

It takes you a really long time to get up to the 20th floor because it stops.

Brendan

After a while, Gosha is pretending to use the Force to open and close the doors of the elevator.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hey, look at me. Look at me. I’m moving it with my mind.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

That is common ghost trick. Don’t even bother trying to pretend.

Hallie

Gosha, roll me a Slick.

Brendan

[Rolls.] It would be 7 total.

Tom

I think that’s still a mixed success, on Opposite Day.

Hallie

You are correct. That is a mixed success on Opposite Day.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, mystery solved. The buttons take you to every floor.

Tom

Are we attracting more notice from doing this, per chance?

Hallie

Don’t worry about it.

[Laughter.]

Roberto

I just look at Gosha.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, Bozhe moy (Oh my god)

Roberto

At this point I just start reciting poetry while we’re waiting to go upstairs.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ya pomnyu chudnoe mgnovene: (I remember a wondrous moment:)

Peredo mnoi yavilas ty, (You appeared before me,)

Kak mimolyotnoe videne, (Like some fleeing vision,)

Kak genii chistoi krasoty. (Like a genius of pure beauty.)

Brendan (as Gosha)

Gospodi pomilui (God help me)

Hallie

At long last, after several minutes of agonizing torture, you finally reach the top floor which is, surprise, the 25th. Felix Yusupov was wrong. There were five more floors than he thought.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ugh, he lied to us!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Povi! Povi, why?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Why didn’t I see this coming?

Roberto (as Sasha)

At least we have some kompromat on him now.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed.

[Sneaky music begins.]

Hallie

So, the elevator doors open and you find yourself in… it’s not empty or dark, but it’s emptier than the main space of the Cossino that you left. It looks to be just a lot of conference rooms and that kind of thing up on this floor. At least in your immediate surroundings it is empty with only fluorescent lights lighting your way.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Look alive, my friends. Where there are conferences happening, no good can be to follow.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Dah.

Roberto (as Sasha)

What about the investigator conference you were at last week?

Brendan (as Gosha)

First off, I don’t trust anyone… except people who are talking to me.

[Laughter.]

I do trust you. Yeah. I trust you to {clown honk} things up.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

You know, fair point.

Hallie

As you make your way down the hall, you see that it branches in three different directions: straight, right, left.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. Straight, right, left. Well, my father once said, when you don’t know what to do, go left.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I will drink to that.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Is there map somewhere? Maybe fire escape plan.

Roberto

I look right next to the elevator to see if there’s a fire escape plan.

Hallie

So, you didn’t get a map, but you’ll hear…

Hallie (as Maria)

Oh, here you go.

Hallie

…and when you turn around, Maria Kaina is there, holding the map.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh my god!

Hallie (as Maria)

I’m so sorry. Did I startle you? I did that in my dream, too.

Brendan

Gosha is just on the ceiling, hanging on with his claws.

[Laughter.]

Every hair is standing on end.

Brendan (as Gosha)

In the name of God, woman, do not scare me like that.

Hallie

She looks up at you, hanging from the ceiling.

[00:40:00]

Hallie (as Maria)

You’ve attracted him, the begemot.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Bege—what?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Wait, wait, wait. What did you say?

Hallie (as Maria)

Begemot.

Hallie

Then she looks back up at Gosha.

Hallie (as Maria)

His aura is all around you, sir.

Hallie

Then she turns back to Papa Kropotkin as she hands him the map.

Hallie (as Maria)

By the way, I liked your book.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

My book has never been published. How did you learn this?

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, why are you questioning why you have a fan?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

[Grumbles.] Because it is a very uncomfortable situation.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Perhaps one of your friends managed to get ahold of the manuscript. Okay? it’s not a huge mystery.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I know you hate mysteries, but I assure you, this is a mystery.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Listen. Using my powers of deduction, there’s nothing to worry about.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I’m going to regret this immensely, but I am going to ask you now, ma’am. What do you know about this…

Tom

I’m going to butcher this word. What was that again, Hallie? Begemoth?

Hallie

Begemot.

Brendan

Begemot.

Hallie

Begemot.

Tom

Begemot.

Hallie

Oh, the T is pronounced. Begemot.

Tom

Saying it in a weirdly French way.

Hallie

[Laughs.] As I do.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

What do you know about this begemot?

Hallie (as Maria)

The begemot?

[Dreamlike music begins.]

Well… the begemot is a thing of the past.

[Awkward pause. Music ends. Laughter.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Two of the four people here are ghosts. We are all things of the past. This is nothing. You told me nothing.

Hallie (as Maria)

But the begemot is a thing of the ancient past.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

That is subjective at best.

Roberto (as Sasha)

First question. What is your name?

Hallie (as Maria)

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. My name is Maria Kaina.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Hi, Marsha. Pleasure to meet you. I am Sasha.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Maria)

It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir. Do you believe in prophetic dreams?

Roberto (as Sasha)

No. I am the prophecy.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

She will not accept that answer, I assure you. We will be here forever unless you say yes.

Hallie (as Maria)

Unfortunately, that answer is not satisfactory.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

See? This is what I tell you.

[Dreamlike music begins.]

Hallie (as Maria)

Sometimes dreams can lead you into the state of human existence, and sometimes they don’t mean anything at all. It can be difficult to tell the difference, don’t you think? When I dreamed that one…

Hallie

I assume that you’re still on the ceiling, Gosha.

Brendan

Mm-hmm.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Maria)

When I dreamed that one, the begemot was stabbing him.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, he’s used to that.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Thankfully, I’m a ghost, so…

Roberto (as Sasha)

But I told you, I’m the prophetic dream, so no worries. But, do you know where Caesar is in this floor, Marsha?

Hallie (as Maria)

Caesar? I do know where Caesar is.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Could you lead us to him, please?

Hallie (as Maria)

Could I lead you to him?

Roberto (as Sasha)

May you?

Hallie (as Maria)

You know, asking other people to do your work for you sounds very capitalist of you.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed, my friend, you reek of mammon.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Can you not tell I’m a Cossack? I pillage and raid. I do heavy work on field. I ride horses.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed. You cannot tell me that theft is not an honest profession.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Stammers.] I only wear nice kaftan because I’m at Cossino, otherwise I’m on field. I work on farm.

Hallie (as Maria)

I suppose that does make a difference. It did in my dream.

Hallie

She’ll look away, and then she turns back to Papa Kropotkin one more time.

Hallie (as Maria)

I told you your answer wasn’t satisfactory. If you finish, she’ll be waiting.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

This continues to mean nothing. I wish for you to know this before we leave again.

Hallie

She’s gone. You didn’t see her leave, but she’s gone.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Wait. Where’d she go?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I did not even turn to look away. I’m not even going to question this at this point. The only thing we need to know is that we are probably in danger. So comrades, stick close together.

Roberto

I put my hand on a pistol.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, yes, danger. I think I’m ready. Which one is not the one that shoots a “bang” sign?

[Laughter.]

Hallie

That’s right, because you have the overture one.

Roberto

I have three pistols. I have the flare gun, a regular pistol, and one that shoots out a “bang” sign.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Is the overture pistol labeled 1812?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Sasha, must I remind you that this is a covert operation? We cannot draw too much attention to ourselves, so there better be a {clown honk} silencer for that blunderbuss you have there.

Roberto (as Sasha)

The silencer is body.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well then, at least I know you intend to get close.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Anyways.

Hallie

Alright. She did point in the direction that Julius Caesar was, so you can go in that way.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well, it appears the mysterious young lady is more of a help than she is a hindrance.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

She did give us these costumes as well, so there is that.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh. I didn’t know that. Wow. Mystery solved.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

You did not even know there was a mystery to begin with, and it has already been solved.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, life is full of mysteries. That’s why I hate life. That’s why I became a ghost.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I understand the pain that torments one. It has haunted me through my life as well, and into my death. We cannot easily shed the past.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Bozhe Moy (Oh my god), another poet.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Are we all not poets here in Tsarvia?

Brendan (as Gosha)

No. Poets speak in riddles. I hate that.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I’ll have to keep this in mind for my book; clearer, simpler language. Got it.

Roberto

Sasha just kinda shrugs.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I don’t understand any of this. I write poetry but out of public.

[Laughter.]

[00:45:00]

Hallie

Alright. Gosha, do you remember that Slick you rolled earlier that you got a mixed success on?

Brendan

Yeah.

Hallie

As you’re going down the corridor, a man in a chef’s hat… he clearly works there but has some kind of manager insignia… he comes by.

[Silly music begins.]

Hallie (as manager)

There you are. They said you were taking the elevator. What are you doing? We need people downstairs, stat.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, you do not understand.

[Clears his throat.] The “big man” requires my services. I cannot take away from my duties here.

Hallie (as manager)

The big man? No-no, we need all of you, because you’re all—

Roberto

Not Sasha.

Hallie

That’s right, you’re just in your Cossack uniform.

Roberto

[Amused.] I’m just in my Cossack uniform.

Roberto (as Sasha)

No, they’re escorting me. They’re escorting me to my friend Caesar. I get lost in here.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I’m doing very important business. Can’t talk. Bye-bye.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

The order is vodka. I am sorry, boss, but we were asked specifically.

Hallie (as manager)

Where is the vodka?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

What? It is right here in my hand. Vodka.

Hallie

Do you have vodka in your hand?

Tom

I just assumed I grabbed vodka while I was there.

Hallie

Okay. In that case, he will instead look Sasha directly in the eyes.

Hallie (as manager)

And what business do you got with Julius Caesar?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I’m going to—

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, eh, these orders come straight from the top. Don’t worry about it. Okay, bye-bye.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] Roll me… I think Convince Somebody, it’s gonna be.

Brendan

I would say that’s a Slick, I guess?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

You can actually use any stat for this one depending on what kind of convincing you’re trying to do, but I would say that Slick applies here because you’re trying to lie.

Brendan

Okay, Slick it is.

[Rolls.] Um, that would be a 10.

Hallie

A 10? That is a failure with the Opposite Day.

Tom

Oh dear.

Hallie

This  mysterious chef man will say:

Hallie (as manager)

Julius Caesar doesn’t even drink vodka.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Really? Wow. Then why did he order it? That’s a real mystery. Anyway.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I can’t believe this. You’re telling me he doesn’t want vodka? We got the cup and mug and everything.

Hallie (as manager)

I’m telling you, he doesn’t want vodka.

Roberto (as Sasha)

How do you know? We’re supposed to go up there. He asked for us himself.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

We better all go. We better go ask him ourselves. If we need to get another drink, we got to get this cleared up quickly before something bad happens, but I’m not riding every single 25 floors again if it turns out he does want vodka. So, come on.

Brendan (as Gosha)

You’re still mad about that? Get over it.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Let’s confirm this one way or another. It’s Caesar’s, it’s very easy to ask. We’ll just get down to the room and find out what they’re drinking. … Well, are you coming? Come on.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Indeed. I am simple cat. Meow.

[Laughter.]

Yes, very busy doing cat things. Come, I must lick my own {clown honk}.

Roberto

Bleep, bleep, bleep.

Hallie

He trusts you so little because you failed.

[Hectic Russian music begins.]

He just pulls a gun on you.

Tom

Oh!

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh! Please! I have no family.

Hallie

Alright. We all here at the Cossino have guns.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

You’re right.

Tom

And I pull a gun as well.

Roberto

I immediately swing out my saber to cut his arm off.

Hallie

You are fully allowed to do that. We’re gonna do opposing rolls in this case. I don’t think it’s quite a Confrontation. But, since a lot of things are happening at once and there is kind of a ruckus in the hallway because of this failure, I’m gonna have Papa Kropotkin and Sasha respond at the same time.

Tom

I mean, I won’t shoot until something happens, which means that Sasha is very free to chop this man’s arm off first.

Hallie

Oh, okay. Yeah, go for it. Do you want to dismember this man?

Roberto

I want to dismember this man’s arm.

Brendan

Can I leap onto this guy’s face and scratch his eyes out?

Hallie

Oh, absolutely. I would love for you to do that, actually. That’s gonna be a Take Action for both of you, and that’s gonna be using your Fierce stat.

Brendan (as Gosha)

For the motherland!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Za rodinu! (for the motherland)!

Brendan

[Rolls.] That’s gonna be an 11.

Tom

Oh no!

[Music ends.]

Roberto

That’s a 7?

Tom

Oh no!

Roberto

But, I’m gonna use Do or Do Not and upgrade it to a full success.

Hallie

Oh! Okay.

Tom

Hey.

Roberto

But now Hallie gets a hard move, so…

Hallie

Ha!

Roberto

I can read the description if you want me to.

Hallie

No, I gotcha. I pulled it up.

Tom

Well, we might want to read it for the sake of the viewers as well.

Hallie

Oh. I guess because we are on a podcast, yeah, okay.

[Laughs.] Yeah, so the Do or Do Not move: If you roll a mixed success, you may upgrade it to a full success. However, if you do so, the GM may make a hard move immediately after your full success resolves.

Tom

Oh no.

Hallie

So, because you and Gosha attacked at the same time, one of you swinging the sword up, one of you is falling on top of the person you’re trying to sword…

Tom

Oh no!

Roberto

[Laughs nervously.]

Hallie

It’s not a lethal—It’s not a lethal sword hit.

Tom

Yeah, here’s the thing, here’s the thing. A sword from a living man and a ghost cat. How does that hurt?

Hallie

Um… ghosts aren’t always purely incorporeal in Hereafter.

Tom

No. I’m fine with ghosts being injured by physical weapons. I’m just curious because we have never actually resolved what happens when you try to stab a ghost.

[00:50:00]

Hallie

Well, I’m gonna say it works like if you stabbed a person. But a little bit less, because you know, I’m not gonna actually kill one of you, even though you’re already dead.

Brendan

If I can make a suggestion?

Hallie

Yeah.

Brendan

He cuts off my tail, something funny like that. It’s like the Rule of Cool but for being funny.

Tom

Love it.

Hallie

I am more than happy to have him cut off your tail.

Brendan (as Gosha)

[Angry cat snarling sound.] My god, man. Watch where you are swinging.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Sasha! What have you done to our poor Gosha?

Roberto (as Sasha)

He needed a bit of a trim.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

A bit of a trim? You’ve taken off bone!

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s okay. He’s ghost, like you.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well, lucky for you, we’ve now solved the mystery of what happens when a physical sword meets a ghostly cat. But is it the same for all cats? I know I am a black cat, but what about a tabby cat. Is it the same?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I can’t imagine that would cause a difference between sword hitting ghost cat.

Brendan (as Gosha)

But how can we know if we do not test it?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I’m not attacking more cats.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, you are a scientist, and you are denying—

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I am a geologist. Let’s be very clear about that.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Geologists are men of science.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Well… yes, but not the cutting up animals kind of science. I did not do that in school. I did not dissect any frogs.

Brendan (as Gosha)

What? You never took an elective?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Not that kind of elective!

Roberto

I’m just kind of standing there in awe.

Tom

Also, isn’t a man, like—

Roberto

Yeah, he’s right in front of us!

Tom

Isn’t a man with a stump for an arm on the ground?!

Hallie

Yeah, so… I’m— [Laughs.]

Roberto

Did his arm get cut off, too?

Hallie

No, his arm got cut off. Don’t worry. You did that. So, I’m gonna do a GM Intrusion. This is gonna be on Gosha for thematic purposes. So Gosha, you can take an XP—or, sorry, an AP. That’s what we call them. Adventure Points you can use at any point in the adventure to do a bunch of other things. I have the document somewhere. You also get to give someone an AP.

Brendan

I will give Sasha an AP then.

Hallie

For cutting off your tail. Alright.

Tom

Excellent.

Hallie

So, the hard move at first removes a problem because another dagger comes through the man who was still standing in front of you who just got his arm cut off and is screaming.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well, so much for covert.

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Hallie

The man slumps to the floor revealing Julius Caesar behind him, holding the knife.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Gosha.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Do we know each other?

Hallie (as Caesar)

It’s been so long. You don’t—?

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, this day has been full of mysteries, and you know one thing I hate… it’s mysteries!

Hallie

He’ll put his knife down and casually wipe it on the edge of his toga or whatever.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Ah, you always were like that. You haven’t changed a bit, except for being dead… twice.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Twice? I have  no memory of this.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You never have memory of anything.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Oh man, it is good to see you! Now tell me, are you hear for the cause?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Uh… I am here because I love gambling.

[Laughter.]

Well, I believe you once said the cause is in my will, and it is in my will.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Like, your will to live or like your physical will?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Uh… that’s private.

Roberto

But the question is does he have two wills.

Tom

Two wills or one?

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Caesar)

Your good friend, Julius Caesar? I can’t believe you don’t remember me.

Hallie

He’s slowly advancing on you now with the knife. The vibes are not great.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Mr. Caesar! I hate to interrupt. I apologize for the intrusion, sir, but I must ask you. Are you here in this hallway alone?

Hallie

He turns to look at you.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Not if Gosha’s here to help me like the old days. Remember, Gosha?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, of course.

[Whispering.] Who is this?!

Roberto

I say this very loudly.

[Music ends.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

This is Julius Caesar. How do you not know who this is?

[Laughter.]

Roberto

I have an inability to stay quiet.

Hallie

He goes up to Gosha.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Gosha, please… are you still a Julian or are you Gregorian?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Gregorian? No, no, no. My name is Georgy. You misunderstand.

Hallie (as Caesar)

No, no! No.

Hallie

Then, from around the corner, pops the head of Head Tsar of Tsarvia, Tsar Nicholas II, known colloquially as Nicky 2. He peeks around and goes:

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Mr. Caesar, you were telling me about the benefits of reinstating the Julian calendar instead of the Gregorian calendar in Tsarvia? I’m not inclined to agree, but you are also the only person who has spoken to me today, so it looks like it’s gonna go your way.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Gasps.] It’s the tsar of Tsarvia! My fearless leader! It’s a pleasure to see you today!

Brendan (as Gosha)

What?!

Hallie

He salutes you.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Sasha, you are a monarchist?!

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I work—I’m a Cossack! I work for imperial army.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I thought that just meant you like to gamble!

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Don’t worry, I’ve approved communism. I made the Duma, they’re basically the same thing.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, okay. Thank god.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh Nicky, pleasure to see you again. You said something about instating Julian calendar. I think great idea.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

God {clown honk}, Sasha.

[00:55:00]

Tom

Anyway. Caesar is still advancing menacingly towards Gosha, right?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

He has stopped for now because Nicky 2 has appeared, so he turns around.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Nicky 2! Yes, I was just about to tell you about why it would be good to not be on the same calendar as the rest of the world again and to instead go back to Julian calendar, the way that we were in the old days. You know, the good old days? No one uses the Julian calendar anymore, and you were the last ones to do so. It took you so long to change. Why?! Why did you change after such a long time?

Hallie (as Nicholas)

I told you, it was the world order. It was recommended to me by the last person who spoke to me. That is why we are now on the Gregorian calendar. But, I’m willing to reconsider.

Hallie

Then, Julius Caesar turns back to Gosha.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Gosha, don’t tell me you’ve given up on the cause.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Listen, my friend, there’s something you should know. I have no memory of you. I have no memory of the cause.

Hallie (as Caesar)

You have no memory of the cause?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Caesar, you know what might help our friend Gosha here? If you lent him your black book. He might use those notes to remember things.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, yes, the black book. It feels familiar.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s a very famous black book.

Hallie (as Caesar)

My famous black book? My famous black book… You mean where I keep all my debts?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I’m sure Gosha with his financial problems had debt to you at some point, so seeing the notes might help him trigger some memories.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Did you owe me money?!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Me?! Never. I owe nobody money.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Do any of you owe me money?

Hallie

He’ll actually get out his little book to look through it. But, in the meantime, I would like you to roll Convince Somebody.

Roberto

[Rolls.] That is a 7.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] Mixed success. Alright. So, he’s like…

Hallie (as Caesar)

I cannot give you my black book, but I will let you look at it.

Hallie

He turns it a little bit so that you can see it.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Gosha’s name is not in this book. Gosha, I can’t believe you don’t remember me.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Ah, yes… debts. Debts tell many things about the nation. For example, I am looking for the debts…

Brendan

I just put on my magnifying glass and I’m zooming in even though it’s perfectly legible.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I heard there was once a man named Felix Yusupov. He owed you a great many debts.

Hallie (as Caesar)

Ugh!

Brendan (as Gosha)

And yet, a great mystery surrounds this. They say he goes and makes many debts, but for what? I must get to the bottom of this mystery, you understand. The thing about cats and curiosity and all that.

Hallie

[Laughs.] He’ll nod.

[Sinister, monstrous ambient music begins.]

Hallie (as Caesar)

Some things about the begemot never change.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Begemot? Again. People keep saying that name. Begemot. What does it mean?

Hallie (as Caesar)

Begemot? It means behemoth. That’s you.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Behemoth?

Hallie (as Caesar)

You did so many crimes for me back in the day.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Behemoth…

Hallie (as Caesar)

And now here you are, Felix Yusupov’s errand boy.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Errand boy?

Roberto (as Sasha)

No, no, no, he’s my errand boy.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I am no man’s errand boy.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

You’re my detective.

Brendan (as Gosha)

The only errand boy I am for is Mrs. Georgy Nestorovich Bulgakov.

[Music ends.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

You’re married?!

Brendan (as Gosha)

No, but if I was, I would be her errand boy.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

A fellow wife-man. I approve of it.

[Emotional.] My dear Sofie…!

[Music returns.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

So I suppose you’re suggesting my life as your errand boy was better.

Hallie (as Caesar)

I am suggesting that. You should come back to me, Gosha. Come be my begemot again. Come reinstate the Julian calendar all throughout the world, but Tsarvia first, because Tsarvia had it for the longest time.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend…

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

[Hushed.] Sasha. Sasha!

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Hushed.] yes? Yes? Yes?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I think we should distract Tsar Nicholas and get him away from the scene. This is probably going to get very messy in a few seconds.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Smiling.] I can do that.

You stay here with Gosha.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I’ll keep eye on Gosha.

[Music ends.]

Roberto

Then, I will go up to Tsar Nicky, Nicky 2.

Hallie

Nicky 2, yeah.

[Silly music begins.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Tsar! Tsar, my Grand Tsar. We need to talk about the state of the Cossack army you have.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

The state of the Cossack army? What’s wrong with the Cossack army?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Our horses are malnourished. You haven’t sent enough grain to them.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

I thought they had plenty of grain. I love horses, and the army.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, you need to send more things to us.

Roberto

I’ll put my arm around Nicky 2.

Hallie

Just guide him?

Roberto

And just guide him around the corner while I’m talking about how the Cossacks need to get more funding and how we need to get bigger paychecks.

Hallie

Oh yeah, he’ll listen. The man loves the military. He loves people giving him advice and telling him what to do.

Roberto (as Sasha)

We should also have funding for those who are poets and Cossacks…

Hallie

[Laughs.] Specifically.

Roberto (as Sasha)

…and pay off their debts no matter what.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

I have never heard of a poet Cossack.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, that is me!

Hallie (as Nicholas)

That is you?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes. You know what the nice thing is about the poet Cossack? We make your literature.

[01:00:00]

Every fight of your battles in the army. We get that nice military propaganda that you so love.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Nicholas)

[Gasps.] I do love propaganda. Sounds like a wonderful plan.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I think so too!

Hallie

You can keep, like… I assume it just goes on like this where Nicholas is like, yeah… yeah.

Roberto

It goes on like this for quite a bit, yeah.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Yeah! Poet Cossacks, yeah!

Hallie

You successfully guide him around the corner leaving Gosha and Papa Kropotkin alone with Julius Caesar who is still holding his little black book of debts.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. Well, Julius, a wise man once said…

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Humanity is born free, but is everywhere in chains… and I see a book of chains in front of me right now.

Hallie (as Caesar)

I thought your friend was the poet.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I am no poet. I am simple detective cat.

[Laughter.]

No. Sorry. I am simple paranormal private eye.

Hallie (as Caesar)

You could be more than that. Join me again, Gosha. This world, it’s not for you. The ghost world, the Hereafter, is the world for you.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hereafter… I have been all over the planes of this world and yet always there is mystery. I hate mysteries.

Hallie (as Caesar)

If you’re not going to join me, then why are you here?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Uh… that’s confidential client information.

Hallie (as Caesar)

I should be the confidential client.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Sorry. Privileged information. It’s protected by paranormal private eye client privilege. Sorry.

Hallie (as Caesar)

[Exhales.] If you won’t tell me, I will simply have to end you… again.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I do not think we will be doing that, Mr. Julius Caesar.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Hallie (as Caesar)

Oh my god! I forgot you were here.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Most people do. Das vedanya. (Goodbye)

Tom

And I’ll shoot with my ghost gun.

Hallie

[Laughs.] You’re just gonna shoot him?! You know what? Yeah. Give me—

Tom

I never put it away, so…

Hallie

You never did put it away. What a poetic ending that would be if, instead of combat, you just shot him in the back because…

Tom

It’s a ghost gun!

Hallie

It’s a ghost gun!

Tom

It’s a ghost gun I got in Switzerland.

Hallie

Okay. You know what?

[laughs.] You shoot Julius Caesar with your Swiss ghost gun. He turns around and looks at you mournfully.

Roberto

“Et tu, Papa?”

Hallie

[Laughs.] Et tu, Papa?

Tom

[Smiling.] Et tu, Papa?

Hallie (as Caesar)

Et tu, Papa? This is the first time I’ve been SHOT in the back.

Hallie

And then he collapses. You killed Julius Caesar.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

It was an unlucky time. It’s March 15. If only you had your own calendar here, maybe you would have been luckier, but them’s the breaks.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Julius Caesar is dead. You killed him again. You shot him in the back. At the sound of the bullet—

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh my god. This has to be like the first time this has happened.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

At the sound of the Swiss gun going off around the corner, Nicky 2 is like:

Hallie (as Nicholas)

I say, what was that?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Uh… nothing. I was playing with string.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Probably just some anarchists around here. Who can say?

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Anarchists? We can’t have that.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Who can say? Yeah, no, it was a bomb that went off in the distance.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Probably some Chemistry students got together and tried to make a makeshift bomb, you know, as they do.

Roberto (as Sasha)

But the Cossacks will keep you safe.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Yes-yes, the Cossacks.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh my god. They told me everyone is a tsar, but it appears some are more tsar than others.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

That’s me, the Head Tsar. I was given that role due to my birth.

Brendan (as Gosha)

If there’s one thing I hate more than mysteries it’s redundancy.

Hallie

[Laughs.] So, Nicky 2 has been kinda making his way back towards the hallway where there are two bodies on the floor now, actually, because Julius Caesar killed the random guy who wanted you to go work…

Brendan

Oh yeah.

Tom

Oh, right!

Hallie

…and then Julius Caesar has been shot in the back. So, they’re in a pile on the floor. Nicky 2 walks over and sees these two dead bodies.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I can explain. I feared for my life.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

This looks like a murder!

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

They’re probably just sleeping.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Oh…

Brendan (as Gosha)

They had some strong catnip.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Anyway. You should take the book here.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

This is most egregious. I must go find someone to take care of this. Would the Cossacks like to have a detective division? You can have poet detective Cossacks. You were just telling me how they needed more funding and more equipment. Perhaps this could be the first case of the Cossack detectives.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, of course! Of course. I’m right on the case.

Hallie (as Nicholas)

Perfect, then I leave you to solve this, Cossack detectives.

Hallie

Then Nicky 2 will leave. He’s got his people on it to solve the murder. Who did this?

Roberto

[Laughs.]

Tom

We’re all trying to find the guy who did this.

Roberto

Is Nicky 2 gone from around the corner?

Hallie

Nicky 2 is on his way out, but you can stop him if you want.

Roberto

No, no, no. I want him to be out of earshot.

Hallie

Oh, okay. Yeah, he’s out of earshot.

Roberto

I just look at them.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I’ll write the report. I’ll say it was Pushkin.

[laughter.]

Brendan

Gosha is giving him a wink and an “OK” sign.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes! Then I will be the best poet in Tsarvia.

Hallie

Perfect.

[1812 Overture begins.]

[01:05:00]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I am happy for you, my friend, but I think this might be where we part ways for now. My business at the Cossino is concluded, and I must be on my way once more.

Roberto (as Sasha)

But, Papa Kropotkin, you forget about the one thing we still need to do together.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Eh?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I promised you a rager at Felix Yusupov’s home after this.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Ah! You’ve got me there.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Perfect! Perfect.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

One rager.

Roberto (as Sasha)

One rager. It will last a week.

Hallie

Then you’re gonna have a rager at Felix Yusupov’s.

Roberto

At the end of the rager, I want to shoot out my flare gun and play the 1812 cannon fire.

Hallie

Ha!

Roberto

As like the ending clip. [Makes explosion sounds.]

Brendan

Gosha runs by with his tail on fire. What’s left of it. He stapled it back on.

Brendan (as Gosha)

[Shrieking cat sound.]

Hallie

For your part, Papa Kropotkin, at the party, for a brief second you see Maria Kaina staring at you from across the way, but when you look back she isn’t there anymore.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

God {clown honk}.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I have not even been to the Steppe in years.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Wow, it’s a real mystery, but for once I do not mind.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Drink, drink, drink!

[Music swells and carries out.]

Roberto

Alrighty. That was our game with Quest Friends. Thank you guys so much for joining us. Hallie, if the people want to find you, where can they go?

Hallie

Yeah. You can find me on the Quest Friends! Roleplaying podcast, that is Quest Friends with an exclamation point. We just started Season 2 which is, uh, ghosts… and Pokémon, except we call them Necromon. And Yu-Gi-Oh!, kind of? It’s a lot of things. Essentially we have our own system called Under the Neighborhood where we try to emulate Saturday morning cartoons. It’s really fun. Humor in the vein of what you have seen in this adventure. Kind of off-the-wall, doesn’t make a lot of sense sometimes.

The main series does include Tsarvia, the setting of this adventure today, where everyone’s a tsar except for Rasputin. This is because I like Russia, and the Romanovs, and so I was so happy to guest GM this adventure for you guys.

Anyway, you can check out Quest Friends! At QuestFriendsPodcast.com/TsarPower, spelled the way that your fine podcast is spelled.

Roberto

To get more direct contact with us, feel free to access our website at TsarPowerPod.weebly.com. There you can find the show notes, pictures, bibliography, and vote on whether you think Sasha and Gosha deserve the Kremlin or the gulag. It also has links to our social media which is just @TsarPowerPod, tsar spelled T-S-A-R. It will also include links to Quest Friends! And to Mandy Robertson who did the artwork for our episode today. She’s amazing, check her stuff out, and get commissions from her.

If you would like to support the show to help us expand and grow, feel free to subscribe to our Patreon to get access to bonus episodes for both Tsar Power and The History of Saqartvelo Georgia. This month we will have a bonus episode on Baba Yaga for Tsar Power and a review of the Soviet Georgian film ‘Salt for Svanetia’ for The History of Saqartvelo Georgia.

If you’d like to do something that’s free, leave a review on your favorite podcast host, be that Apple or on Spotify, and that’s a do sviadniya tovarishi (Goodbye comrades) from me.

Brendan

And that’s a vlast' porozhdayet parazitov (power breeds parasites) from me.

[Tsar Power outro music carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)

[A bell rings.] Uh, hello? It is Raspy here for Povi’s party… at the Cossino? It was at the Cossino, right? Not at Povi’s house? No-no, definitely Cossino, on 25th—That is two bodies. … That is two bodies.

Well, if they are just lying there, then I suppose they have no need for uniform gun, or uniform, or dagger, or calendar, or… You know, Povi’s ragers last all week. Rasputin can take a few moments plundering for souvenirs for Boidelrat.

Brendan

Wow, Gosha got over his fear of mysteries.

Tom

Character growth!

Roberto

Character growth.

Tom

You turned your back on your dark past.

[01:10:00]

Hallie

You did!

Tom

You got over your fear of mysteries.

Roberto

You got your share of mysteries, figured out your past. I got a raise and promotion. I got to cut someone’s arm off as a Cossack. It’s a great day.

Tom

[Emotional.] We killed some random guy who worked in the kitchens!

Hallie

You did, and then I just… yeah. I probably didn’t have to throw him in there, but I was like, oh, that’s right, you got outfits. I should have you have to use those at some point to try to prove.

Tom

I think it’s very funny that I got through this entire session without making a singular roll.

Hallie

Oh my god! I didn’t have you roll anything. I’m so sorry, Tom!

Brendan

Oh yeah.

Tom

No! It’s fine. I just think that’s incredibly funny.

Hallie

I try really hard as a GM to make sure people roll and do things, but I also forget and just let things happen, so my B. My B, friends.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Luckily, my comrades, I am… It is quite impossible for me to take up attention, so I do not think I can jeopardize our cause here. I was once arrested, got out of jail, went to the biggest restaurant in town… no one found me there. Nobody thought to look.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Okay, but that is incompetence on part of the checker, or what?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Eh, six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. It’s a real mystery. I hate mysteries.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

I’m sorry to have brought this mystery to your attention.

Tom

“Tom, be sure not to swear this session.” Meanwhile, the Tsar Power guys…

[Laughter.]

Roberto

No, Brendan!

Tom

Yes, Brendan specifically.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Technically, I am in character, so it’s  not my fault.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Roberto

I push the button for the ‘down’ on the elevator.

Hallie

You’re all going back down?

Roberto

Yep. I’ll ensure Gosha doesn’t touch any of the buttons.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm… emergency stop. What is the meaning of this?

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha! No! It’s in the title!

Brendan (as Gosha)

What is this… self-destruct button?

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

Why does it even have a button like that?! Why would they put that in the elevator?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. It’s a real mystery.

Tom (as Papa Kropotkin)

This isn’t even land of the dead.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It was probably Raspy.

Brendan (as Gosha)

This requires investigation.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Do not touch that button, Gosha! Zapresheno! Forbidden.

Tom

I cannot believe you Pathologic referenced at me, of all people.

Roberto

I don’t get this reference, but it’s great.

Hallie

No. There’s a character I hate in Pathologic who doesn’t shut up about dreams, and if you try to ask her anything she just talks about philosophy. Like, every single Russian character in Pathologic. It kills me.

Tom

It is a very good but very strange Russian game.

Roberto

I’m looking it up right now.

Hallie

Do it.

Roberto

Oh, I own Pathologic 2.

Tom

Good! It is the better version of that game.

Hallie

It is.

Roberto

I didn’t even know I owned it.

Brendan

Oh yeah. Isn’t it the exact same? It’s just an updated version of the same story?

Tom

More or less. There’s some differences in the story, and right now you can only play as one character, whereas in the first one there were three options, but it’s basically a remake of the first game.

Roberto

Downloading~

Tom

Excellent.

Hallie

Sick! I have done a good thing today.

Tom

Always happy to convert more people.

Hallie

I’ve only played an hour of it because I got really mad at it.

Tom

The town can also be a little bit difficult to navigate at times because the map won’t always tell you whether or not there is an impassible fence in the way.

Hallie

Um, I died because of fences. Fences killed me. Because I couldn’t get past fences, and then I couldn’t get the resource that I needed in time, so my character just folded over on the street and died.

Brendan

That’ stop-tier game design, in my opinion.

Hallie

Yup.

Roberto

If you guys want a Russian game, or like an Eastern European game, called ATOM RPG Trudograd, let me know. I have a Steam code for that.

Hallie

Oh, I would love that.

Tom

Ooh!

Roberto

Alright. I have one Steam code for it.

Tom

Clearly we need to roll each other for it, Hallie.

Hallie

Don’t make me roll! But I’ll do it.

[Laughter.]

Tom

I mean, you rolled a 10 a moment ago. Roll as an NPC. Roll as someone who isn’t you.

Hallie

I know. Okay. This is Pushkin again.

[Rolls.] A 9!

Tom

[Rolls.] I got a 4, so… congrats.

Hallie

Ha! I get it. Okay, now we can go back to the game. I’m so sorry for that derailment.

Roberto

Oh, no, it’s fine. It’s roleplaying games.